Day 5

The worst part is over. The worst part is over. The worst part is OVER.

Isn't it?

I stopped smoking - cold turkey - on Thanksgiving. People have mentioned that I have now proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am a complete lunatic, as only a lunatic would attempt such a feat during a holiday weekend. And, while it's true that there's a certain measure of madness to this method, I chose the long holiday weekend for a reason: 24/7 supervision.

For the first four days, I was cursed/blessed to have either my disapproving husband or my tattletelling kids with me at all times. If a spare moment suddenly appeared out of thin air, no way could I have diverted to the nearest tobacconist: the guilt would have been too much to bear. The kids have been perfecting their long-suffering wounded stares in the mirror for weeks now. I couldn't stand the thought of giving them a chance to use them.

Bottom line: I know enough about myself to know that I needed the extra support of being under constant surveillance.

Today - Day 5!! - was the first day as a non-smoker at work. There's a 7-11 within walking distance and there isn't a single person in the building who could give a rat's ass if I quit smoking or died coughing on the stairs. And when I needed to escape for a minute, I didn't know what to do with myself... I ended up hoofing it up and down the stairs for 10 minutes or so. Today was definitely the toughest day yet, mostly because there was no one to stare mournfully at me if I fell off the wagon.

Here's the funny thing about giving up the smoking habit: no one cuts me any slack. If I were quitting heroin, I'd have 6 weeks off of work and when I stuttered so badly while trying to complete a sentence that I eventually just gave up and walked away, people would understand because it's withdrawal, for Heaven's sake! Ditto alcohol. If I were addicted to alcohol instead of tobacco, I'd be able to get financial help from my employer for a residential treatment facility and 6 weeks off to kick the habit. Instead, I try to explain my shaking hands and stunted thought processes by saying, "Sorry, I've quit smoking and am struggling a bit today," and people just look at me with their eyes squinted and their foreheads creased up like... So??????????

Day 5: successfully navigated like the four days before it. The worst part is over.