...And Hilarity Ensues...

I am in financial creativity mode, fervishly making savings solutions and shopping for better interest rates for existing debt. I'm not willing to refinance my mortgage because I want to have a huge chunk of profit from the sale of this tiny home when I retire, a chunk that will by me a happy little mansion anywhere else in the country.

So, when I received the "limited time offer" for a 0% interest rate on balance transfers "for LIFE!!" teaser, I decided to apply. I had a specific account to transfer in mind and needed a specific credit line to do it, which I related to Katie, the Customer Service representative, immediately. She told me there was no way of knowing what I would be approved for without applying, so I (sigh) went through the process via telephone.

Let me take this opportunity to mention that I have held an account with this particular financial institution in the past and HATED every minute of it. Exhorbitant and undisclosed fees - which they found a way to levy even after the account was closed but still being paid for - and shoddy customer service was my unshakable recollection, but I was giving them another chance - against my better judgment!! - because 0% interest "For LIFE!!!" is a helluva deal.

After giving Katie more information than I'd feel comfortable giving a lover, she gleefully informed me that I had been "INSTANTLY APPROVED!!" for a credit line of $6000. To which I, of course, replied, "That's not gonna cut it."

"I'm sorry?" Poor Katie.

"That's not enough. I told you at the outset that I would need a specific credit line and that I would be wasting our time if I were not going to be approved for that amount."

"I understand, Ma'am, but this was only the Instant Approval. Please call back within 72 hours to request a credit line increase. That way, you'll be able to speak with an Account Manager."

"I'd like to just submit my request now, so your underwriter or whoever can get a copy of my credit report and have an answer for me when I call back."

"I'm sorry, Ma'am. The account is inaccesible for requests now."

(sigh) Naturally.

Monday morning I called the 1-800 number and requested a credit line increase. Pam, the Customer Service representative (this time in Utah - the first one was in Arizona), proclaimed that I probably would not be approved because "they give you the highest amount they can give you when you're first approved."

Uh, right. Apparently Arizona and Utah don't communicate well. Anyway, I politely asked Pam to please put the request through regardless. She tittered, "Well, okaaaaaay...." and told me to call back before 5:00 pm the next day, because "that's when the Account Managers are in."

(sigh) Right.

I dialed the 1-800 number again upon returning home from work today, to find myself connected to the Delaware Customer Service Center. Marie, the newest Customer Service rep in an increasingly long line of extremely polite disappointments, informed me that my request for increased funding had been denied. She then asked me if I was ready to transfer the balances of my high-interest credit cards?? I laughed and advised her that I wanted to cancel my account. She crooned, "I can help you with that right away," and then I heard a click followed by Muzak.

(sigh) Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, over?

After spending a few moments on hold, another Customer Service rep came on the line, identified himself as Dave, and asked how he could help me today. I, still stung from being unceremoniously passed off and confused because it appeared that my previous discussion with Marie had somehow been erased from historical happenstance, again provided my identifying information (now Dave the CSR knows more about me that my first four boyfriends put together) and related my confusion at being transferred when I had only asked to cancel my account. Dave responded that he could help me with that right away, and I braced myself for the click that would irrefutably prove that I was stuck in a customer service time warp.

I realized that I had been squinching my eyes shut, awaiting the onslaught of Muzak, when Dave asked why I was choosing to cancel the account I'd applied for only three days before?

"Well, Dave, I had a specific account in mind to transfer a balance from and I wasn't approved for enough credit to do it."

"Oh, bummer. What kind of credit line do you need?"

"$14,000."

"Oh, well why not just use the $6000 line we gave you to transfer as much of that other balance as you can?"

"Dave, it's all or nothing. Please just cancel the account."

"I'm working on that right now for you, Ma'am. But I have to tell you that transferring the $6000 from your other balance would save you $68.19 per month."

Was I hearing this right? Was he trying to convince me that I should SPLIT the debt? Incredulous, I realized that he was!

"Hey, Dave, that's great. But I really just want to cancel the account. The 0% interest rate sounded really good, but I'm not willing to split the balance. I'll just get a signature loan from my bank."

Snottily, Dave retorted, "Well, even if you got a 2.99% rate, you'd still be paying $19 more per month than you would if you used our $6000 at 0%."

Patience, girl, I thought. This man was obviously sent by Beelezebub to torment you. Getting medieval on his dumb ass won't make this go any faster.

"Dave, please don't interpret this to mean that I'm interested in discussing this any further, but let me point out that transferring $6000 of a $14,000 debt that sits currently at 12.99% to a 0% rate means that I would be paying a combined rate of approximately 7.5% on both. Please tell me how you calculate that deal to be saving me any money at all when I can get a signature loan from my bank at a 3.99% rate for the whole shebang?"

"Well, why didn't you do that in the first place, then? You're obviously desperate for the money or you wouldn't have applied."

Yes. He really said that. Yes he did. I hadn't realized that only "desperate" people applied for 0% credit line to transfer high-rate balances. Though I had had suspicions prior to this more-bizarre-every-second conversation with Dave, I was quickly becoming certain of the folly of being seduced by a mailer and a come-hither-thou-fascinating-stranger low interest rate. I summoned every bit of icy righteousness available in my armory.

"Dave, I will now implore you to resist the urge to switch to the application screen after we conclude our business, lest you feel small and stupid. Of course, you'll make your own decision, but I hope next time it will involve knowing the facts of a matter before you open your mouth to speak as an expert. That said, is that account cancelled and deleted?"

"I'm sorry that you obviously don't want to save as much money as you possibly can. Your account is cancelled." Dave said this in a tone that implied that THEY had sought ME out (instead ofthe other way around) and that indicated I'm not good enough for a Discover account anyway.

With infinite patience, I thanked him for his time and offered a silent prayer of gratitute for my narrow escape.

(sigh) What the hell was I thinking?

OOPS! I just realized that I typed the name of the financial institution!! Gee, I hope my humble blogging doesn't cause any measure of public distrust!!!!