Healing

As you can see, the largest of my "stab wounds" is healing nicely. However, here is a photo of the same site in which I'm not pulling the skin up to expose the scar:

The skin fold you see is the result of the sub-cutaneous stitching that is holding my abdominal muscles together. I tore some of this stitching on Friday, so the swelling is making it slightly worse than it was last week, but the fact remains that even though I VEHEMENTLY stressed the importance of not messing with my body art during this surgery, these guys managed to still fuck it up, even if they didn't disturb the ink.

Not to mention that I REALLY liked my belly, and now I have this goofy skin fold. And if it grosses you out in this direct view, then I will save you the trauma of the horrific side view.

I am grateful for my ability to eat without feeling sick, for the disappearance of the night sweats I've been plagued with for years, and for the quick response to my distress. I am. The other side of the coin is that my belly was one of the very few parts of my body that I really thought was attractive, and now it's NOT. MSU says that it might be okay once the stitching is fully absorbed... in a YEAR... but dammit! I asked for ONE THING!!! Just ONE!!!

Okay, pity party's over. But I'm still pissed. And sad. And feeling rather like a hag, if the truth must be known.

Gained and Lost

Here's what I gained today: a "Meez."

And what I lost? So difficult to explain in a way that's going to make sense to anyone but me. I'm not even sure I'm making sense to myself, now that I think about it. Either way, I'm fairly sure that I'm overreacting, but I just can't seem to help myself.

I don't want to revisit the history behind all of this, because it really is too painful for me, even now. My current frustration is that MSU's ex-wife just plain refuses to stay in the little, safe box that my brain has her interred in. This defiance of my "safety zone" only serves to bring stuff from the past flooding back, whether I want it to or not. And the common denominator of EVERY event that's occurred with MSU and his ex-wife since he and I have been married (almost 19 years) is DECEIT. By them. MSU in particular. Because he doesn't always make smart choices and he usually isn't proud of it. This, in his mind, gives him carte blanche to lie.

When MSU decided to return from Hawaii and our little "separation," he vowed that he was a "new man." He swore up and down that lying, deceit, and misinformation of any kind was a thing of the past. I praised him for this. I believed him. I was so proud of him, because an honest path is a very difficult one. I was impressed, because this was the thing that kept tearing us apart and it seemed that he had finally seen it, known it, and decided to change it.

Enter the ex-wife, again. Evidently she is in the process of trying to obtain a Top Secret clearance as a requirement of her current job. She sent MSU an email yesterday, advising him to expect a phone call and/or interview regarding her TS application, and asking him to call her. She wants him to call her because "the investigator is really only focusing on the last seven years, but I want to tell you what I told him."

There's only one reason that she would want to talk in person to MSU about this. Just one.

So I asked him flat out if he was going to lie for her. He said, "I don't know. It depends on what they ask me."

And I lost my mind and spent the next 20 minutes locked in the bathroom sobbing.

When I came out, MSU said, "This doesn't have anything to do with you, so I don't know what you're so upset about."

I said, "I'm upset because you just told me that you don't know if you're going to lie to a Federal Investigator to protect your ex-wife. I'm upset because you're telling me that the truth and your relation of it depends on what the question is. I'm upset because I want to trust you and if you get to decide what is and isn't okay to lie about, then trust isn't a word I can keep in my vocabulary. I'm upset because you KNOW full well that I'm opposed to lying of any kind. I'm upset because YOU DON'T OWE HER DIDDLYSQUAT and I can't understand why you would compromise OUR relationship - AGAIN!!!! - for her, just so she can keep a job she lied to get in the first place."

He said, "It really isn't any of your business."

True dat, y'all. None at all. Apparently the only thing that's my business is that I can trust NO ONE. MSU's got his ex-wife's back. Who's got my back? Hell if I fucking know.

The Fourth Day

I am Jack's utter boredom.

Funny thing about being conspicuously absent from places I've been conspicuously present. It's only my 4th day away from work and today I haven't received a single email in my work inbox. My suspicions are confirmed: it doesn't take seven years to be declared dead, just four days.

There is a lot of freedom in being dead. I can skulk anonymously about the Internet without worrying if anyone thinks I'm just wasting precious time. In reality, I am. I can only nap so often.

If I could lift anything heavier than my own underwear, I'd try to do some laundry. If it would stop raining, I'd try to take the bike out for a little spin. If someone would have helped me out by doing the grocery shopping during my incapacitation (see point number one in this paragraph), I'd cook an elaborate meal. As it stands, I think I'll go take a nap. After all, I have protoplasm to knit!!

I did get a transfer, by the way. It means that I have to work Saturdays. It also means that I won't be doing casework anymore, as it is an administrative position. I'm very grateful to be leaving my current Purgatory, but am wondering just how much I'll like my job if I'm not out in the field, supervising kids. This "admin" thing is supposed to be good for my professional resume... I hope it's worth it. Either way, I won't have to work in The Building of Bad Karma any more and I'll be out from under the constant PA paging, not to mention the steady stream of questions, distractions, and issues. I'm pretty sure I'm really going to miss casework, though.

Rookie quit. No two weeks notice, no warning (other than her simple refusal to try on a daily basis). She left a stack of unfinished reports on the Duty Officer's desk with a note stating that she "resigned." Apparently she then just walked out. Good riddance, I say. I just wish she hadn't been so selfish about it. My staff had already sucked up enough of her work - now I'm not there to carry my part of HER load and I'll be leaving for good about two weeks after I return. Part of me blames the consistent mismangement of my Supervisor, but in reality, Rookie is just a selfish, crazy bitch.

Looks like it's naptime. I have to rest up for the 20 minute drive to get my taxes done tomorrow. Ha!

More to be Grateful For

Today I am grateful for:

** The fact that if I had to go to work today, I could. The marvels of modern medicine continue to amaze me, despite my fundamental suspicion of the medical field as a whole. Of course, I'd have to be very creative with my wardrobe choices if I did have to return today (talk about interesting swelling!!), but I could definitely handle a day in the office if it were necessary.

** A solid constitution that allowed me to flush the Vicodin on Saturday (why on Earth did they give me so much? I had enough for two weeks of daily dosing!!) and ditch the ibuprofen today. Just having the Vicodin in the house gave me the willies, given the suicide attempt of my foster daughter's boyfriend (who started trying to overdose on Vicodin, but vomited. That's when he moved on to Plan B). The pain and inflammation at the surgical site is nothing compared to the pain I've been living with for the past several months, and I'm so happy and grateful that I don't need to take any meds.

** Being able to eat. Really eat. Hot and Sour soup Friday night when we got home from the hospital (heaven!), pizza on Saturday (nirvana!!), breakfast, lunch, and dinner yesterday. Food, one of the great loves of my life, is back in the picture and if I could do a little jig, I would.

** Poop. Just another one of those things I took for granted!! And I'm grateful that the return of muscle control and bowel health was not nearly as traumatic as I feared. Hooray, poop!

** Good protoplasm. My body's ability to heal itself is a wonder.

** A possible transfer. Some folks from work have emailed me, asking where I'm going because they heard that someone got promoted to take my current spot. Of course, I haven't heard a thing about it, but it does appear that I'm being transferred somwhere. I guess that means no promotion for me this year, but I am grateful that there's a good chance that I'm going to be escaping my current Purgatory soon. I hope it's a good move!!

** Two weeks to myself. Once the kids go back to school on Wednesday, I'm on my own. Of course, I have things to do... catch up on laundry, catch up on the bills, get my taxes done, get my car serviced, etc., etc. But I'm grateful for the time to do those things, grateful that I'll be able to do them in relative solitude, and grateful that I can do them at my own pace. I have a new front tire on my bike, and I'm going to fit some riding time in there as well. Maybe I'll take a road trip and try to catch up with some folks I haven't seen in a while! Maybe I won't! It's up to me!!!!!

** My dogs. They always do a lot for me, despite the fact that they are vastly underappreciated by other members of the household. During the past three days, they have curled up next to me wherever I've landed, and have guarded me like the incredible sentinels they were bred to be. If I've been on the couch, they were with me, growling and baring their teeth at anyone who tried to invade my space (much to MSU's chagrin). If I've been in bed, they've been curled up at the door, preventing anyone from disturbing me. When I'm moving around, I'm flanked by the two of them, their heads and bodies within easy reach to steady me should I stumble or falter. Again I marvel at their intuition, their compassion, and their loyalty.

I am truly blessed!

Home Again

I'm home again, missing another piece of my anatomy. This time, I'm sure I won't miss it!

What I am missing, however, is the previously taken-for-granted strength of my abdominal wall! I was aware, in an academic way, that our core musculature is the "core" for a reason... so much of our flexibility and capability of movement comes from the beautifully designed and amazingly strong muscles of our abdomen and back. From the outside, it appears that the impact on my midsection is minimal: one incision near my navel and two smaller punctures near my ribcage. The incisions themselves don't bother me at all. It's the sudden inefficacy of my abdominal wall that's troubling... little things that used to be so easy - sitting, laying down, getting up, walking, peeing - are now huge efforts. And though I realize that this is probably more information than anyone wants to know, I have to relate that I am terrified of the inevitable moment that I will have to poop. I sincerely hope that doesn't happen until tomorrow (when I plan to be feeling so much better!!)

Anyway, I am grateful today to be reminded of the strength of my body and what it (normally) does for me!! And I am grateful to have had the prayers and blessings of so many with me - as MSU had to just drop me off and go to work, it was nice to know that I wasn't really alone. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Giving Up

Giving up seems to be the topic of the week. Between the ongoing issues with the rookie in my Unit, losing one of our local biker community to what appears to be a wholly unnecessary fatal crash, and my foster daughter's boyfriend's erstwhile suicide attempt, I am beside myself with grief, frustration, and confusion. And though I don't really give a rat's ass about "celebrity gossip," let's just throw Heath Ledger and Britney Spears into the mix, because my angst on this topic appears to be boundless and extends to both known persons and practically fictional persons alike.

I'm not one to invalidate anyone's pain. If your brand of despair just happens to appear rather yawn-worthy to me, it doesn't mean that your despair isn't real, true, or as hopeless as it feels. The worst pain you've ever felt is the worst pain you've ever felt - the concept seems like it should be invite comparison, but it doesn't. It can't. Pain and despair are like any other human perception: wholly subjective.

Regardless of any comparative qualities, I don't believe that pain, or despair, or helplessness, or hopelessness gives any of us an excuse to give up. Sure, I've been overcome with the desire to just give up, to just let a situation go so I don't have to worry - cope - handle - fight - push - argue - about it any more, but when it's come down to the part where I actually throw my hands in the air and say "I quit," my entire being rebels against it. In the deepest terror, the darkest despair, the most horrific guilt, the abyss of hopelessness, the unrelenting grip of pain and injury, I still find myself wanting to see what happens next. I still find myself challenged by the yet-unrecognized solution. And in the not-so-very-few times I've fucked something up seemingly beyond repair, I've still found myself motivated to find a way to fix it. Maybe I can say this because I've never "hit bottom," but I'm pretty sure I have and each time I thought, "Well, this has to be the worst it'll ever get" only to be proved wrong down the line somewhere. The bottom, it seems, is a variable just like everything else in human existence. The bottom can, and does, get deeper.

The events and people around me this week reek of complacency, of cursed laziness and failure to be grateful for what is. My heart mourns for - while my mind concurrently rails against! - the wife, mother, and community figure that forgot her responsibility to her family and friends - not to mention her responsibility to the biker community - by staying out a little too late, drinking a little too much, and getting on her bike anyway. This is complacency at its worst, the little rationalizations we make to behave irresponsibly, unsafely, illogically, and in this case lethally. She gave up because she forgot that she was blessed. She gave up because she quit caring about herself and about the people around her. She's (oh sorry, she was) a quitter.

My blood boils everytime I think about my foster daughter's boyfriend: 19 years old, going to college (rather lackadaisically), working a part-time retail job, driving a car his parents pay for, and enjoying all the benefits of youth, seemingly in no real hurry to grow up. Instead of reveling in gratitude for the ease of his life, for the blessings of his upbringing, for the time to make life choices at his leisure, he cut his throat, his wrists, his femoral artery, and then stabbed himself in the abdomen. Not only did he give up on his life - because it's not "exciting enough" in his own words - he gave up on his suicide when he realized he wasn't dying. When he didn't bleed out fast enough to suit himself, he just went home and allowed his mother to save his life. A couple of days later, when I asked him what was so insurmountable that he felt he had to carve himself like a jack-o-lantern, he said, "I want to move out and I can't afford to." Hey, here's a tip, numbnuts: all you have to do to change your life is change your life. I'm pretty sure that bleeding out in your bought-and-paid-for-Jetta doesn't fit most people's definition of "exciting," or at least not for very long. The fact is, he gave up. And in my opinion (which I know doesn't really count because I wouldn't want to invalidate anyone's pain), he gave up before he even tried. In my opinion, he gave a chickenshit answer to a poorly phrased question. In my opinion, he's a dirty, rotten, stinking quitter.

In a less morbid but equally infuriating way, Ye Olde Rookie is giving up without even trying and it chaps my ass to no end. I can't even look at her any more without wanting to slap her so hard her kids will be dizzy and shouting "Snap out of it!!" Today I found out (and this is remains unconfirmed) that my Department is going to allow her to do something unheard of: "demote" to a position she didn't "promote" from. Instead of taking her resignation, calling her a lazy, delusions-of-entitlement, whiny little pussy and letting the door knock her sorry little ass to the ground on her way out, they are going to let her demote to Corrections (where she wasn't hired from and has no freaking clue about). Instead of recognizing her for the low-life, slur-slinging, self-serving, ass-dragging, I-don't-know-how-to-do-that-and-if-I-keep-saying-it-long-enough-you'll-eventually-have-to-do-it-for-me quitter she is, they're going to allow her to move to Corrections - possibly incurring serious liability for the Department and/or injury to a child along the way - so we can waste a bunch more time and money on her before she reveals her true colors AGAIN and quits. And though the majority of the clamoring voices in my head selfishly agree that anywhere she goes is good riddance for me, the frustration of watching a retired Naval Officer quit an entry-level job after only a few weeks of sucking up multi-thousands of dollars of training and everyone else's precious time puts me into a Neitzsche-an rage that cannot be described without shrieking aloud.

What happened to "failure is not an option?" What happened to "quitters never win and winners never quit?" What happened to "pain is fear leaving your body?" What happened to the effort being its own reward?

Humanity, *I* will not give up on you.

TP for Warriors

I passed this in the paper goods aisle at the grocery store, and laughed until tears streamed down my face. Ultra-strong toilet paper? What is the marketing gimmick for THIS going to be, pray tell?

"Manhandle your anus with Charmin Ultra-Strong!"

or perhaps

"More effective than a phaser on kill for your toughest Klingons: Charmin Ultra-Strong!"

Maybe

"Wet shit won't soak through this and get on your fingers: Charmin Ultra-Strong!"

Anyway, curiosity got the best of me and I bought some.

And I have to say: It's the shiz!

I don't generally skimp on TP, because the cheap stuff ends up becoming more expensive because everybody uses more of it. I don't really like the super-soft stuff, but the rest of the family agrees that softer is better, so that's what I buy. This ends up being more expensive, too, because the soft stuff "pills" and falls apart quickly, so what should have been a two-square job turns into a ten-square job. Or more.

Okay, TMI. The point is this: Charmin Ultra-Strong is da bomb. It's not only strong, it's THICK. For the most common bathroom application, one square of this stuff is more than enough! For the second most common application, two or three squares will SERIOUSLY be all that's needed. For nose-blowing, three squares folded double is more than enough with no leakage.

At first, it seems like it's not very soft, but really it's just the alien thickness tricking you into thinking it's not soft.

Sure, it was a little embarrassing buying "Ultra-Strong" toilet paper (someone who would need such an item must TRULY have issues!!), but I'm a convert!!!

Memory

MSU and I were discussing some of the more difficult times in our marriage (see the post from September of 2007: The Inertia of Hopelessness and the Emotional Supernova). I've thought about it before - I even wrote a short poem about the phenomena once - but it struck me again how completely subjective nad piecemeal memories are.



Memories can only present themselves to our consciousness from our own point of view. I can remember my interpretation of how a person reacted, but that memory is dependent on my perceptions alone - which were quite possibly skewed by poor communication, wrongful assumptions, and the emotional climate of the day. Today's conversation with MSU was frought with statements like, "I don't remember that," and "Didn't it happen this way?"



My own memories are generally emotions-based: I don't remember the day or the events that lead up to the situation, but I'll generally remember how I felt and/or how I reacted. Sometimes this makes conversations about days past frustrating for those around me, as I often can't say how a thing came to pass, only how I felt when it did. If the day/situation/event in question didn't have some kind of emotional attachment factor, I won't remember it.



In essence, I remember the when without the why. Arguably, this forces my learning curve into a rather flat shape, as it could be theorized that I might often make the same life mistakes because my memory is "flawed" and I might be duplicating actions/events/choices because only the outcome of a previous and similar choice - not the "lead in" - presents itself to my consciouness, and then only if the outcome had an extreme emotional impact.



Take childbirth, for example. I often feel rather left out of conversations with other mothers, because so many of them can remember the exact time their babies were born, their exact weight and length, the names of the medical personnel attending, the course of the events from first contraction to taking the baby home. Other mothers have looked at me askance when I've confided that I don't remember these things, as if I'm somehow less than what a good mother should be because these details do not present themselves to my consciosness years later. With my firstborn, I remember my water breaking: I was very confused (because I thought I had wet the bed). I remember calling the squadron, becuase MSU was flying that day, to have them call his bird back: I was so excited. I remember being so tired (36 hour labor) and actually falling asleep between contractions. I remember being allowed to push: I felt so triumphant to be in action after so long in a passive state. I remember her becoming "stuck:" I was terrified. I remember her crowning: the pain was unlike any I'd ever felt before and I was shocked and surprised. I remember the bony strangeness of her shoulders coming out, and then the wholly disconcerting feeling of the rest of her body sliding out of me: I felt suddenly and totally alone and empty. And I remember her warm little body on my chest and stomach: I felt Love, True Love, for the first time in my life, a feeling that eradicated any notions I had previously had of Love and that surged through me with a ferocity that both warmed me and frightened me. I remember nursing her for the first time: my body wracked with sobs because she and I didn't take to the process easily and I was sure that I was a horrible mother because I couldn't feed my child properly.



I have no idea how much she weighed, what her Apgar score was, what time she was born, or loading her into the car to take her home. I don't remember these things because they were emotionally unimportant.

To me, memory is like a poorly shingled roof. There is no rhyme nor reason to what is peeled away by time and what remains. I have no explanation for remembering events differently than others who were there except for the fact that my memories are mine and theirs belong to them. Anything remembered must also necessarily be remembered from the singular standpoint of one person; anything remembered must necessarily be edited by time and increased emotional distance. I have no doubt that my mind edits some memories to make them less painful, less traumatic, less personal; some have accused me of denial in this sense, sometimes even outright deceit. But I do not believe that any of us has control over the mind's ongoing editing process, nor would I accuse someone of being deceptive just because they don't remember something the way I remember it. I do believe that memory - at least mine - is fundamentally flawed because emotions, too, wane over time.

I'm a Raging Bitch...

...this is no secret to ANYONE who knows me. I have high expectations, especially at work. I am of the opinion that if I have agreed to do a job , I'm going to do that job to the very best of my ability. And I'm going to continually stretch my ability. While I will admit that this belief often results in my being taken advantage of, I wouldn't be able to live with myself any other way. And though I have high expectations of my co-workers - be they peers, subordinates, or superiors - I will never expect anyone to work any harder than I do. I do, however, expect them to try to keep up.

Because of this belief, this past year has been especially difficult for me at work. Over 50% of the staff in my Division has less than a year on the job, and most less than six months. Trying to get everyone up to speed has been a challenge, especially since I am the ONLY FTO for my Division (67 Officers) and because I am often the only Supervisor on the floor. In my tiny unit alone, we have had 4 new officers since I was transferred in August of 2006. One was very successful and has moved on. Another is very successful and will be leaving us for about a year for military training. Another was very resistant to training and continues to struggle with the basics of the job, but has become quite conscientious and I have high hopes for him.

Which brings us to the newest member of my Unit. She came to us as a new hire in November, was in the office for about three days, then was sent to the two-week orientation (forcing the rest of the Unit to cover her cases), then came back for about a week, then went on a three-week vacation (forcing the rest of the Unit to cover her cases), then came back for three days and promptly was sent to another week-long training )forcing the rest of us to cover her cases because she just can't seem to get those reports done ahead of time, regardless of the fact that most of them are scheduled a YEAR in advance). She returned to the office for about a week before she announced that a nephew had died and she was flying out, to return in three days (Forcing the rest of us to cover her cases). In total, she has spent approximately 14 days of three months actually in the office. And when she is in the office, she is slow, resistant, passive-aggressive, whiny, two-faced, deceitful, and lazy.

Last week she went to my Supervisor and advised that she was really struggling with learning the job and asked for more help and training. My Supervisor assigned her a "mentor" from the Unit, and then assigned me to be with her, day in and day out, to provide comprehensive training on everything from how to prioritize the day's workload to how to accomplish the myraid data entry that must be done on a daily basis to cataloguing appropriate options for dispositions to basic report writing. And, like with every new officer that I've trained, when she comes to me with a question that is an issue of policy, I ask her what the manual says to do. If she doesn't know, I send her back to her cubicle to read the manual and instruct her to come back to me when she is familiar with the policy and then we will proceed from there. One of the most important things an officer in my position (and hers) must possess is a good grasp of law and policy and the wherewithal to know where to find necessary information.

I've been stuck to her like glue for four days, and I am so sick of her whiny, wimpy, honest-to-God-I-think-she-might-be-an-idiot, passive resistance that I'm ready to strangle her. I've never encountered someone so untrainable. In 8 years of training new officers, I have never encoutered someone who cannot take EVEN ONE simple direction. And in over 20 years of combined military, education, and law enforcement experience, I have never met another person so destined to fail because they just won't try to do what it takes to succeed.

This is not an easy job, and it isn't for everyone. but everyone knows that when you come in, you take the assignment they give you, and hope you can become proficient enough to pass the one-year probationary period. When you do, you can put in a transfer to a position that suits you better. This woman has been in her office all of 14 days and she told me this morning that she wants to transfer. The reason? "I want to be in the entry level position," she said.

"This IS the entry level position," I told her. She very snarkily said, "I don't believe you." She must have heard that I always lie through my teeth to new officers who are TOTAL FUCKING PUSSIES.

This is only a brief history of what's gone on this week, but the long and short of it is that my Supervisor directed me to be with this new officer every possible waking moment, to avoid further SNAFUs and minimize the work she is constantly having to re-do because she either refuses to take directions, fails to ask questions, or misrepresents the elements of the case in order to take an easier way out. This directive was given also because the officer in question specifically ASKED for more help and more training because she wasn't able to effectively manage either her time or her caseload, and THAT'S MY FLIPPIN' JOB.

So in order to fully get it out of my system, I am going to post the email conversation which started on Monday. I still cannot believe the absolute gall of this woman, and I'm ready for her to just quit. I don't have time for whiny little pussies and she is welcome to leave this Department entirely, as she has demonstrated herself to be nothing but a liability.

Read and enjoy!!

(me)

Hi J____ –

1. The Court called today after M_____________'s detention hearing. Apparently you indicated that she was a 750 Transfer case from Los Angeles County with a finding of truth regarding new charges in that County on 1-22-08.
Needless to say, the Court was VERY confused by your report. Los Angeles County transported J_________ to our Juvenile Hall on 1-31-08. There is no transfer paperwork, nor is there any indication of a finding of truth in LA County. It appears, though I can’t be sure, that LA transported the ward down on the warrant after it was issued on 1-22-08. I doubt the Pomona PD submitted their reports to the DA at all. Regardless, the ward is not here on a 750 transfer, and I am not sure why you submitted your report this way, especially since you and I discussed 750 Transfers in some detail only about a week ago.

Please, during this crucial learning period, don’t ever hesitate to ask questions. Your Supervisor can’t be expected to know the ins-and-outs of every case, and must assume that your information is correct in your reporting. Please pay significant attention to your report for J_________'s Disposition, as the Court will want clarification regarding the information you presented in the Detention Report – which is clearly in error. Be sure to go over it COMPREHENSIVELY and EARLY with SPO S_______.

2. I came in this morning to find the Detention report for J______ on my chair with a note from you telling me to take it to Court. Besides being inappropriate, this was unnecessary, as the Court Officers have a box on the I&I side that is used for just such emergent issues. The Court Officer’s inbox is only to be used in emergencies, but you can place your report + copies in it for hearings the next days if you’ve missed the deadline.

3. I completed the review for R___________. R____ has been on adult formal probation for several months, and was in local custody until 12-21-07. Contact notes indicate that you were aware of his status. R____ could have been terminated via Ex Parte at any time after his sentencing, which would have saved you (or in this case, me) a review report and the Court precious calendar time. Please review your cases for any wards in similar circumstances and we can talk about what action can be taken.

We are all here to help you, so please don’t try to do everything alone, and don’t wait until you’re completely stuck to ask questions. Save yourself the time of having to do things over and be sure you know the what-who-where-when-how of each report prior to starting to type. There are no stupid questions and no one minds helping you. It’s getting irate calls from Court or emergency reports that your co-workers don’t like.

Please come talk to me if you have any questions about these topics.

(her)

Dear A______,

In regard to your comment about talking to me about 750 transfer, you are mistaken. You did not talk to me about 750s in detail. As you may recall, when I have asked you questions in the past, you have told me to read the manual and then if I have questions, to come and see you. So, that’s what I have been doing. However, with your busy schedule, it is hard to find you when I need help. Therefore, I ask other POs.

In regards to J_______’s case, she went to LA Superior Court on 1/21/08 and was found true for PC148.9(a). I guess I thought she was a transfer case and perhaps forgot the procedures. But I thought I was writing the report correctly. As far as putting it on your chair to take to Court, P______ told me to place it on your chair with a note to walk it over to Court. I suppose since you were the Duty Officer for the day, she thought it was the appropriate thing to do.

As far as R_________’s case goes, no, I did not know an exparte could have been written.

As far as asking for help, I have been asking for help since I’ve been here. It’s the unexpected reports that pop up that I have not encountered that consumes my time: writing a social study. I appreciate your help as well as everyone else in the Unit. I couldn’t do this job without everyone’s assistance. I’m lucky to be in this Unit with caring people.

R, J____

(me)

Thank you for your thoughts. I do remember speaking with you about a 750 transfer on another ward on your caseload who was transferred, I believe, after an auto theft in Riverside County. We are all busy, especially me, because I have so many other responsibilities besides my caseload, so I do understand that I can be hard to find. You can ALWAYS call me on my cell phone (XXX-XXX-XXXX) with questions. And I am stuck to you like glue until the 15th, ready and waiting to be of any assistance.

I could not find any Court documents from Los Angeles in J______’s file. 750 transfer cases come with packets of documents from the sending Court to our Court. Perhaps these documents were somewhere else in your cubicle. I would be interested in seeing them, as if she IS a 750 transfer, the SD Court is unaware of it and we need to take steps to fix that.

I understand that you weren’t aware of your XP capability regarding R_____. That’s why I asked you to review your cases to see if there are other wards – like J______ – who are in similar circumstances. Should you come across these cases, we can talk about what the options are and possibly save you some report writing time.

Thanks again,
A

(her)

Thanks A____. I really “appreciate” all of your help, but I prefer that you do not try to manage my time. I’m fully capable of deciding what needs to be accomplished first, etc.. If I have a need, I will see you about it. You distract me when you continuously come to my space and ask me what I’m doing. I do not feel that I need to justify to you what I’m doing throughout the work day. So, as a professional courtesy, please reconsider the way you have been treating me. It is humiliating. Thanks!

R, J__________

(me)

J______, I’d like to set up a meeting today between you, P________, and myself if possible, otherwise Monday.

Please remember that I am the Senior PO for this Unit and that my assigned task is to supervise and train you. You have asked for more help and training, and our Supervisor has asked that I provide this to you. You don’t need to “justify” to me what you are doing throughout the work day, but you do need to be able to explain to me why you are doing what you are doing and how you have prioritized. This is the expectation in any workplace between supervisors and subordinates. It dismaying to hear that a normal workplace expectation is humiliating to you.

I cannot provide proper training unless I am with you for the majority of the day, as I am not providing you with comprehensive training if I leave you on your own to continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. It’s important to me to save you time and work during the training process, as learning this job can be overwhelming enough without added pressure of having to do and re-do assigned work. I feel that I have given you the “space” that you have asked for to complete paperwork and reports, but if I give you much more, I fear that we will be back where we started.

So, at this juncture, I think it’s important to go ahead and document exactly what the expectations are, so everyone will be on the same page. I will speak with P___ when she returns and hopefully we can do this today.

A

So after my last email, J____ went into the Director's office (without notifying me, the Supervisor for the day) and cried and whined and postured like a 17th century Frenchman.

I've decided that she can have exactly what she wants. Go ahead and fail, you fucking pussy. You wanna be on your own? You got it. But you've failed to realize that I'm the one who's going to be either recommending you for ongoing field duty or recommending you for termination.

*sigh*

I'm a raging bitch.

My Plan

It appears that I'm going to have two weeks to myself very soon, and I've been kicking around an idea for a short book. I'm thinking that the recovery time I'll have after surgery is a perfect time to start - and finish! - that project.

I have an outline and an introduction. It's not going to be a long book, because it doesn't need to be. I have no idea if it's going to be something that people will want to read or not, but I'm going to give it the ol' college try.

Here's the introduction:

"In reality, this book needs to be only a few pages. I think back to a Saturday Night Live skit featuring Bob Newhart, who portrayed a psychiatrist who charged $75.00 per session and guaranteed the client would need only one session. Enter the client, who related that her fear of “being buried alive in a box” was ruining her life. Bob, in the role of the doctor, said, “Stop it.”

It seems simplistic, but the same philosophy can be applied to the prevalent concept of self known as “victim.” Though the syndrome isn’t limited to women, women seem to demonstrate the self-concept most thoroughly. I hear statements like, “He’s so much bigger than I am,” and “What was I supposed to do?” every day. So, when women come to me and say, “I feel so vulnerable,” or “I’m terrified that someone is going to rob me,” it’s very difficult for me to refrain from saying, “Stop it!”

The fear of being a victim of violent crime is the common denominator in many of my conversations with women. Women feel that they are targets for criminals, and many have undertaken a complete change in their lifestyle to avoid this perceived threat. Some women have stopped using Automatic Teller Machines entirely, fearing that they will be “held up” as they access their accounts. Some women won’t even consider going to a shopping mall after dark, fearing that they will be kidnapped in their own car or robbed in the vast expanse of parking lot. Most women I’ve spoken to refuse to walk anywhere, at any time, fearing that they will be accosted, raped, robbed, or otherwise victimized. Perhaps most troubling is that the majority of women I’ve spoken with about this topic advised that they would not consider intervening in a crime against another person – even a child! - regardless of whether the criminal in question was or was not visibly displaying a weapon.

All I can say is “Stop it!” Stop seeing yourself as a victim. Stop being exactly what criminals expect you to be. Stop believing that you are weak, vulnerable, and easily overpowered. Stop letting fear control your life right here, right now. It's time to take back the night, and I’ll show you how."

What I Did Today

I've posted these "Rules for Gunfighting" before, but decided today to make a slideshow for when I do certain types of training at work. Two of the images are pretty wonky, and I don't know how it happened (and I'll fix them, of course), but in general I'm pretty proud of myself because I've never done anything like this before!!

Because I Lack Originality

Raw Thoughts posted "Seven Things I Approve Of" and I thought about it for a while and realized that coming up with seven things (concepts) I approve of might be a challenge. And challenge it was! Here's my list (in no particular order):

1. RESPONSIBILITY

In my world, if something is important enough to do, it's important enough to take responsibility for, even if the outcome is not as one envisioned. Sometimes the right decision doesn't produce the right outcomes. Sometimes the wrong decision doesn't have disastrous effects. Sometimes not making a decision at all makes things worse. Whatever the situation, if one makes a decision - hastily, carefully, or otherwise - and then takes action based on that choice, they MUST be fully prepared to take responsibility for the choice, the action, and any effect.

2. ACCOUNTABILITY

Accountability and responsibility are not the same thing, though many people use the words interchangeably. Let's say I'm faced with a situation in which I must use my firearm in the line of duty, and let's say that I fire four rounds and kill the suspect in question. I am responsible for that person's death AND for the decision to fire AND for the act of firing, and I am accountable for every round that was discharged from my weapon AND for the outcome of the situation as a whole. During the investigation, I am not only going to be asked questions about whether or not my decision to fire my weapon was justified, I'm also going to be asked questions about why I fired four times, where I thought those rounds might have gone (if they are not all found in the suspect) and whether or not firing four times instead of once was an irresponsible act given the surroundings. Should my decision be found to be justified and my actions found to be safe, I am still responsible for the death and the decision and the act, but I will not be held accountable for the death and the decision and the act. Should my actions not be found justifiable, then I will be held accountable, just the same as any thug on the street, for the death and the decision and the act.

The point is that responsibility and accountability are the two greatest gifts that any parent will ever give their children, and it is unfortunate that the current social climate seems to be ignoring both concepts. If a person buys a cup of coffee at a drive-thru window, and then spills the hot beverage in his or her lap as he or she is driving away from the window, that person is solely responsible for the decision to not properly secure the cup in a safe location in the vehicle prior to stepping on the accelerator and should, therefore, hold him or herself solely accountable for the outcome of that decision. Obviously, the current social - and legal! - norm does not agree with my approval of these two related-but-not-dependent concepts.

3. DRUG TESTING

I could be wrong, but my experience tells me that the only people who oppose testing for the detection of use of illicit drugs are people who use illicit drugs. A tip for all those who believe that drug testing is "violating (your) right to privacy:" you have no right to privacy if you are breaking the law. If you did, you'd be smoking out or shooting up or whatever it is you do out on the street in front of God and everybody instead of hiding surreptitiously in the bathroom or parking lot or dark alley. Don't believe me? Read the Fourth Amendment again, and while you're at it, check out the Fourteenth Amendment as well. Workplace drug testing can catch drug and alcohol-related problems before they become problems that kill innocent bystanders, and most employers have rehabiltiative options as part of a the benefits plan. As previously mentioned, I also believe that anyone who recieves public assistance for any reason should be subject to drug testing on a regular and random basis in order to more fully ensure that substance abuse is not subsidized by taxpayers. You don't have the right to endanger me and my family with your drug problem, nor do you have the right to use my money to do it.

4. IMMIGRATION ENFORCEMENT

This Nation has enough problems with people who were born here sponging off the system, so we certainly don't need the added burden of non-citizens doing it as well. I fully support any person who wishes to become an American citizen and pursue, in his or her own way, the American Dream. I fully support any immigrant who comes here legally, learns the language, successfully participates in the citizenship process, and builds a new life for his/her family. Immigration enforcement means that I don't have to learn a different language in order to communicate IN MY COUNTRY OF ORIGIN, that I don't have to pay ridiculously high premiums for health insurance, that I don't have to share tax rebates - that my 40% tax bracket paid for! - with people with Taxpayer Identification Numbers but no citizenship, that I don't have to worry aboput the security of my job because some legal "watchdog" group is suing the County that I work for because of the vastly overcrowded prison system which is CLOGGED with ILLEGAL ALIENS, that my vote doesn't have to compete with people who aren't citizens but represent the majority of my voting district and therefore control the money that they DON'T contribute, and that 50% OR MORE of the drug trade would be severely crippled. Yes, I approve of immigration enforcement.

5. RESPONSIBLE GUN OWNERSHIP AND REASONABLE GUN LAWS

The concept of "Freedom" implies limitations (otherwise we wouldn't need the concept, right?), and I approve of reasonable limitations as they apply to responsible gun ownership. I don't have a problem with a ten-day waiting period after purchasing a handgun. I don't have a problem with requiring first-time gun buyers to demonstrate proficiency (providing a class certificate or current qualification). I don't have a problem with DOJ checks and citizenship verification. This is reasonable in my eyes. I do, however, have a problem with the State limiting the number of rounds my magazine can hold and limiting the number and type of weapons I can own, mostly because legal gun owners aren't the problem. The State can limit me all it wants, but the problem of illegal gun crime will still exist because making new laws doesn't deter lawbreakers.
I approve of reasonable gun laws and regular, consistent enforcement of those laws. Take, for example, the shooting incident that happened a few months back in a Nebraska shopping mall. All of the law-abiding citizens - those with a right to bear arms - dutifully heeded the "No Gun Zone" signs and left their legal weapons at home. Apparently, the shooter chose to ignore those signs and the laws that allowed them (unbelievable, isn't it??), and proceeded to mow down anyone he could. Just one legally armed citizen could have stopped that shooting spree. Just one. But that was impossible because all of the legally armed citizens followed the unreasonable gun law.

6. SAME-SEX MARRIAGE

Love is Love IS Love.

But besides that, attempting to legislate morality is a lose-lose proposition, though most people fail to recognize it for the repressive political movement that it is. The issue of same-sex marriage is much like the ongoing issue surrounding Roe vs. Wade: though many political platforms and many special-interest groups would have us believe that these issues are moral issues, they are really issues of privacy. And, for the second time in one post, I will invoke the Fourth and Fourteenth Amendments of our Constitution, and staunchly posit that attempting to legislate same-sex marriage (just like attempting to legislate issues surrounding abortion) is a violation of EVERY CITIZEN'S constitutional rights. If we allow legislation suppressing the right to privacy of one group (which, by the way, violates the Fourteenth Amendment), how long will it be until we are expected to support legislation suppressing the right to privacy of all of us? It is a horridly slippery slope that is politically masked under righteous indignation - and folks are buying it right and left. If we vote to support the compromise of ANYONE'S right to privacy, then we cannot expect to uphold that right for ourselves.

7. FAMILY FIRST

I am constantly amazed at how many people forget that their REAL LIVES are at home, not at work. And though I understand that work funds home, the family has got to be the priority or the work has no meanng at all. One of the things I appreciated about my service in the Navy was the attitude of "if you don't have anything to do, don't do it here," which means "if you don't have anything to do, go home and spend time with your family while you can." There are days when I watch some people standing around, or trying to engage in "busy work" (yes, my job is cyclical too, and sometimes - rarely - there isn't much to do), and wonder why they don't just GO HOME and use that time to pick up their kids from daycare and actually PLAY with them.

Just the other day, as I was asking my Supervisor if I could "flex" my time in order to accomodate my daughter's softball schedule, I was totally amazed at her response: "Well, if it's that important that you be there for those practices, then I guess we can allow that." OF COURSE it's that important for me to be there! OF COURSE it's more important than ANYTHING here!

The expectation that was implied by that exchange is the most troubling of all: "This job is the most important thing in your life." Um, no. I don't think so. Family first. Always.