Today's Letter to MSU - Futile or Fertile? We Shall See.

It’s been bugging me today, so I’m writing to get it off my chest.

Last night, you accused me of being mad at your request to help clean up because my game “was more important.” I said that wasn’t true. Instead of asking me what I WAS mad about, you just kept on in the same vein, each accusation more ludicrous than the last. In reality, it doesn’t really matter because what I was –am – mad about wouldn’t have been an appropriate topic for discussion at the time.

The fact is, you and I have very different priorities. And there are some situations which bring those differences to the forefront. Last night was one of those times.

You wanted me to help you clean up – NOW! – because it was “stressing you out” that Isabeau’s advisor was coming over to the house. The last time you yelled at me – yes, yelled at me – because you were ‘stressed out” was because Church was at our house and you wanted things picked up. You get “stressed out” over people coming into our house and seeing a mess. *I’m* not stressed out about it, but *you* are. In your mind (it appears), it’s an emergency and in your mind (it appears) I’m obligated to help you with it. I disagree with this concept in general, but if you’ll remember, every time you’ve “stressed out” about such a situation, I have helped you deal with it. NOW, just like you expected. You “stress out” about how our house appears to outsiders. You expect me to deal with the situation as well as deal with your stress. And I can’t think of a time when I haven’t, even when it wasn’t convenient or important to me.

In contrast, I was “stressing out” because the washing machine was broken. I was “stressing out” and asking you to call every day for a week. That’s how long it took you to respond to something that was “stressing” ME out.

More to the point, for 20 years – longer! – I’ve been telling you that drinking and driving/riding “stresses me out.” I’ve been telling you that every time you do that, you CONSCIOUSLY place our family in jeopardy. Every time you get fucked up and decide it’s okay for you to ride home, you are EXPLICITLY demonstrating that you don’t give a rat’s ass if you lose your job, if we lose our house, if you lose your marriage, if you lose your life or God forbid take someone else’s. Every time you fail to moderate your own behavior in this regard you tell me that YOU DON’T CARE about me, our family, or our well-being. Knowing this, knowing that you don’t care REALLY “stresses me out.” The worst part is that you KNOW how I feel about this but don’t think it’s important enough to respond to. And when you freak out over a stranger making some sort of arbitrary judgment about the state of our home, I have to suppress a choking fury because you’ve made it so obviously clear that you don’t really care about our home AT ALL. If you did, you wouldn’t consciously choose to put it in jeopardy every fucking weekend.

Strangely enough, you also know that your penchant for lying also “stresses me out,” but this is yet another thing that apparently isn’t a priority for you. You demand that I respond instantaneously to the things that ‘stress you out,” but when it comes to our own trust issues – the very foundation of our marriage! – you’re pretty cavalier about it. Not only have you abjectly refused to address this “stressor,” you actually had the gall to look surprised and even hurt when I noted that it’s easy to be suspicious of you because you haven’t been honest with me about certain things through the entirety of our relationship. Honestly, John… what did you THINK would happen? You didn’t honestly think that constant lying would encourage trust and faith in our relationship, did you? You couldn’t have… because I’ve been telling you differently for, again, over 20 years. So the obvious answer to why you haven’t given a second thought to something you KNOW “stresses me out” over the long term is that you just…don’t… care.

Enter the money situation… something that’s been “stressing me out” since we shifted the responsibility for the finances over to me and has most especially been “stressing me out” for the past year. Try to imagine, given our current circumstances, how “stressful” it must be to budget things so carefully – months in advance – and to be constantly robbing Peter to pay Paul just to get by. Now try to imagine how part of that careful budgeting is your Club dues and other such expenses. Now, imagine how stressful it is to hand these funds over to you – with the express intent that they will be used to pay for these Club expenses – only to be asked for the same amount of money a week later because SOMEHOW the money you were given SPECIFICALLY for that purpose wasn’t USED for that purpose. And finally, imagine how “stressful” it is to hear that you don’t even KNOW where the money went. Not only did you not apply it toward the purpose for which it was budgeted… not only do you now demand more money that has to be taken from something else… but you cannot even offer an accounting of what you did with those funds, hoarded oh-so-carefully, that were intended for an activity that ONLY YOU benefit from. For the coup-de-grace, imagine now how “stressful” it is to listen to you get angry at ME when you can’t account for the money you were given. Imagine how “stressful” it was to hear you state that being given a “budget” that you were responsible for and that all your expenses would come out of was somehow “emasculating” while I’m taking money from other obligations because you can’t seem to meet your responsibilities even when you’re given money EXPRESSLY for that purpose. You KNOW this “stresses me out.” Yet, you refuse to respond.

Perhaps the most tragic – and most telling – of all these “stressors” is your constant harping on me to change our sex life. For some reason, you aren’t able to put the pieces of the puzzle together: I KNOW that you don’t give any kind of priority to me, our family, or our home (as evidenced by your continued irresponsibility with regard to alcohol and money and also by your lackadaisical approach to household problems) and I KNOW that you won’t keep me safe (as evidenced both by the aforementioned irresponsibility and by your refusal to be honest with me), but I am still EXPECTED to give you the kind of intimacy you have in NO WAY earned. You want orgasms from me? Try trust first. You want intimacy from me? Try keeping me safe, try keeping your promises, try putting your FAMILY first instead of just giving us lip service.

You wonder why we have trust issues? This is why. If you’ve wondered why I get angry at being expected to hurry up and respond to your housecleaning emergencies, this is why. If you wonder if it’s fixable, yes it is – with conscious effort. If you wonder why I still stand by you when you refuse to keep me safe, it’s because I love you and know your potential even when you don’t.