A Difficult Topic... but Which Isn't?

A recent conversation with a dear friend of many, many years prompted this post. His frustration, helplessness, and confusion was touching and tragic to me; however, it is the topic itself that is far more frightening.

Dalma Heyn, in her book The Erotic Silence of the American Wife, wrote:

"Trying to account for why so many wives called their marriages 'happy' when they revealed signs of feeling deeply alientated in them, Bernard (sociologist Jessie Bernard, 1976) found that researchers tended to ignore what a woman said unless certain arbitrary criteria were met. They measured the success of a woman's marriage not according to her honest appraisal of it, but rather to their interpretation of her adjustment to it. ...Bernard concluded that if researchers measure a woman's happiness in marriage by her adjustment to it, it is understandable why a wife would do the same, since she then 'interprets reconciliation as happiness no matter how much she is paying for it in terms of psychological distress.'"

She continued,

"Married women in these (modern) studies report about 20 percent more depression than single women and three times the rate of severe neurosis. Married women have more nervous breakdowns, nervousness, heart palpitations, and inertia. Still other afflictions disproportionately plague married women: insomnia, trembling hands, dizzy spells, nightmares, hypochondria, passivity, agoraphobia and other phobias, unhappiness with their physical appearance, and overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame. A twenty-five year longitudinal study of college-educated women found that wives had the lowest self-esteem, felt the least attractive, reported the most loneliness, and considered themselves the least competent at any task - even child care."

And,

"Finally, when noted mental health researchers Gerald Klerman and Myrna Weissman reviewed all the depression literature on women and tested for factors ranging from genetics to PMS to birth control pills, they could find only two prime causes for female depression: low social status and marriage." (italics mine)

The book itself explores the subject of women with extramarital relationships, and how it is increasingly common for women to say that "their dilemma is not how to end either the adulterous relationship or the marriage, but how to maintain both."

I hear quite often from married women that approximate my age that sex has become so low on their list of priorities that it may as well not be on the list at all. We are tired... we are frazzled from working full-time, maintaining a household, raising children, managing a family calendar, organizing activities, and providing an endless supply of baked goods for the PTA/Booster Club/Book Fair Pot Luck/Bake Sale/etc. More than this, sex becomes just another duty; something else to add to the list of chores that must be accomplished before we can fall, exhausted, into bed for approximately 5 hours of sleep per night. And this is just the surface - underneath the emotional exhaustion of the business that is marriage and family is the dark and sinister knowledge that your children stole your figure, your youth, and your career competitiveness... and your husband sees that you are no longer the young girl with so much promise and sexual fire, a dessicated husk that can barely bring herself to go through the motions.

Heyn writes,

"As woman after woman voices her deepest feelings about marriage and sex, striking similarities emerge: Something had changed inside each of them during marriage; they had experienced a profound loss, an inexplicable silencing of their inner selves."

Does it seem logical to anyone else that the voice of that inner self might often be sexual desire?

My hypothesis: Married women seek extramarital relationships because they represent a sacred space no longer found in their lives of sacrifice. A purely sexual relationship is an equal relationship - one in which each party brings the same thing to the table and leaves with the same reward. Married women lose their sexual voice - and thus their manifested sexual desire - because sex becomes something that must happen to maintain the relationship rather than something that must happen to be whole.

Heyn wrote:

"I am saying that for all these women I interviewed, sexually exclusive marital relationships were made joyous only when they first killed off that Perfect Wife, and shattered this rigid institutional cage in which she flourished and which imprisoned their sexual selves. The conventional goodness the women entered when they married, and through which they found they still assumed status and approval, was precisely what was killing them - and their husbands, too - and they felt they must smash that framework in order to save them both."

...And Hilarity Ensues...

I am in financial creativity mode, fervishly making savings solutions and shopping for better interest rates for existing debt. I'm not willing to refinance my mortgage because I want to have a huge chunk of profit from the sale of this tiny home when I retire, a chunk that will by me a happy little mansion anywhere else in the country.

So, when I received the "limited time offer" for a 0% interest rate on balance transfers "for LIFE!!" teaser, I decided to apply. I had a specific account to transfer in mind and needed a specific credit line to do it, which I related to Katie, the Customer Service representative, immediately. She told me there was no way of knowing what I would be approved for without applying, so I (sigh) went through the process via telephone.

Let me take this opportunity to mention that I have held an account with this particular financial institution in the past and HATED every minute of it. Exhorbitant and undisclosed fees - which they found a way to levy even after the account was closed but still being paid for - and shoddy customer service was my unshakable recollection, but I was giving them another chance - against my better judgment!! - because 0% interest "For LIFE!!!" is a helluva deal.

After giving Katie more information than I'd feel comfortable giving a lover, she gleefully informed me that I had been "INSTANTLY APPROVED!!" for a credit line of $6000. To which I, of course, replied, "That's not gonna cut it."

"I'm sorry?" Poor Katie.

"That's not enough. I told you at the outset that I would need a specific credit line and that I would be wasting our time if I were not going to be approved for that amount."

"I understand, Ma'am, but this was only the Instant Approval. Please call back within 72 hours to request a credit line increase. That way, you'll be able to speak with an Account Manager."

"I'd like to just submit my request now, so your underwriter or whoever can get a copy of my credit report and have an answer for me when I call back."

"I'm sorry, Ma'am. The account is inaccesible for requests now."

(sigh) Naturally.

Monday morning I called the 1-800 number and requested a credit line increase. Pam, the Customer Service representative (this time in Utah - the first one was in Arizona), proclaimed that I probably would not be approved because "they give you the highest amount they can give you when you're first approved."

Uh, right. Apparently Arizona and Utah don't communicate well. Anyway, I politely asked Pam to please put the request through regardless. She tittered, "Well, okaaaaaay...." and told me to call back before 5:00 pm the next day, because "that's when the Account Managers are in."

(sigh) Right.

I dialed the 1-800 number again upon returning home from work today, to find myself connected to the Delaware Customer Service Center. Marie, the newest Customer Service rep in an increasingly long line of extremely polite disappointments, informed me that my request for increased funding had been denied. She then asked me if I was ready to transfer the balances of my high-interest credit cards?? I laughed and advised her that I wanted to cancel my account. She crooned, "I can help you with that right away," and then I heard a click followed by Muzak.

(sigh) Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, over?

After spending a few moments on hold, another Customer Service rep came on the line, identified himself as Dave, and asked how he could help me today. I, still stung from being unceremoniously passed off and confused because it appeared that my previous discussion with Marie had somehow been erased from historical happenstance, again provided my identifying information (now Dave the CSR knows more about me that my first four boyfriends put together) and related my confusion at being transferred when I had only asked to cancel my account. Dave responded that he could help me with that right away, and I braced myself for the click that would irrefutably prove that I was stuck in a customer service time warp.

I realized that I had been squinching my eyes shut, awaiting the onslaught of Muzak, when Dave asked why I was choosing to cancel the account I'd applied for only three days before?

"Well, Dave, I had a specific account in mind to transfer a balance from and I wasn't approved for enough credit to do it."

"Oh, bummer. What kind of credit line do you need?"

"$14,000."

"Oh, well why not just use the $6000 line we gave you to transfer as much of that other balance as you can?"

"Dave, it's all or nothing. Please just cancel the account."

"I'm working on that right now for you, Ma'am. But I have to tell you that transferring the $6000 from your other balance would save you $68.19 per month."

Was I hearing this right? Was he trying to convince me that I should SPLIT the debt? Incredulous, I realized that he was!

"Hey, Dave, that's great. But I really just want to cancel the account. The 0% interest rate sounded really good, but I'm not willing to split the balance. I'll just get a signature loan from my bank."

Snottily, Dave retorted, "Well, even if you got a 2.99% rate, you'd still be paying $19 more per month than you would if you used our $6000 at 0%."

Patience, girl, I thought. This man was obviously sent by Beelezebub to torment you. Getting medieval on his dumb ass won't make this go any faster.

"Dave, please don't interpret this to mean that I'm interested in discussing this any further, but let me point out that transferring $6000 of a $14,000 debt that sits currently at 12.99% to a 0% rate means that I would be paying a combined rate of approximately 7.5% on both. Please tell me how you calculate that deal to be saving me any money at all when I can get a signature loan from my bank at a 3.99% rate for the whole shebang?"

"Well, why didn't you do that in the first place, then? You're obviously desperate for the money or you wouldn't have applied."

Yes. He really said that. Yes he did. I hadn't realized that only "desperate" people applied for 0% credit line to transfer high-rate balances. Though I had had suspicions prior to this more-bizarre-every-second conversation with Dave, I was quickly becoming certain of the folly of being seduced by a mailer and a come-hither-thou-fascinating-stranger low interest rate. I summoned every bit of icy righteousness available in my armory.

"Dave, I will now implore you to resist the urge to switch to the application screen after we conclude our business, lest you feel small and stupid. Of course, you'll make your own decision, but I hope next time it will involve knowing the facts of a matter before you open your mouth to speak as an expert. That said, is that account cancelled and deleted?"

"I'm sorry that you obviously don't want to save as much money as you possibly can. Your account is cancelled." Dave said this in a tone that implied that THEY had sought ME out (instead ofthe other way around) and that indicated I'm not good enough for a Discover account anyway.

With infinite patience, I thanked him for his time and offered a silent prayer of gratitute for my narrow escape.

(sigh) What the hell was I thinking?

OOPS! I just realized that I typed the name of the financial institution!! Gee, I hope my humble blogging doesn't cause any measure of public distrust!!!!

Some Things Are Not Negotiable

My daughter had a self-inflicted medical issue the other day that forced an inconvenient, but immediately necessary response. Though her injury appeared serious, it was not an emergency; thus, I attempted to make an Urgent Care appointment at our regular clinic with our regular "primary care manager."

I was informed that no appointments were available for the next few days because the clinic doctors had "union issues." Seems that these issues precluded most of the doctors from appearing for work.

I was forced to take my daughter to the already understaffed and vastly overworked Emergency Room at the Naval Medical Center, where we encountered tired, dedicated professionals who were not happy about keeping us waiting for 3 and 1/2 hours and did their very best to keep us informed and comfortable. They recognized that the heavier-than-usual backlog was a result of the current dysfunction in the clinical environments and took it in stride as positively as possible, at least to the public eye. I, moved by their response and acceptance, remembered again how blessed I have been to serve with shipmates such as these.

In my mind, there are some professions that mean more than a paycheck. We who choose to serve the public good, whether it be in military service, law enforcement, the medical field, or emergency services, do not have the luxury of negotiating terms of service. In the military, I learned the meaning of duty; in my current role I am called to practice it regardless of pay, union involvement, or private expectation. One could argue that our servicemen and women show their dedication to duty because they are obligated by their signatures on contracts that make them government property twenty-four hours a day. Having lived it myself, I have to disagree. Military service, like the other fields mentioned, is a calling. I committed myself to duty because I wanted to, not because I had to. And I continue that personal tradition today. No one twists my arm and tells me that I'm responsible for protecting the safety of the people in this community - I am compelled to be. And I will do it, without or without a pay increase every year, with or without benefits, with or without ergonomic office equipment.

I am disappointed in the professional ethics of several doctors who chose their personal interests over the duty of their calling. I am incensed that the ER staff at the Naval Medical Center were forced to triage the trauma victims that arrived in ambulance after ambulance within the parameters of patients in pain that had already waited several hours for treatment. I empathize with the frustration of those patient and exhausted doctors, nurses, and corpsman who were forced to notify Emergency Services that they were unable to accept any more ambulance deliveries because of the backlog of patients who SHOULD HAVE been seen in the clinical environment. And I am stricken with grief for those who did not get necessary medical care in time to make a difference.

"Union issues." Shame on you.