I Guess I'm Crazy... Crazy for Feeling so Lonely

I'm moved out and living securely in my own little place. But I'm hardly alone, as MSU has been over to my house every night since I left except one. And I've been over to his house (formerly known as OUR house) every night to take care of details, see my daughter, and realize MSU's expectation that I continue to know his existence is irrevocably connected to my own and listen to more of his lies and excuses.

The hardest part about being a certifed co-dependent is learning to let go of that all-consuming need to control everything and being absolutely certain that I can. The second hardest part is learning how to stop using the concepts of Pity and Love interchangeably. The third most difficult is ameliorating that signature hypervigilance... but that one will have to wait.

And even though I KNOW this is the right thing - at least for now and likely for forever - I am struggling. My fear of abadonment (yes, I know I'm the one who left) and my fear of being "replaced" is consuming, almost as though I don't want MSU to be happy. Cognitively forefront, of course that's what I want. In my secret and often black heart, I want him to be anything but. I want him to be so very bereft that he is forced to see how needy he is, how emotionally unavailable he is, how addicted he is, and how much of our relationship was just old childhood tapes being played over and over again. I want him to commit to positive change.

But he knew the consequences of that continued behavior, and refused to make those changes for over a year after I issued the ultimatum. His fear of my last-minute cancellation of my suicide plan faded quickly and was overtaken by his natural, unheeding and uncaring, state. Every single time he's said "I don't want this" over the past couple of months, I've asked him the same question: "No? What did you think was going to happen?" Because I'd never before, in my entire life, issued an ultimatum. Why on Earth would he think that I wouldn't follow through? That I meant what I said? That instead of ending my life, I've chosen to change it (as hard as it is and will be)?

Because he doesn't CARE. That's why. All he cares about is himself. The hallmark of our entire marriage is these three constants: the drinking, the lying, and his penchant to say one thing but do another. Activities (or behaviors, if you will) that benefit only him and are devastating to the rest of us.

So here I am, recognizing my own dysfunction and feeling oh-so-powerlesss to change it... but still willing and able to try. Here I am, knowing that I was attracted to this relationship because it was a familiar situation to me, a relationship in which I knew "how to act" according to the survival tools of my youth. Here I am, left ot my own devices, without any guidance, and not really knowing what a healthy, sharing, loving relationship IS. And if I let go of my survival skills, erase those old tapes and start anew... well, how will I survive????? How will I know how to act?? How can avoid toxic relationships in the future? And what can I do to help MSU? (Ah, there it is again! The answer to that is: NOTHING!)

These and many other mysteries will be solved in therapy. I hope.

In the meantime, all I can do is stick to my guns no matter how sad, how lonely, and how out-of-control I feel. All I can do is take my meds and try to act as normal as I know how. And most importantly, I mustmustmust learn to say no to MSU. No, you can't come over. No, I won't have sex with you out of compassion (read pity). No, I won't stay the night (and for God's sake I won't let him manipulate me with how "good it will be for Izzy if you're here in the morning'), and no, I am not going to sacrifice these things that I know are RIGHT just so he can feel better about where he is in this sad and pathetic life: Still making excuses. Still lying to cover up his behavior. Still saying one thing and turning around and doing the opposite. Still drinking (and riding/driving). Still acting like a 15-year-old in a 54-year-old's body. But I won't be there to keep pulling the bottom out from under him so he can sink even lower. I won't be there to pick up the pieces. The only thing I'll be there to do is pick up my daughter when he drops the ball over and over again while still expecting to stay on the varsity team.

As I posted on FaceBook this morning, I've learned that bi-polar disorder and co-dependency is a lethal life combination. Stay tuned while I claw my way out of this grave, barely breathing, to that pinpoint of light I see through the mud and roots and rot. I am tired but still digging.