The Best Love Letter I've Ever Received - Take Notes, Guys!!

I am happy when I am with you.
I am sad when I am not.
I have scratch marks down my arms because our bodies please each other.
The sweet scent of your essence covers me.
My thoughts stray not from you.
You are immortal in my mind.
You are perfect in my eyes.
Your flaws are consistent with true beauty.
My commitment to you is entire and eternal.
You reside within me.
Your spirit surrounds me.
Your love intoxicates me.

I like leaving kitty tracks on my sheets.
I enjoy injecting you into conversation.
I go off topic to mention you to others.
My heart races when I see you wear our ring.
My soul laments when you do not.
When you are coming to see me my world finds harmony.
When you are leaving my life is in discord.
The thought of you staying is worth any risk.
But the pain of your departure is too much to bear.
I find myself uniquely interested in what you will wear.
But primitively aroused to experience what's underneath.
Your sensuality makes me feel sexy about myself.
Every time I touch you is the first time.
You make love greater for me.
You make love less for me.
You make love.

We are together.
We belong there.
We are powerful.
We have grown closer and continue to do so.
We are not like others.
We share more, see more, want more, need more.
Our passion burns brighter than stars.
We are worth fighting for.
We should fight harder.
We make me feel greater than myself, a god among mortals.
We convince me that anything is possible, and I can do it.
We are a gift from God, his love given to us.
All of Heaven and Creation pulls for us.
I pull for us, with all I am.
You pull for us, but sometimes you stop.
My life would not be fulfilled without us, constant.
We are essential to my existence.
We will always be together once we start.
We will always be where I want to be.
We will always.

I will always want more of you.
You will always feed my desires.
You will always embody my desires.
You haunt me.
You fill me.
You complete me.
You elate me.
You frighten me.
You hurt me.
You heal me.
You impassion me.
You give me.
You take from me.
You need me.
You love me.
You are me.
Power beyond comprehension. Thank you.

Confession (A Bedtime Story)

It's always you. No other.
In this place where we are - both, but not together - I attend to mundane tasks and find sweet mindlessness in the repetition while my unanchored spirit kneels on the floor between your parted knees, looking into your beautifully contorted face and feeling the powerful flex and torsion of your thighs as you rock back in your chair and allow me the freedom to explore this gift as I please. Your copper-and-musk scent and thrust assault my senses and throat, both still somewhat barricaded inside your hateful clothing that - given our circumstance! - I cannot overcome. You hum a deep and barely discernible melody of ecstasyagonyneed and my tongue dances, entranced by the beauty of it; my hands journey enthralled by by the subtle and primal rhythm of contraction and release that sings through your thighs and abdomen. Your fingers entwine in my hair, insistent and violent, pulling my lips closer and open to your secret shuddering and sweet release.
Only you. Again and again and again.

Requiem Remembered from Recent Conversation

My hair, now long and tangled
fell barely past my chin then
that day when we first met
and I sit tonight on a cold floor
in a house that's familiarly hateful
cigarette after cigarette burns unnoticed
between my fingers
because I can feel yours
twisting strands of that long-ago hair
in a mindless and heartbreaking rhythm
and I remember
that spring and summer
of my thirtieth year
you saved the strands you found
in vehicles and hairbrushes
on cushions and pillows and floors
while I staunchly kept the distance
safe enough for both of us
to protect the "us" from what
we would inevitably become
still, today, terrified of becoming
knowing that intimacy plus proximity
is an equation
with only one possible sum
the sum, for "us," unthinkable
and the armory against it necessary
for once exposed to reality, the "us"
composed previously of light and darkness only
must become the "us" of
dishes and dirty laundry
socks on the floor and seats left up
and have to, need to, can't you just
be QUIET...
and when you twirl my hair now
the strands that fall are silver and gold
and unnoticed and unsaved
and the "us" that I protected so fiercely
from the light and darkness of its own being
is stunted and malformed, and grows
only more misshapen with time
and I, in sorrow, weep in my corner
for the inadvertant murder of "us"
twirling and twisting my long tangles
in a mindless and heartbreaking rhythm
to which my memory dances
with the spectre of the dead.

Epiphany of the Foulest Mood Ever

"How would living in the universe differ if you recognized it as enchanted, ensouled, intelligent and responding to your needs, thoughts and ideas? How would you see people differently if you knew that was the potential you shared with them?"

Thank you, Eric Francis (www.planetwaves.net). I had forgotten.

J Street

Sunset at that place

horizon haze red and smoky

as if a great fire burns merrily

just out of sight.

I sit irreverently upon a

painted concrete table

choosing the graffiti I like the best

and crying self-conscious tears.

Couples and dogs walk the jetty

and I watch them for a reaction

sure that somehow the remnants

of cheap cigars and hesitant kisses

will affect them in some visible way

but they are amazingly oblivious.

My loss suddenly defined

and the time strangely reduced

to a scattering of events

that shared a common, but not exact, locality.

To the south, a heartbreak

To the north, a discovery

all encompassed by a well-beaten path

that I have traveled a thousand times.

But now I sit irreverently upon a

painted concrete table

that is still warm from a long-ago embrace

choosing the graffiti I like the best

and crying self-conscious tears.

Softly Determinate

How long the soul's lifetime?

I suddenly wonder

convinced was I, certain

of Death's sure release;

the truth of compulsion

revealing at random

that will nor intention

provides such relief.

My musing mind wanders

this heart to imagine

a moment of Being

not also compelled;

this Spirit's conclusion

in failure to do so:

that Love's permeation

is central to Self.

And if the soul's lifetime

extends beyond living

existing in tandem

with all things Divine,

then sweet resolution

comes holy and welcome:

compelled am I, ever -

compelled am I, Thine.

Russell's Critic

If there were words for what I'm feeling

you and I would both know.

instead, for your reference,

I paint abstract

(or impressionist, I can never remember)

self-portraits

with this blunt tool, language.

Alas, dear Bertrand,

it is the only brush I have.

Caged

Deceptive and trite is our human condition
Hopeless are we, facing prior resolve
Dreams of "forever," fueled by the longing
To lighten this load carried each to his own
Suddenly staring at lifelong confinement
Resolving adherence through vows yet unshown
Trancelike we wander: searching for freedom
The last thing we wanted when we were alone
Terminal wonder: an ill-fated scrutiny
For gilded and jeweled, folly glimmers and shines
Is Love what we seek? Or have we remembered?
We need look no further than this: yours and mine

Found

I thought, "Oh, there you are!"

The sensation immediate and physical,

but woven with dismay as well.

That moment of recognition

followed by the immediate realization

that faith had failed me

on some long-ago and unremembered day

when - still a child! - I chose

to believe not in Destiny

but in destination.

And there you were, as promised

the proof of my own negation,

pulsing with supernova velocity

through a room filled with strangers.

My being irrevocably permeated

with a terrible and exhilarating certainty

that with or without contact

the knowledge alone would change everything

that was truth - or untruth - before.

And my heart both leapt with joy

and shrieked, stricken with terror,

that your imminent and apparent existence

which filled my senses and tasted of promise

would consume me

and thus make me whole.

Math Curse

Someone I greatly enjoy recently commented, "If you're reducing your reasons to mathematics, it can't be good." And, in a sense, he's correct: sometimes it's easier to present my reasoning as a mathematical equation, as I don't waste a lot of time explaining and all the terms are known (there are very few variables in my day to day life, especially now that I'm not actively crushing). I tend to present especially hurtful decisions (and the reasoning behind them) in mathematical terms because it takes less time, it's easily understood, and it depersonalizes the whole darn situation to a point where I don't have to think about it in any terms other than how it all adds up. I suppose one could call it a stylized form of denial.

But now I wonder: what are the mathematics of daily living? Does every relationship have a ratio? Is every decision a matter of statisical probability? Are love, hate, indifference, and passion quadratic in nature? What about joy? Is there a way to calculate ecstasy so one knows it is actually ecstasy and not just pleasure cubed?

Can we calculate the impact of a first kiss as Force = attraction X anticipation? Can I measure the velocity of a hasty prayer as I pass the scene of an accident as Safety = 10 feet (65 miles per hour X a heartbeat) + 1/2 Godspeed X infinity squared? What is the childbirth quotient? Perhaps Agony X Ecstasy / Lifetime hugs and kisses? Is it the unknown variable x that makes the probability of death equation so distasteful? Or is it that probability itself can be proofed or negated in the blink of an eye? Is the smile that makes one believe in love at first sight measured in Joules or in U(potential energy)? Is an idea that hits you like a ton of bricks actually moving like: Eureka! = 9.8 m/s squared X desperation X creativity / synapse squared?

I fear the Math Curse may be more sinisterly prevalent than even Scieszka and Smith predicted!!

Crushing, Part Deux

And just like that... it's gone.

Not sure if it was something that was said... or perhaps unsaid... but it's gone. I feel empty.... and exhausted... and not a little foolish. I miss it already, the thrill of it. But there's also a sweet relief that's born of the eradication of an eternally unknown variable from an impossible equation.

In retrospect, I wonder if laying it down in words was the dealbreaker? Did I kill my own passionate crush with illuminate reality? It appears that the secret of crushing is the total lack of analysis. Once dissected, the crush reveals itself to be juvenile, silly, unrealistic... and worse.

The mask of the crushee is lifted to reveal the actuality beneath. How incredibly boring!! And...

how predictable.

E-Mail Argument Over Conservapsycho Writings

Is it me, or does the man protest too much and give up too soon????

HIM:

Go to the "Free Republic" web site. I posted a little essay I wrote there on Sunday under the philosophy heading. I came in this morning to find my first response!!!!! How cool is that?!?! I am not sure if the respondee is really smart, really dumb or just agreeing with me in a totally confusing way. I sent this to several on-line and print media options. I hope that doesn't violate any copyright laws, some of them require exclusivity (we did that once remember).

Maybe some cool, progressive editor or nationally known pundit will like my schiz-nit. It's my first real submission... so go easy. I find that the hardest part is remaining concise and not going off on inspired tangents for too long. I know you won't agree with my thoughts and I don't think I can call it philosophy -since I prefer answers and solutions- but by today's standards it might be considered genius, I don't know.

Anyway, let me know what you think. you da one wit da schoolin', right.

With a tremendous amount of luck, maybe I'll find a new career.

ME:

Wow. Your submission is certainly impassioned and, in general, well-written. I believe that the person who responded does indeed agree with the terms of your observations, but wants you to explore more fully the "causes." Post-modern philosophy tends to focus more on observation than on proposals for change - your essay has both - and is also more accepting of the writer's own feelings on the subject, so in that sense your views fit the philosophic mold. However, philosophy requires a calculus of sorts to be valid and all arguments must have "proofs." It is easy to overlook this because of the passion with which your observations are written; however, you must be sure your arguments will withstand the inevitable attacks on your logic. In this sense, you may want to temper your use of adjectives and descriptors.

Watch your punctuation!! Many of your sentences don't have any at the end, and some of the ones that do have terminal punctuation that does not coincide with the terms of the sentence. Be especially careful with "its" and "it's". The latter is not used as often as you might think, especially in terms of "possession." Remember, too, that there are two spaces, not one, before beginning a new sentence in the same paragraph.

If you had given this to me to read and edit before posting, I would have asked you to delete the entire second paragraph. Or at least rewrite it. As it is written kind of like this. Which is difficult to understand and invalidates your arguments. Many of the sentences do not have a clear subject, which leaves the reader to cast about in confusion for the reason for such passionate predication. Regardless, the second paragraph adds nothing to your essay and could easily be removed.

Many of your conclusions are assumed and therefore invalid. For example "In human conduct, duty is either accepted or shunned." Here, "Duty" is not defined. Unfortunately, though I and every reader will understand what you mean by "duty," a clear definition is necessary to substantiate your argument. As a human being and nothing more, I have no duty to anything beyond my own survival. I certainly have no responsibility to "the greater good," whatever THAT may be. Your argument here has sense but no reference, as all terms contained therein are political constructs and abstractions. Your terms must be fully defined before you can make such claims. Though it is apparent that you are speaking to a particular audience, if you want responses you must not leave yourself so open to invalidation. You can present this argument in a way that leaves nothing undefined, and I suggest that you find a way to do it as it is important later!!

Scarily, you sound almost Marxist in some of your claims, particularly in paragraph 6 ("Why here? Why now?"). You will alienate your audience in a heartbeat unless you tone it down!!

The strength of your argument and the backbone of your entire essay is finally presented in paragraph 7. I would like you to morph this out and focus on it, should you choose to continue to present your views to the world (so to speak!!). Here: "In this state of support, the liberal begins to spend the idle time he is allowed complaining about the means provided for him by another's labor. Over time these complaints (sic) morphed into a means of political and social authority." That is a beautiful assertion, and one that deserves more than you gave it. It deserves a well-presented definition and thorough investigation and self-argument.

Be careful of statements like this one: "The single qualifying quality - weakness of character - can be found...". Not all persons subscribing to a liberal view are weak of character. Some believe that they are serving the greater good no matter what you say. And some are warriors like yourself - and you know this to be true. Don't alienate these people as well, for they are the ones that may change their minds by reading a cogent argument. Statements like that one invalidate entire arguments because there is no logical calculus that supports it. Be careful!!

Another very strong argument appears in paragraph 9 ("ACLU"). "With no law higher than the individual man, all behavior will become subjective in its lawful implications and any duty to others will cease to bear import." This is beautifully stated and also bears further investigation and argument. If you had comprehensively defined "duty" in previous paragraphs, you would have a complete and cogent argument here. This is also the only kind of statement that can be made with an "all" conclusion, as it is presented in syllogistic form. Well done!!

I'm going to skip over the "Abortion" entry in my editing notes, as my reaction to your writing is not based on the writing alone. I will come back to it once I feel more objective about your statements. As you know - or should know - "selfishness" is not limited to those with a liberal bend to their personal freedoms.

Be careful again in statements regarding things that are protected by the Constitution... it is here that our Founding Fathers contradicted themselves by guaranteeing religious freedom but requiring the necessary separation of church and state. If you want prayer in your school, you must send your child to a non-public school. So sayeth our Constitution, no matter how you read it. No one is "sacrificing" their rights if there is not a moment of prayer in a public school. Everyone sacrifices their rights if there is. To even promote a voluntary "moment of prayer" in a public school classroom is unConstitutional. Of course, children are allowed to have religious groups on public school campuses, as long as it is not part of the curriculum. I'm not saying that the point isn't valid, because it is. Just be careful about how you word it. Especially now, as I agree with the person who commented that much of the attraction of liberalism is the loss of faith that many people are feeling. You can appeal to a wider audience by addressing this and incorporating it into your needs assessment.

I greatly enjoyed reading your efforts, as you write in much the same way as you make love.

My notes here assume that you would want to present your ideas to the widest audience possible, which may not actually be the case!! Before you send it anywhere else, I suggest revising, if only for punctuation. But I do believe that your writing will appeal to many, and that you may indeed find a new career!

HIM:

Geez....so thorough and so fast! You really are the scholar. Punctuation shit!! I don't think that really matters anymore, have you read some of the newspapers lately? Besides, YOU can be my proofreader when I hit the bigtime.

I know some things require greater explanation. This is what I meant when I talked about getting off on tangents. Some of my brevity is intentional to spark the exact kinds of responses you mentioned. I do have extensive reference materials to bolster most of my arguments. But I chose to explode upon the editorial map with a few basic precepts, light the fires (forgive the reference), and then fight the battles with strategy and specifics.

Thanks for the honest evaluation. Constructive criticism is a blessing from a true friend, and if I was not one of the few who understand that I might be able to make rank.

I thought about the Marxist thing too!! I was going to ask you if it sounded that way, but didn't want to invoke the self-fullfilling prophecy deal. Similar right down to the inconsistancies I should think.

not even gonna spell check..nnnnya!

ME:

How can you hit the bigtime if you don't punctuate???? I can proofread BEFORE you hit the bigtime... then after, you can pay an editor to do that menial stuff. :-)

It's easy to go off on unvectored thrust when you feel strongly about your material. And I see that you struggled with that. No worries - most people do it and it is almost expected in mainstream writing. You do well in relating most of your assertions to the topic at hand.

No one is "prohibiting the free exercise of"!!! Children enrolled in public schools are allowed to pray and express themselves religiously. And there is no law, besides the Constitution itself, which establishes how religion is to be expressed (or not). Separation is explicit, not implied, and there is no legislative body that would deign to cross that line. Which is why, thus far, no judicial body has supported the frivolous lawsuits presented on this subject. This particular portion of our Constitution is very well written and leaves little room for interpretation. And, just for the record, our Founding Fathers also assumed many of their conclusions. And we both understand what that does to the conclusions. Does it mean they were necessarily WRONG? Of course not. But it does make the theory behind the law invalid.

Congratulations on your first publishing! It is truly an amazing accomplishment and I applaud the courage that fueled it. Submission of writing is very difficult - especially to such a forum - because you are exposing your heart for any and all to slash and tear as they see fit. I hope that any comments submitted by the masses to your editorial will help you refine your arguments even more. (And for sure don't take them personally!!!)

I look forward to future efforts!

HIM:

Okay. But..if they did not want it why did they insist upon it?

Way off on the judicial stuff kiddo. 180 degrees so. Ever hear of Mt. Soledad or Mt.Helix. And there hunderds more where that comes from. This is why I write, people aren't aware of what is happening. To be aware, and to admit it's implications would require action. I don't think I want people to agree with me, in fact I prefer they don't. I just want the verification that, if our way of life is ruined, it's because we allowed it to be so. We didn't deserve it. I can live with that. You can't save evrybody, ya ken.

Will we be better off now that Christmas trees are legally forbidden in many town squares? The guy made my point for me I think. Culture encompasses governance, but if you have no discernable culture, don't be surprised when the sun of morality sets and never rises again.

ME:

I'm aware... and I admit the implications. However, Mt. Soledad is PUBLICLY protected property. I'm not "off on the judicial stuff"... I just understand the letter of the law (whether or not the spirit of the law is invoked). Do I agree with that decision? No. I prefer to exercise my own right to choose. If I could buy the protected portion of Mt. Soledad I would. If I could breathe light into the souls of those who do not recognize a symbol for a SYMBOL, I would. But I cannot change the fact that the legislation stands because of the necessary separation of the taxpayers from iconoclastic costs. That, like it or not, is the bottom line. Hateful, yes. Impractical, no.

And your first commentator is correct... the liberalist influence was ALWAYS there, so what, if anything, has really changed? Could it be that our way of life erodes because the design was flawed and never re-engineered? Or do we find that governable bodies (large groups of people in one place) NEED a set of controls that goes beyond the governance of behavior and into their very psyches? I believe that the latter is closer to the truth and that liberalism flourishes because people no longer seek the governing MORAL force of the likely community center (the church). Without something telling us what to believe and how to manifest it, we are lost microorganisms eternally searching for the radioactive charge into the positive or negative.

Neutrality - the ability to choose for oneself - is anathema to the human animal and is the "fear" that you have so comprehensively described in your essay.

You have another valid observation in the lack of discernable culture eroding the democratic effort without other outside influence. Add lawyers into the mix and the outcome is predictably sinister. It is frightening to me that new legislation seems to be predicated upon frivolous lawsuits that fundamentally undermine the spirit of justice rather than upon the clear and present needs and strengths of the society. Something else worth your time to explore philosophically, I think. Just another project for the back burner of a brilliant mind.

I'll miss the Christmas trees. But think how many more people would protest if I set up a Yule altar in the town square instead? They'd beg to have the tree back. :-)

HIM:

Okay. But..if they did not want it why did they insist upon it? (I'm just saving this line and re-re-re-pasting it now)

See "Why Here, Why Now" on why they were never allowed to propagate before. Today's "liberal" is not the "Liberal" that spawned the American and French revolutions. Our founders were, in today's terms, were either "conservatives' or "extreme conservatives". That is the evolution.

Speaking of revolutions...it won't be protesting that gets our Christmas trees back, mark it.

Of course it is the only practical way to keep order. It may not exactly be Psych 101 but it's still in the lower level courses. Hey, I don't go to church and haven't spoken to God very much lately, so it's not like I'm pullin for the holy rollers here. But it is the basis of our freedoms, the respect for fellow man and the one essential ingredient to our unprecedented sucess as a people. You could not have achieved this in a totally secular society. Hear me now, believe me later. Control.. maybe. Brainwashing...it's going to happen as long as human minds are around to submit. But whatever, change it..I'm game! Chaos should hold off until I can get to the next gun show for a few extra rounds, eh?

I agree that it is happening, and that your interpretation is widely accepted. This world. Not moved on... moving on.

ME:

Okay. But..if they did not want it why did they insist upon it? (I want to play, too!!)

I can easily interpret that sentence as equivalent to "be careful what you wish for...".

Protesting hasn't gotten ANYTHING back. Ever. The beauty of MY HOME is that I can erect a Christmas Tree AND a Yule altar. And wrap my presents in Kwanzaa paper after observing the daytime fasting of Ramadan. I can set my table for Michaelmas and light the candles on my Menorah. And no one can tell me that I have to take any of it down, or that I can't put any of it up. It is only the PUBLICLY PROTECTED places that are affected by the disease. Sure, I could fight about it. The fact is, I don't care. Let them have their sterile town square and their "holiday festival." Let them have traditions that are steeped in political correctness rather than in communion. Again, it seems to boil down to "be careful what you wish for..." - each move to protect the public from their own ability to choose further serves to isolate the individual. And, once completely isolated, chaos is upon us - as divided we must fall. Therein lies the natural and logical conclusion to the quest for "no law higher than the individual man."

I have plenty of rounds. I have rounds for guns I don't own yet. How's THAT for preparedness? But I'm pretty sure that once "chaos" arrives, I won't be needing them. Not for long, anyway. See my comments on neutrality.

It seems a fundamental flaw (speaking from philosophic terms) to augment your argument by placing the intent of the Founding Fathers into "today's terms." This is not only truly unknown, but truly impossible. And we cannot know the "evolution" because we cannot define the terms.

You already know that, on many levels, I agree with you and your assessment of our social indicators toward declination. Still, your ability and willingness to often subvert EVERY social phenom into a symptom of the disease that you've identified is troubling and smacks of the excess you yourself warn against as an indicator of decline. I don't argue with you because I don't believe that you are trying to do the right thing, I only argue that occasionally the terms need definition and the passion needs balance. I respect the courage it takes to "stick your neck out," as it were; especially given the nature of your statements. Again, the role of the philosopher is the quest for knowledge through objective observation. Without this objectivity, the argument fails into a "he said, she said." My comments are not personal attacks against the things you believe, only attempts to allow you to hone your position into the rapier-like logical calculus it could easily be.

I dare (double DOG dare!!) you to refine your presentation and send it to a forum that is not already labeled as Conservative. Yes, you open yourself up to attack by those waving their banner with the same zeal that you wave yours; you also have a chance to learn every argument that can be presented and find a way to refute each one. This is the dialogue that philosophers open in their quests for the truth... of course, that is only my opinion!!

HIM:

Okay. Sounds Good. That's enough for me. Like I said I really don't want to convince anyone of anything. And I certainly don't want to debate other people or hear their opinions. The only thing more tedious than reading other peoples responses is responding to them. Whoa, that was pretty cool! If that is an original quote you can't use it..it's mine. Isn't overbearing arrogance a must in this field?

Hinoeuma

"Fire horse woman,"
he spat with venom,
"You live up to your legacy."
"They should've stuck with tradition
and killed you at birth."

Stinging and stunned

by the force of it,

I saw the hopelessness

of his expression and knew then

prophecy's truth.

Who am I but I?

Twilight my time,

and chaos my restless soul;

He promised his own destruction

by choosing to love.

Helpless resignation

in his eyes and heart,

his anger the last weapon

he'll ever hope to brandish:

Who am I but I?

Hokey Autobiographical Haiku

His eyes were helpless

and broken as he said it,

"Please, you must leave now."

Intrigue

Spying on a loved one is a nasty business. Even nastier when you happen to find what you were hoping you weren't looking for. Nastiest when you find that you're the one being spied upon.

Seems like everything I post has something to do with a trust issue, no?

This time, it's not my issue. This time it has absolutely nothing to do with me, besides that I happen to be the recipient of random phone calls (which I don't answer) from a former significant other. All the information I have regarding this situation comes from voicemail messages and the occasional "wrong number." Today's information reveals that my former significant other's current significant other isn't too happy about the number of calls made to my number. As a matter of fact, she's evidently hired someone to spy me (and him, I'm guessing) out. Nothing to see here, folks... but I resent the implication.

But here's the real question: why not just call me and actually speak to me rather than pretend it's a wrong number? Why not confront me personally and find out what the scoop is? Is it because she would rather have the drama of constant accusations at home (thereby forcing my ex to continually "prove" his love to her by professing his innocence or whatever it is he does to make excuses for calling my number twice a week), or is it because she fears what I might say? In reality, this isn't about me at all - does she fear a confrontation with me because I might verify what she's known all along: that her relationship is failing because her significant other is a psychotic, not because he's involved with another woman?

I won't get to tell her in person, but I'll tell her here:

I'm no threat to you. If I wanted your man, I'd take him. You know I can, and that's why we're having this issue. You know I've always been able to, and that's why you are constantly suspicious. But why not let the past eight years be your guide? I don't want him; if I did he'd be with me and you know it. I don't talk to him, ever; the only time I see him is if he finds a way to sneak up on me and then it lasts only as long as it takes me to vacate the area. If I wanted to sabotage your relationship, I'd do it and I would make sure it was done. And I sure as hell wouldn't wait eight years. If you've already accepted the fact that he's a psychopath and you love him and want to be with him anyway, consider this: you're sabotaging your own relationship with your suspicion and accusations, valid or not. Consider this as well: what are you willing to sacrifice? Are you willing to give up your fear, your last defense? Does your gut tell you that I am the enemy, or is your nemesis closer? There may be a threat, girlfriend, but it is not I.

Crushing

A crush is an amazing thing. A crush can make a work day more productive, turn a trip to the Post Office into an erotic adventure, and transform a tedious college class into a thrilling joyride. Crushing is the most fun a girl can have with her clothes on, hands down. Well, almost.

Having a crush is like having an imaginary boyfriend... and because he's imaginary, he can be anything I want. Let's face it: having a crush is exciting. It's passionate. It's bittersweet. It's a mysterious secret. It's all the things that I miss in my everyday rush-around life. Crushing is clean, healthy, silly-human-tricks fun.

Aye, the rub: Not sure how it happened, but what started as a bona-fide, worthy-of-a-teenager crush suddenly came out of the closet and announced itself as full-blown and undeniable desire. And hot on its heels came an inner conflict the likes of which I've never felt before.

The thing about a crush is that the object of crushing (that's a technical term) is untouchable. That's why they're crushes and not lovers. A crush is purely selfish: a way to possess something that otherwise, by his very nature, could not be possessed. Crushing, by definition, is completely one-sided. It is a one-dimensional relationship that requires no effort to maintain and no emotional investment to gum up the works. It's easily conjured and just as easily banished. Once a crush has served its purpose, it usually fades just as quickly as it materialized.

My once-innocent crush has morphed into something almost unrecognizable and wholly alien to me. No longer the selfish and one-sided fantasy, it has pronounced its intent to take up what might be permanent residence in my psyche. Yes, it remains passionate and exciting and bittersweet and mysterious... but emerging from the crush's silken chrysalis is a new and powerful need which appears to manifest as a singular unwillingness to allow the crushing untouchability (also a technical term) to remain the status quo. Desire is the new name of the game... and it speaks its truth in a low and thready pulse, demanding attention and action and - God help me - reciprocity.

I know that this new and troubling sensation is not just a crush escalation (soon I'll need a Glossary) because my crush is no longer just a reason to get up and go to work. It's no longer a steamy mastubatory fantasy. It's a tangible, real desire that owes very little of its passion to the sexual and is driven by more than the force of I want. Oh, make no mistake... the sexual side is there, and it bites and snarls and claws at me; I want to touch and taste, to shriek and cry, to breathe his scent while his sweat drips onto my face and his essence fills me. I want to pour the electric blue light of my untethered soul into his blood and set him free.

But... so much more than that... I want to ease his pain, soothe his spirit, and calm his mind. I want to lay my hands on his skin and slide the nervousness, the tension, the sheer weight of the life he's chosen out of his body and away from his consciousness. I want to be a confidante, a trusted compatriot, a rock in the rushing whitewater river of his daily living. I want to be able to stand both inside and outside of his life, the twilight and predawn of all his days.

But all of that could still be a crush, right? Silly musings from some preadolescent daydream?

The difference: I want him to want me to. And he won't. So I can't. And while I mourn the lost simplicity of the crush that was, I'll revel, too, in the knowledge that even at this late stage of the life-game...
I can feel something totally new.

Open Letter to My Really Stupid Friend

I have believed in you, forgiven you, protected you and your family with every bit of cunning I possess, and have loved you throughout. I have offered you loyalty and unconditional regard. I have valued you as an entity outside of myself and have cherished you as the kindred spirit within. I have given freely of myself, without question or reserve. I have been accountable for my actions whenever they affected you and have endeavored to limit the impact of any unpleasantness associated with time we’ve spent together or apart. I’ve accepted responsibility for wrongdoing and have apologized for inadvertently inflicted pain. I’ve given my time, my effort, my love, and my power: without expectation of reciprocation and without reserve. I have called you “friend” and have treated you accordingly. I have asked for only one thing in return.

Over the course of our association, you have taught me with words and actions that you do not find me valuable enough to trust that I will love you for who you ARE. You have shown me that our relationship is transient and meaningless by denying me the pleasure of knowing you without your camouflage. Though we have often discussed the importance of trust – that faith being the very foundation of ANY relationship – you have consistently refused to allow me to act in a capacity other than “suspect.” Though my allegiance transcends any corporeal activity or temporary association, you have flatly refused to grant me the one thing – ONE THING – I have asked of you: the knowledge necessary to make informed decisions regarding my health, my heart, and the well-being of my psyche. In good faith – in TRUST - I stupidly allowed you to compromise the values I hold most dear, and now find myself heartbroken over my own gullibility and misplaced confidence. I am bereft; and though I thought I could recover and “step back” as I have done so many times before, I find that this time the abyss between what I desire and what I have cannot be bridged. I want more from you. I want more FOR you.

This is not a judgment; I am hardly in a position to make judgments of any kind and would not choose to do so if I were. What’s done is done. And, to give your generous heart the credit it deserves, I do think that you’ve done some of what you’ve done to be kind to me. I believe you think that you’re protecting me from the uglier side of you. But I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’m your friend no matter what – for God’s sake I’ve proven it over and over again - and you can’t be ugly enough, mean enough, nasty enough, drunk enough, faithless enough, deceitful enough, disgusting enough, or pissy enough to run me off. You invited me into your life and asked me to love you. Here I am. Here shall I be. I love you and that will never change.

I have protected you, sometimes at great personal cost (naturally I don’t expect you to understand what that means – only more to the point). I’m sick at heart because I contributed to your current situation, attempting with every resource I have to guarantee your safety along with my own, and have been rewarded with the LEAST that you can give. I watch you bend over backward for those who would rather see you lose everything for their own gain and wonder how much of the sacrifice you really understand? I refused to be selfish… refused to demand equilateral consideration… refused to put myself or you in a position where either would have to lie. And I look at what you have currently wrought and wonder why I put so much effort into it? I have taken your WHOLE LIFE into consideration and I have been repaid with lies, contempt, and condescension. And though I’m obviously fairly close to last on your list of priorities (and how can I be surprised? ‘Twas I who placed myself there), I deserve better. I AM better. Which brings me to the purpose of this letter:

Though the first page might belie it, I’m not writing this to further accuse you or attempt to elicit a guilt response from you. I don’t want to hurt your feelings and I don’t want to change your mind. I’ve laid all that out only because I want you to understand how your actions impact others – even when it might appear that those others are not impacted at all. My association with you has changed my life, and I am grateful (in more ways than I can ever relate and to a degree that I could never explain) for all you have given to me. But – how do I explain??? – spending time with you used to make me feel so necessary. Now even being in your proximity feels shameful, sad, and contrite. Make no mistake… I still want you in my life and probably always will – your adventurous spirit and fundamental courage are beautiful to me. But I KNOW you don’t need me. I KNOW that you currently continue our association only because you fear what I know and what I’ll do with it. I KNOW you would feel relieved if I –and all my expectations – disappeared. And I KNOW that living up to MY expectations is something that you have not been – and won’t be – willing to do. I refuse to compete for your attention and I can’t offer you the time, space, or material rewards that others provide so profusely. It was a beautiful thing when I believed myself valued by you… but my sick hope that you would learn to choose better for yourself and my tragic denial of the fact that you haven't ends here.

Now, it’s possible that I’m wrong and you really do love me and really do want to keep me in this capacity in your life. It’s possible that you are not blowing sunshine up my skirt and are really trying to fix what’s broken in all aspects of your situation. It’s possible that you feel about me the same way I feel about you. It’s possible that you’re just trying to make me happy and are too sweet to tell me that you really only wanted the challenge of what-might-have-been and now that there’s no option it’s boring as hell. It’s possible that you hate my guts and keep me around only because I may be able to do something for you in the future. At this point, after all these years, I’m really sad to say that I’ve allowed myself to be deceived so badly that I have no idea what’s going on in your head. Still, here’s the problem: I love you and can’t imagine a day in my life without you in it. But I can’t allow this to hurt me - or the others I love who also love you - anymore because it’s really starting to affect my life. So I have no choice but to ask you to help me find a new place in your life that doesn’t involve being heartbroken every time I know you’re lying to me. I’m hoping there’s a new day dawning and I’m hoping that it will bring a relationship where I don’t need to ask so many questions to keep my sanity and you don’t EVER feel like you have to have to lie. You can start this new, “no lying” phase of our relationship by telling me whether or not you and I really have a true friendship and, if we do, what we are going to do to keep it alive. I’m ready to go to the next level, whatever that may be. Are you?