Hidden

It's been several weeks since I've posted, in general because I've been less-than-inspired. The heat and humditiy have been oppressive, and I have done little except lay on the floor under the fan and try to avoid being stepped on by the dogs.

But today I was once again slapped in the face with the reality of caginess. I've tried to think of antoher word for what I mean, but cagey is what I keep coming back to, though I teasingly call one of the people I know who has mastered the art of demonstrating it in the most frustrating manner possible "obtuse." But don't misunderstand! The reality is that he's anything but dense, stupid, or thickheaded. He's... cagey. And the question that constantly occurs to me is: Why?

Why do people spend so much time and effort hiding? If we fail to acknowledge something within ourselves, does that make it go away? Does ignoring a feeling, situation, or dilemma somehow make it disappear? And why do those of us who have the gift of self-awareness all too often hide our insight from others, as if our humanity is somehow more fragile and vulnerable than everyone else's?

A rather tragic and confusing situation comes to mind to demonstrate:

As we all know, first-time sexual encounters can be a bit challenging and awkward, so after the age of twenty-five or so, no one expects the first time with a new partner to be mind-blowing. Good sex takes practice, and that's part of the fun. Agreed?? Keeping this simple concept in mind, we continue....

During one such encounter with someone significantly older than myself, I noticed that he spent an inordinate amount of time - especially for a first encounter - performing orally on me. Though I wasn't complaining, I'm more of a "rough and tumble" type, so after about 20 minutes I was getting a bit bored. As I moved him into a position more to my liking, I noticed that he was not demonstrating any physical manifestation of the arousal he was very obviously feeling. Which continued to be the state of affairs despite all efforts - even some of the more advanced ones - to reverse the trend. This was a first for me: though I've dealt with occasional dysfunction due to fatigue or alcohol consumption (which was my first assumption in this case), I've never met anyone so far in denial that they actually continued on as if the opposite was the case.

Was his consistent state of semi-flaccidity a problem? Of course not, unless I was sure that I was going to die the next day and this would be my last hurrah, which I wasn't. The problem was that he refused to acknowledge it, and thus did not allow me to acknowledge it in any socially acceptable way. It was like being assaulted with a dishrag. And he kept saying things like "I'm holding it back, baby," and "don't make me come too soon," and he was clamping my legs so tightly together (presumably to keep me from noticing that he was nowhere near fucking me or even approaching a point wherein he would be able to) that I couldn't even move and after about an hour of this it was all I could do not to shout, "God, just STOP already!! This is not going to happen tonight!!! Let's go watch a movie and try again tomorrow before we've had seventeen beers apiece, okay????"" It was the weirdest sex of my life and has yet to be topped... and all because he was trying to be cagey. Wouldn't it have been easier to just fall asleep and try in the morning? Wouldn't it have been more intimate to laugh about how many drinks we had and play a game of nude gin rummy?

Granted, this is an extreme example, because it's tough to be cagey about a situation that anyone can see is not the way it's being portrayed to be. But, the question remains: Why???

Certainly acting in a cagey manner is a way to avoid honesty. But someone with whom I was discussing this concept insightfully pointed out that acting cagily (here I go making up words again) might be a way to avoid blatant dishonesty as well. But it does seem that in both cases, acting cagily means that the cagey one has an agenda that the asking party 1) doesn't know of, and 2) wouldn't support if they did, and 3) would probably be hurt by? In the situation that comes to mind and, indeed, spawned this blog topic, perhaps the cagey person is avoiding blatant honesty (and blatant dishonesty) because they have not yet used me to what they believe is my full potential for being used?

That's what it comes down to, doesn't it? Being cagey is a way to ensure that the person you're using - for whatever purpose - will continue to allow you to use them until they are all used up. Being cagey will ensure that the person being led down the Primrose Path doesn't have enough information to make a decision to protect themselves, but has enough information to - no doubt wrongfully - believe that there is a win-win future in the association.

So, it seems that when we encounter caginess, we really do have enough information to make the decision that needs to be made: go no further down the Primrose Path. Anyone who is expending that amount of energy attempting to avoid dishonesty is probably spending the same amount of energy in attempts to avoid honesty as well. Yes, you guessed it - once again it comes down to an issue of trust.