Early Thursday morning, my step-brother shot himself, ending his life, after a three-week drinking binge. He'd been sober for 6 years; we were all so grateful to have him back after years spent battling that super-scary form of alcoholism. He married, had step-children that he loved dearly, and (as was the case his entire life) worked hard to care for them.
I am so grateful that his pain and suffering have ended. I am so grateful - perhaps selfishly - to be here to mourn him. I am so saddened that he didn't reach out - to anyone! - for a different viewpoint, a different option, a different voice resonating in his head. And I have my own little brand of survivor's guilt as well, and it chews at my heart and angers me to no end: it is, without a doubt, by the grace of God that I am here today to write this. I had an angel visit me at the crucial moment, an angel who reminded me that there is always time to make a new choice. Where was my brother's angel?? What's so special about ME and not so special about HIM????????
This guilt was enough to re-spark the pervasive anger with God that I felt so profoundly in the 24 months leading up to my own critical incident, and given that I've only recently begun speaking to God again, it was so easy to fall right back into that pissed off mode where I could just ignore the voice of the Divine and feel vindicated and even comforted by my rage and guilt. Because my last-minute choice - that Divinely-inspired last minute choice - brought me right back into the life I hated... but my brother's choice violently removed him from a life he loved. And all I could think, all I could feel, was, "Fuck you, God." The sick irony of it all was just too much to bear.
So, you all will remember that, for some reason, I never have the bathroom to myself. Where I am concerned, there is no such thing as a moment alone in the powder room, and it just doesn't seem to matter to anyone what I'm doing. Not only that, but depending on what it is that I AM doing, those who insist on traipsing in and out while I'm trying to do it can't seem to refrain from making comments about it. Instead of constantly reminding people that I'm IN THE BATHROOM, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, I've just learned to live with it. Lo! And behold! Monday afternoon, upon returning from a nice long ride all over the county, I had the whole house to myself... and thus the bathroom as well.
So, enjoying this moment of solitude, I settled down on the commode just to revel in being alone. I wasn't really going to do anything there (at least nothing that couldn't be done in the space of a few seconds), but just wanted to enjoy the absolute RARENESS of it. Alas, once again my attempts at privacy in the bathroom were thwarted, because God chose just that moment to pick a fight with me. And when I said, "I'm angry with you. I don't want to talk to you," God (in a very unGod-like tactic) said, "Too bad."
"Okay, fine," I said. "Where was CHAD'S angel, God?? Where were you when CHAD needed you?? Hunh?? Where were you, you fuck? Because I'm not so sure I deserved your intervention, but HE sure as fuck did! WHERE WERE YOU??"
And She said, in the quietest and most patient voice, "It was only a matter of time, and you know it. And so did he. If you insist of thinking of it in those terms, Chad's "angel" gave him courage, yours gave you time. It is not your place to judge the Grace of the gift and nor is it Mine; your place is to know that Grace guides us all."
And so it does. I hate it that She's always right.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Goofy Theory that is Keeping Me Awake at Night
When we talk about cell replication, the process of our bodies’ growth and renewal, people generally speak of it in terms of mitosis, or actual replication like the “splitting” of cells in a fertilized egg. But the renewal of the cells in our body – a complete renewal that goes in about a 7 year cycle – isn’t replication, it’s replacement. The cells are copied, not replicated, by incoming and organized sub-atomic particles. Cancer is blamed on poor replication – that is, an incomplete or “wrong” replication of the original cell, much like copying a videotape. If you make a copy of a videotape, the copy is degraded. If you make a copy of the copy, it’s even more degraded. And so on and so on and so on. Only some of the body's renewal is achieved by the mitotic cell cycle.
BUT… the process isn’t replication, it’s replacement. So the body is replacing the existing cells with the information from those cells. Our bodies, the way we understand them, could function perfectly for at least 180 years… and that is probably a gross underestimation. The body’s degeneration is blamed on this degraded replication process. The process itself is blamed. And that is fundamentally flawed. The process of cell replacement is perfect – it is the cells that are being replaced that aren’t.
So, logic dictates that as sub-atomic particles coalesce for cell replacement, the only information that is available is the cell itself. If the cell that is being replaced is degraded or damaged, the energy coalescing to replace it does not know that, it only knows the configuration present to copy. The process of replication is degraded because the original cell is damaged, not because the process has failed.
So, how do we damage the cells? What do we do that changes who we are at a sub-atomic and (more globally) cellular level? Surely the toxins of our daily living have an impact: the foods we eat, the synthetic properties of some of those foods, medicines, smoking, alcohol, carbon monoxide, etc etc etc. But understanding also that our bodies are not the solid matter that we perceive, but a chaotic conglomeration of particles that are somehow held together by a specific-to-you electromagnetic field through which all cellular communication is established, don’t we also damage our cells with stress? Anger? Negativity of all kinds, especially if it is constant and pervasive? And where does that come from?
Stress… anger… negative self-talk… feelings of oppression… sadness… injustice… suffering, etc. These are all products of our intellect, of our consciousness of ourselves as separate entities and “thinking” things. We feel a feeling and we label it, nurse it, analyze it, deconstruct it. The same with feelings of elation, joy, tenderness, loyalty, protectiveness. These feelings have names because we gave them names. They have sense because we’ve constructed a sense about them – if only to be able to communicate that feeling to others in a way we hope they will understand. AS “thinking things,” have we ever stopped to wonder where these feelings – just the plain, unlabeled, unanalyzed feelings – come from? How are they generated? What is they’re purpose? Because we don’t “think” these things, we feel them. And then we “think” about them, give them names, and compare experiences.
If our choices are the product of our “intellect,” this “gift” of free will that is often attributed to God, what are emotions the product of? Philosophers for ages have discussed the “mind/body problem,” in that we have sense AND reference of and to our bodies, but neither for our minds, except for the basic concept of “I am.” And despite complete cellular replacement every 7 years or so, we continue to have the sense of “I AM” as a continuous stream of being, even as the energy of our bodies changes to something completely new in a cycle that ends only with the death of the body. And when that electromagnetic information ceases to be exchanged within the body, does it also cease to be exchanged between the thing we have sense of as “I AM” and the relative energy that confirms it? The Laws of Thermodynamics shout a resounding NO.
So, it stands to reason that there is something about us that is not our bodies and something else about us that is not our minds. There is no doubt in my “mind” (haha) that when my body ceases to exchange energy information between its systems, my brain – the thing that we posit contains our central computer and thus the “IAM” part of us – will cease exchanging information as well, as it is the central part of that system indeed. But the energy that compels me to know I AM I forever, throughout a life in which all cellular information is replaced several times, must be in direct systemic exchange with a similar and relative energy. An exchange that would continue regardless of the communication shutdown in the shrouded and particular systems of this coalescence of cells that I call my body. Could this direct systemic energy exchange between the field that dictates my particular energy and whatever relative field that confirms it be the Soul? And could this constant resonation from the relative energy be the source of what we call “emotion,” which, for the purposes of this theorizing would then be held as the electromagnetic and subatomic system of… God?
Systemic Memory Theory says…. Maybe?
So, if emotion is the voice of our “soul,” that connection to the relative system outside the system- of- the- body configuration, and we rely on our “minds” to dissect this emotion, respond to this emotion, label this emotion, deconstruct this emotion, dislike this emotion, avoid this emotion, expect this emotion, make choices in relation to this emotion… then aren’t we arrogantly using our dubious power of discrimination (choice) to subvert, muffle, second-guess, and overanalyze our connection with the Divine? Aren’t we then torturing ourselves with the curse of “free will,” when in fact, that sense of “free will” is only a by-product of an inferior and almost completely unrelated system? And when we do that… aren’t we then killing our personal system? Damaging the cells? Poisoning ourselves?
Soooo… that what’s brings me to the question: What if your Soul’s voice was the ONLY voice you heard? What if you had no choice but to listen and obey? What if you realized that the intellect you rely on for “choices” is only allowing you to second guess the voice of your soul and thus, kill it?
They say that God made the angels first, and they were made only to praise and serve him. The Morning Star was angered (impossible if the creation story is right, but whatever) with God for creating humans, who had free will and could choose to praise God ( or not), and choose many other things as well. Lucifer had it backward. WE are not the blessed ones, because we have the choice to hear our Souls… or not. It seem to me that the systemic connection from “I AM” to the relative and ultimately containing field is constant, unending, irrefutable, and is the True Source, the Divine, the Universal Mud, whatever you want to call it. We do the Great System a grand disservice by failing to nurture the connection, and using the excuse of “free will” for the death of our souls.
In other words: We kill ourselves with “what if?” We kill ourselves with fear. We kill ourselves with denial. We kill ourselves with the belief that we are less than perfect. We kill ourselves with the belief that we are separate, alone, entities unto ourselves and nothing else. WE kill ourselves with the overuse of the inferior system (mind) of the body’s configuration rather than nurturing that system with the energy of the connection to the Source.
I can’t get it out of my head: What if your Soul’s voice was the only voice you heard?
BUT… the process isn’t replication, it’s replacement. So the body is replacing the existing cells with the information from those cells. Our bodies, the way we understand them, could function perfectly for at least 180 years… and that is probably a gross underestimation. The body’s degeneration is blamed on this degraded replication process. The process itself is blamed. And that is fundamentally flawed. The process of cell replacement is perfect – it is the cells that are being replaced that aren’t.
So, logic dictates that as sub-atomic particles coalesce for cell replacement, the only information that is available is the cell itself. If the cell that is being replaced is degraded or damaged, the energy coalescing to replace it does not know that, it only knows the configuration present to copy. The process of replication is degraded because the original cell is damaged, not because the process has failed.
So, how do we damage the cells? What do we do that changes who we are at a sub-atomic and (more globally) cellular level? Surely the toxins of our daily living have an impact: the foods we eat, the synthetic properties of some of those foods, medicines, smoking, alcohol, carbon monoxide, etc etc etc. But understanding also that our bodies are not the solid matter that we perceive, but a chaotic conglomeration of particles that are somehow held together by a specific-to-you electromagnetic field through which all cellular communication is established, don’t we also damage our cells with stress? Anger? Negativity of all kinds, especially if it is constant and pervasive? And where does that come from?
Stress… anger… negative self-talk… feelings of oppression… sadness… injustice… suffering, etc. These are all products of our intellect, of our consciousness of ourselves as separate entities and “thinking” things. We feel a feeling and we label it, nurse it, analyze it, deconstruct it. The same with feelings of elation, joy, tenderness, loyalty, protectiveness. These feelings have names because we gave them names. They have sense because we’ve constructed a sense about them – if only to be able to communicate that feeling to others in a way we hope they will understand. AS “thinking things,” have we ever stopped to wonder where these feelings – just the plain, unlabeled, unanalyzed feelings – come from? How are they generated? What is they’re purpose? Because we don’t “think” these things, we feel them. And then we “think” about them, give them names, and compare experiences.
If our choices are the product of our “intellect,” this “gift” of free will that is often attributed to God, what are emotions the product of? Philosophers for ages have discussed the “mind/body problem,” in that we have sense AND reference of and to our bodies, but neither for our minds, except for the basic concept of “I am.” And despite complete cellular replacement every 7 years or so, we continue to have the sense of “I AM” as a continuous stream of being, even as the energy of our bodies changes to something completely new in a cycle that ends only with the death of the body. And when that electromagnetic information ceases to be exchanged within the body, does it also cease to be exchanged between the thing we have sense of as “I AM” and the relative energy that confirms it? The Laws of Thermodynamics shout a resounding NO.
So, it stands to reason that there is something about us that is not our bodies and something else about us that is not our minds. There is no doubt in my “mind” (haha) that when my body ceases to exchange energy information between its systems, my brain – the thing that we posit contains our central computer and thus the “IAM” part of us – will cease exchanging information as well, as it is the central part of that system indeed. But the energy that compels me to know I AM I forever, throughout a life in which all cellular information is replaced several times, must be in direct systemic exchange with a similar and relative energy. An exchange that would continue regardless of the communication shutdown in the shrouded and particular systems of this coalescence of cells that I call my body. Could this direct systemic energy exchange between the field that dictates my particular energy and whatever relative field that confirms it be the Soul? And could this constant resonation from the relative energy be the source of what we call “emotion,” which, for the purposes of this theorizing would then be held as the electromagnetic and subatomic system of… God?
Systemic Memory Theory says…. Maybe?
So, if emotion is the voice of our “soul,” that connection to the relative system outside the system- of- the- body configuration, and we rely on our “minds” to dissect this emotion, respond to this emotion, label this emotion, deconstruct this emotion, dislike this emotion, avoid this emotion, expect this emotion, make choices in relation to this emotion… then aren’t we arrogantly using our dubious power of discrimination (choice) to subvert, muffle, second-guess, and overanalyze our connection with the Divine? Aren’t we then torturing ourselves with the curse of “free will,” when in fact, that sense of “free will” is only a by-product of an inferior and almost completely unrelated system? And when we do that… aren’t we then killing our personal system? Damaging the cells? Poisoning ourselves?
Soooo… that what’s brings me to the question: What if your Soul’s voice was the ONLY voice you heard? What if you had no choice but to listen and obey? What if you realized that the intellect you rely on for “choices” is only allowing you to second guess the voice of your soul and thus, kill it?
They say that God made the angels first, and they were made only to praise and serve him. The Morning Star was angered (impossible if the creation story is right, but whatever) with God for creating humans, who had free will and could choose to praise God ( or not), and choose many other things as well. Lucifer had it backward. WE are not the blessed ones, because we have the choice to hear our Souls… or not. It seem to me that the systemic connection from “I AM” to the relative and ultimately containing field is constant, unending, irrefutable, and is the True Source, the Divine, the Universal Mud, whatever you want to call it. We do the Great System a grand disservice by failing to nurture the connection, and using the excuse of “free will” for the death of our souls.
In other words: We kill ourselves with “what if?” We kill ourselves with fear. We kill ourselves with denial. We kill ourselves with the belief that we are less than perfect. We kill ourselves with the belief that we are separate, alone, entities unto ourselves and nothing else. WE kill ourselves with the overuse of the inferior system (mind) of the body’s configuration rather than nurturing that system with the energy of the connection to the Source.
I can’t get it out of my head: What if your Soul’s voice was the only voice you heard?
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