I don't know what "normal" people feel like. And until now, I didn't know that I didn't know.
I'm committed to this process of therapy, and have been medicated for about two months now. I've never been one to enjoy "labels," as they always seem like excuses to me. Sure, I was a severely abused child, but I'm not going to use that as an excuse. Sure, I've known that I'm as PTSD as the day is long, but I'm not gonna use that as an excuse either. And now that I've been diagnosed as Bi-Polar (type II) as well, I'm stuck in a place that almost forces me to re-define myself, my behavior, my whole existence. I don't want to use this as an excuse either... but it certainly makes a whole bunch of stuff in my life make a whole bunch more sense.
Before medication, I didn't know how much of my life was spent in an all-consuming anxiety that was positively debilitating. I didn't know I was debilitated. Before medication, I didn't know that most people ("normal" people) feel pretty good about themselves on a daily basis, and that most people don't beat themselves up in a constant internal litany of self-loathing. And of course, I didn't know that's what I was doing to myself. Before medication, I didn't know what "normal" felt like. I only knew what "normal for ME" felt like. And "normal" feels pretty good and pretty scary all at the same time.
Two days ago, MSU told me he misses me being "crazy." I'm still not sure what that means. But *I* don't miss being crazy. I don't miss waking up every morning wanting to cut my throat. I don't miss spending an hour every morning before work puking my guts out. I don't miss that internal litany of self-loathing. I don't miss that debilitating anxiety.
I'm not going to label myself as "bi-polar" and use it as an excuse for choices I am still responsible for. But I AM going to fully enjoy better living through chemical intervention. I might decide "normal" is boring after a while... but right now...
It's GRAND.
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3 comments:
Fantastic!!!
I can honestly say, as someone who's been through years of self-loathing and anxiety, that starting down the road of medicated help is pretty swell.
It's hard when you start thinking too deeply about it because you don't want your "normal" state to be a medicated-state, but it REALLY gives you the ability to find out what normal is, and to take the feeling for a test drive!
More power to you!!
I almost called you instead of typing this out. Just know, if you ever need an ear, I'm here for you. Call me (or text me!), day or night.
I love the fact that you're committed to therapy, and that it seems to be working for you - and I love you!
*hug*
Jen said it best "Fantastic!!!"
Even medicated, the world is a much better place with you in it...take care my friend! Lot's of Love, Steve
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