Word Vomit

It has long been known to me that my mouth often operates on unvectored thrust.

Trust me, I've been attentive to it... I learned early that my inside voice very rarely will find validation if it finds the doorway to the outside. I practice self-control: counting to ten before responding, thinking twice about my first reaction, asking a question instead of making a statement, etc., etc., etc.

Some days are better than others.

My eldest daughter announced that she is engaged. I knew about it before it was announced, of course, because her now-fiancee and long-time "significant other" telephoned my husband and asked for his daughter's hand. My husband, in turn, telephoned me to share the news. My first thought (then unspoken): How am I going to produce $40,000.00 for this glorious event within the space of a year?

A shitty first thought. I know.

I'm preoccupied with financial concerns at the moment because there are a helluva lot more concerns than there are finances. I've got my mind on my money and my money on my mind because it's time to pay property taxes... my husband has threatened that he's coming home within the space of a few weeks and will need to ship his household and the car... our financial outlook is bleak at best because of the months spent maintaining two households in the two highest housing markets in the United States and I already know it will take us years to recover from this little experiment in seperation... I've made some questionable financial decisions over the past eighteen months that are currently coming back to haunt me... and hooray!! The holidays are right around the corner!!!

So, when my daughter called to share her momentous news, I said, "That's great, sweetheart!! Have you decided on a day??"

She replied, "I'm still trying to get used to the idea! Why? Do I need to know the date already?"

And I said,

(wait for it)

"Well, am I expected to pay for it?"

(yes, that's what I said.)

Of course, I was rewarded with dead silence on the other end. Not for long, but certainly long enough to know that my inside voice had escaped again. She covered it well, and composed herself almost immediately. But I knew.

Even I probably couldn't have ruined her big day. But I sure put a big fucking dent in it, didn't I??

But worse than that is the fact that what came out of my mouth reflected nothing even close to what I meant or was thinking. OF COURSE I'm going to pay for it!! OF COURSE she can expect that I will, insofar as I can.

What I meant was: How long do I have to prepare?? But even that would have been a question in bad taste for the moment.

She called me on it today, told me that I had hurt her feelings and that she did not expect us to pay for anything. I agreed that my comment was in poor taste and apologized. I thanked her for bringing it to my attention and explained why such a horrible thing would come out of my mouth in the first place.

I don't think either of us felt any better.

Word vomit. It's a curse. Or a blessing, if one's goal is to systematically alienate the entire human race.