Mutual Underappreciation

My body doesn't like me today. Frankly, the feeling is mutual.

In general, I think I'm doing pretty well for a 40-year-old with two kids and a rather sordid lifestyle. My body has always been strong, fairly attractive, and quite resilient. It has processed horrors untold and heartaches unnumbered, and has bounced back every time. I have enjoyed my body thoroughly and am grateful for its innate power and superior protoplasm.

But... today is different. And I am hard-pressed to explain why I could look in the mirror yesterday and think "hot older woman" and look in the exact same mirror today and think "baggy old hag." Is it my body that's different? Or is it my (dare I say it?) perspective? And - Goddess help me!! - whcih perspective is the right one?? Which perspective more accurately reflects reality??

So, in the interest of science, I asked a trusted person whom I suspected - yes, only suspected - wouldn't lie to me. Here is an abridged transcript of the conversation:

Me: What do you think of my body? BE HONEST!

Trusted Soul: It's hot, but you have too many tattoos.

Me: Would anyone else say it's hot? Or is that a completely subjective assessment?

Trusted Soul: With minor variations, I think anyone would say so. Why?

Me: Because I've found that I can't mediate my own self-image and need outside input to try to figure out what my body actually looks like. Sorry if the question made you uncomfortable.

Trusted Soul: Whatever.

Me: Thanks. Anything else I should know?

Trusted Soul: Your ass sags down the ground, you old hag. I wouldn't fuck you with my dog's dick.
(okay, Trusted Soul did not actually say this. Trusted Soul said that I need more padding in the rear, and qualified it to his personal taste. But I knew what he meant.)

Me: I'll be doing more squats from now on!

Trusted Soul: That's the spirit!

Me: Fuck you, cowboy!!
(Okay, I didn't actually say that. How could I? I'm the dumbshit who ASKED. I actually said):
Me: Not sure if I feel better, but I am certainly more informed!!

Trusted Soul: Sorry I didn't sugar-coat it.

Me: I asked you because I knew you wouldn't. (What was I thinking here, I wonder???)

Well, it does seem that my experiment proved that today's body perspective is not the norm or the assessment that most accurately reflects reality. It would seem - of course, only from one conversation and one opinion other than my own - that my body's hatred of me today is a passing phase and not the actual state of affairs conveniently denied on a daily basis. I've also learned that my own assessment of "problem areas" seems to reflect reality - or at least the assessments of others.

Did I feel better? Hell freaking no. So - again in the interest of science - I sought alternate input from someone I suspected - yes, only suspected - would lie to me. The transcript of the conversation follows, abridged and seriously edited for content:

Me: Pretend you're talking to one of your friends about my body. What would you say?

Favorite Player: I'm not going to tell you that. (Truth!!)

Me: Okay, then just tell me what you think of my body and be brutally honest.

Favorite Player: I fantasize about you when I masturbate. All the time. (Lie!!!!)

Me: Um, riiight. But that doesn't answer my question.

Favorite Player: You're perfect. You're the sexiest woman I know. Your ass is amazing. I'm hard right now just thinking about you. (Lie!!!)

Me: And that's it? Would you change anything about me if you could?

Favorite Player: Yeah, I'd make you stop saying "no." (Truth!!)

I knew he was lying. In part because he wanted me to stop sounding so unlike myself, partly because he was trying to be nice, and mostly because he's an opportunist and thought he might have found a viable chink in the armor. I knew that nothing he said changed the blatant truth discovered on my own and in my previous conversation regarding the same question, nothing he observed reflected the reality of my body image any more than my changing moods... but did I feel better?

Hella yeah, I did. So, now - on top of my current body crisis!! - I have to admit to myself that I really just wanted someone to tell me what I wanted to hear. And I wanted to hear that the current crisis requires no action on my part, no acknowledgement of the way time and self-abuse is marching steadily across my physical landscape. Alas, even through the haze of self-satisfaction that only being comprehensively lied to can produce, I realize that it's time to become serious about taking care of my body.

It's been taking care of me all this time. No wonder it's pissed!