As a fellow blogger commented, "Epiphany is easy. Follow-up is hard."
I've been doing very well in my efforts to re-empower my husband and help him feel more like a man and less like one of the children. And it really has paid off, in numerous and unpredicatable ways. The most obvious: he's just nicer to be around when he feels good about himself. The house is much less tense and much more harmonious, even though I remain in Novice Mode.
Today, however, I had another relapse. Probably the worst one yet.
We currently have six - yes, six - vehicles registered and insured. A few of them are paid off, others we are making payments on. Three motorcycles, two cars, and one truck (which currently is mouldering in the driveway and leaking noxious fluid into my rose bed because its movie debut resulted in valve damage). We've recently put a lot of money into my husband's VN2000 Rogue, and took it into the shop yet again today because it has developed a mysterious fluid leak. We have parts on order for the Rogue that haven't appeared yet. I just re-registered it a month ago. As little as two weeks ago, he swore the Rogue would be his last motorcycle because he "loves it so much." The Rogue was, at its unveiling, the largest and most powerful production motorcycle made, offering 2053cc of displacement. Currently, there is only one other production motorcycle offered that has more displacement. We still owe about $7000 on it.
Hubby and I rode to the shop together, dropped off the Rogue, and then both hopped on my Strat to go home, via the local Harley-Davidson dealer because there is always fun stuff going on there on the weekends. Little did I know there was an ulterior motive.
After hanging out at the Harley dealership for awhile, talking with folks and checking out the bikes (they all look the same to me: ridiculously expensive), we rode home. We settled in the backyard, lit up some cigars, and I dug out the laptop to pay some bills online while we smoked and relaxed. A few minutes later, my husband announced, "I think I'll see if Steve (our son) wants to buy the Rogue."
WTF??? I thought. Okay, I thought it aloud. Welcome to my relapse.
Hubby then proceeded to tell me that he wants to buy an UltraGlide. Now. Those of you who aren't familiar with the Ultra, they cost about $30,000+ with all the bells and whistles, and start at about $25,000 for a basic model.
Some history: we've just refinanced our mortgage and are now "mortgaged to the teeth." Our eldest daughter's wedding is coming up in October. We just threw down $10,000 on my middle daughter's new (and completely amazing) teeth. The truck will need some work and we still don't know the extent of it, but we do know that we'll have to pull the engine. My motorcyle needs service and will need new tires soon. One week ago to the day we decided that we were going to commit to a complete lifestyle change in order to pay off all our debt so we can ensure a fun and stress-free retirement. The lifestyle change we commited to included refraining from buying anything else on credit. I feel I must also mention that our middle daughter is a senior in high school this year and is definitely college-bound. To say the least, we are in debt to our eyeballs and have to make some serious spending changes if I am to retire at 20 years of service as I plan to. The mere thought of staying in California longer than that gives me a case of the willies that I can't bear to even describe. This is a dream that my husband has frequently purported to share.
But now, apparently, he wants an Ultra. Not tomorrow, not in a year, not when we are retired and have time to actually DO the touring the bike is made for. Now.
So, I tried to approach the situation as Dr. Laura would have me do: talking about the situation equal-to-equal, presenting the pros and cons and discussing each one thoroughly, prefacing any opinion with the caveat that it is an opinion and not a directive. I did this assuming that approaching the situation this way would allow him to come to his own conclusion, as husband and father, that buying a $30,000 motorcycle at this point in time would be deterimental to the family and to our long-term goals.
And I felt pretty good about it. We seemed to have come to an accord! So, I hopped in the car to take my daughter to a job interview, feeling as though doom had just been narrowly avoided.
While I waited in the mall for my daughter to be finished, my cell phone rang. It was my husband, at the Harley-Davidson dealership, advising me that our bank had just pre-approved him for the loan and he was buying the Ultra.
Did I already welcome you to my relapse? Good! Because by now you've probably already figured out that I LOST MY FREAKIN' MIND when I got that call. And I can state with utter certainty that nothing that came out of my mouth could have been mistaken for empowerment, valuation, appreciation, or applause for sexual prowess and proficiency.
Of course, all of that just rolled right off of him and he's floating around the house like the self-satisfied man that Dr. Laura would want him to be. Why not? He's got an Ultra!
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13 comments:
OH SHIT!!! :o
Not that it matters much but did your son already agree to pay for the MSU's old bike?
I really have to be careful here because I look at people's finances everyday.
It sounds like you've been down this road before with him. I doubt he will change overnight. Sad that he would go and make a major purchase knowing you were against it. Is it a done deal or is there still time to reason with him?
I have to say this really upsets me. Not because of Dr. Laura but because he is placing unfair stress on you. I'm going to think about this a while before I say more. For what it's worth I would have gone ballistic had my wife done something similar. Very unfair to you!!!
{{{{Daughter}}}}
Oh no! your change leads to a happier situation for all and he turns around and walks all over you.
I want to say; you used to treat him like a child because, "HE IS A CHILD"
maybe you were right the first time, but that's not right either.
This is a tough situation for you, I think you must somehow put a stop to this adolescent demand that he gets this new toy.
I must say a purchase of this magnitude should absolutely be a unanimous vote with the two of you.
It is not a decision he can make on his own.
If this is his response to your new approach to your relationship, then I just don't know what to say.
He is going to have to learn a newer part of you like "Don't mistake my kindness for weakness"
With your retirment in sight I can't believe he's pulling this now.
Now is not the time for useless debt, does he not know "you can't always get what you want."
Very immature on his part I must say.
I only hope you can put a stop to this purchase.
RT: THe Rogue is still in the shop. He knows he has to sell it, but how much do you wanna bet that I'll be the one who does all the work?
I am seriously thinking about taking the hard line with this - it's his decision, he'll have to find a way to make the payments that doesn't involve taking money from our family's overwhelmed budget. But I know that will only make things worse, because he will think I am not supporting him.
HB: Yes, I know. Believe me, I am feeling your exact sentiments ten fold!! Unfortunately, it's a done deal. I have no idea where we're going to put the Rogue when it gets out of the shop, as it's place in the garage now holds an Ultra. I suppose the next demand will be that I leave my bike outside so we can fit the ROgue in the garage.
As angry as I am, y'all, I also realize that this is part of his little mid-life crisis and I know that I will find a way to make it work. I always do. It's just unfortunate that I have to, so hot on the heels of our big decision to change our lifestyle. But I suppose that - just like my new approach to marriage - takes practice.
My big fear is that he'll be unsatisfied with the Ultra - especially after his attachment to the Rogue - and I fear that the Rogue will sit in the garage unsold until he can either force himself to separate from it, or until he decides he hates the Ultra (and then sells it for a loss), or until i sell it out from under him (making me, once again, the Wicked Witch of the West).
Grrr.
The more I think about this the angrier I get. Grrr X2
How can he look you in the eye knowing what he just pulled? I may be a little different than you but a few things here, 1) I would not make room for his bike, his problem 2) I would not help him pay for it, his problem (that isn't failing to support him, that's you being a responsible adult) 3) I would not help him sell his bike.
Maybe if he has to take responsibility for his actions he might think about it in the future. I would also inform him that if y'all fail to be able to meet your daughters wedding needs he will be the one breaking it to her. But that's just me sitting way over here. Sadly, I realize saying it here and doing it there are two different things. :(
I could keep going with this but I won't... pinch him hard for me, will ya? :)
I don't think I have adequate time to give this the response that it deserves.
Let me begin by saying that I think your drive to make your marriage a more comfortable environment for your MSU is a wonderful thing. But improving your marriage, as you already know, isn't a one sided adventure. Although it sounds as though only one of you is willing to put forth the effort it richly deserves.
The fact that he went out and bought the Ultra after you two had spoken about it, and he knew full well what your stand on it is, only goes to show that he IS an irresponsible child that needs to be reprimanded, and controlled. Your stand on this issue is just as important as his is, even more so because you have what is best for your entire family at heart, where he just has his own personal selfishness.
It's disappointing that you're willing to put forth effort only to have your attempts thrown back in your face.
On one hand, I completely agree with RT when he says that you shouldn't make room for this bike, or help him pay for it, but the truth of real life is that letting your partner deal with such a huge task is rarely feasible. The consequenses of his actions will be controlled by you because you are ultimately the only adult in this situation, but if the time came that you quit keeping the situation under control not only would you and MSU suffer, but it trickles down to your kids.
I think that's where the real twist of the knife comes in, your MSU has put you in a position that he knows you can't get out of BECAUSE your bound by your responsibility.
You are the adult.
He knows that.
All of that makes the whole situation even more horrid. You have no backup, or comfort on your side because the person who swore to be your ally is the problem here.
At this point in your life, actually for your entire life, (but esp. now) you deserve a partner that will respect your feelings, backup your choices, and stand by what you think is important. Not undermind your decisions, and put your family at risk of financial ruin just to satisfy his own desires.
Midlife crisis is no excuse.
I can not state enough, that you deserve better!
He doesn't sound like he's being a good friend, partner, or husband.
The whole story provokes anger in me.
You definitely got the short end of the stick here.
On that note, there is no good solution to this. You are bound to the spot where you are by love, or commitment at least, and if has half a brain, he fully knows that. More importantly he knew that before he went to the dealership...
I wish I had more to offer you besides words of rambling. Actually I wish that HE had more to offer you!
:-/
Jen and RT, you are both right. It's a crappy situation to be in, because as Jen so astutely pointed out, my refusal to do anything to rectify an already lose-lose situation will only make MY side of the "lose" worse and will affect the kids as well.
So, here I am, trying to get over being mad and settling myself smack in the middle of Solutionsville. Because that's really all I can do at this point.
The really sad - and sort of pitiful - thing is, I'm pretty sure this was so important to him so he can "fit in" with his new gang. Even worse is the fact that the club itself does not discriminate based on bike type, gender, color, or sexual preference. They actually WANT a large number of different types of bikes and riders represented (www.wolfpackmc.org). But today at their 1st anniversary BBQ, they were all joking about how I wouldn't be able to buy new shoes for myself or the kids. All I could do was get up and walk away.
Yep, I'm pissed. Yup, I'm sad. You guessed it, I'm feeling pretty frustrated and rather unwilling to keep practicing my new vows. But I am also trying very hard to understand what motivated him to defy the things we talked about as important for a fucking MOTORCYCLE. There must be something deeper here that needs addressing and I'm hoping I can find it before I spend my retirement as a homeless person.
And I already told him that my bike stays inside. I don't care which of his stays out, but my bike stays inside.
Thanks, you two, for understanding and for supporting me and valuing my anger as a real and worthwhile reaction to this. It's been a tough weekend.
:-/
I think you suspecting his need to "fit in" is probably dead on, but fitting in to his family, and being a good friend to you should have taken presidence. At the point that he failed to do that he became less of a man, and more of a creature depending on the pack mentality to drive his life. What a sad and sorry life to live, as the pack, no matter how much they love you at the time, can never give you as much reward as the love and respect of your mate.
My opinion based solely on this post and ones in the past is that he's a fool. You deserve a man who is going to treat you like the ridiculously intellegent, beautiful and fasinating woman that you are.
As sad of a situation as your in, I have reserved a dab of pity for him. The fact that he can't live up to the title of "husband" or "friend" will just equate to him missing out on the wealth of life you have to offer him.
It's impossible for you to work your new Dr. Laura magic on a man who puts his riding buddies first, and you second.
Making him feel empowered, valued in your relationship, and important will go right over his head.
It's important for your mate to appreciate how you are changing your habits to make him more comfortable in the marriage your suppose to share. I emphasize the word "share". If he can't do that then your efforts are virtually for nill.
My articulate nature has it's limits though, and having said all that my gut says:
Fuck him.
If he drives you into the poor house, you can come out here and stay with us. I'll let you keep your bike in the garage, and I know more then a handful of men who would worship the ground you walk on. Which is as it should be.
This whole situation is astounding to say the least. I give you major kudos just for having the ability to see straight! I'd be frothing at the mouth (I AM frothing at the mouth and he's not even my husband.)
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he works out his kinks without doing too much damage to you, your family, or your finances. And in the meantime, come vent to us. We're here and listening...
I read what Jen wrote and thought it was pretty hard but then I read it again and actually it's dead on.
So instead of me copying and pasting Jen's words here I'll just say "ditto".
We are here and we are listening and willing to share your frustration and anything else you care to share with at us.
Your original observation of what I wrote was probably accurate RT.
I was in a one-sided marriage before being married to James, so it appears that I have little tolerance for people who ignore their partners. Or worse yet, torment them.
I wish there was more compassion in my words but my concern is only for Daughter at this point, and it's obvious that his isn't.
I wish there was a way to tell him what he's doing wrong and how to fix it. Then based on whether or not he took that initiative, Daughter would have a clear idea of what her next step should be. I wish it could be that way. It's frustrating that people aren't so black and white, and any path she chooses, even if it's inaction will be hard for her to bear.
They should have to share this burden that he created...
See, anytime I launch myself on this conversation I start to rant.
Sorry.
:-|
I didn't expect such an outpouring and it really touches my heart. Thank you Jen, Thank you RT, for your support and kindness.
I've felt all the harshness that was written here and more these past couple of days, but I think that all in all, it doesn't mean that my efforts are wasted - yet. Like me practicing my new approach, he'll need practice responding to it, yes? So maybe my initial "Fuck him" (just like you, Jen!!) might just represent my disappointment in BOTH of us. Because if I was really good at what I'm supposed to be doing here, he probably would have listened.
But don't think I won't take you up on that offer if I end up hightailing it outta here!! Though I can't even afford to get divorced at this point. Sheesh!
Your last comment truly illustrates my point to the letter, Daughter.
Your husband did something unthinkably irresponsible, with no regard to how you would feel or cope with it.
How do you respond?
You take a step back, evaluate the situation and decide that part of the blame lies with you too. I don't know if I buy into that but I'm willing to bet a limb that if the situation were reversed he wouldn't waste ten minutes thinking that it could have been partly his fault too.
Ergo?
You're an amazing person. One worth knowing AND valuing.
I hope that with time you become more comfortable workin' your magic, and he in return becomes more receptive to it. Given this entire situation I don't think YOUR efforts were wasted one bit. Even though he wasn't in tune with what you were trying to do for him and for your marriage, it gave you a new way to look at yourself. It gives you the ability to pat yourself on the back because your taking steps to be a better person. That in itself means that nothing went to waste on your part.
We should all hope to find that ability ourselves...
I believe fully that you can't use the sentence "Because if I was really good at what I'm suppose to be doing here, he probably would have listened."
He has a pattern of behavior that stretches for a lifetime, and his inability to listen doesn't lie with you.
But I respect you all the more for playing your own devil's advocate.
And now that you've done that QUIT because you deserve even more support from yourself!
As for not being able to afford your divorce, don't worry about it. We'll hide you!! You can just live the "free" life. I'll never tell.
*wink*
And you know (I know you do), everything I write comes from my own experiences, and my own take on a situation that I'm not living in. So, take what you can use and discard the rest.
:-D
Sometimes husbands are just assholes.
As the one who said "follow-up is hard"...I'm standing here saying that being "understanding" and "supportive" in this circumstance is not required. One doesn't want to be indistinguishable from a doormat...
Sounds like he acted like a selfish jerk, and "When you do what you did, you get what you got" applies.
But don't listen to me. I'm divorced...and have no patience at all for this sort of thing.
Ironically, my SECOND ex-husband did almost exactly the same thing.
For my 30th birthday, I really wanted a decent stereo. I was really into music at the time, and we just had a "record player" (remember those?) But the one I wanted was $200...and he said it was too much money. I was bummed, but acquiesced.
WITHIN DAYS, he bought a Knucklehead from a buddy for $3,000.
$200 for something I wanted was "too much money", but money was no object when HIS desires were in question.
This is not an attitude that breeds respect or deserves it. And believe me, he didn't get any.
You're a better woman than I am, is all I can say.
P.S. He wrecked the bike within months and never got it up again.
Gunny: Grrrrr. Though it seems like what goes aorund came around pretty quickly for your ex, still doesn't excuse the behavior. I'm really sorry you didn't get your stereo!!!!!!!!!!
Ironically enough, it's MY bike that's being sold. I'll beriding the Rogue until my son gets his M license and can afford it. THen maybe I'll just go buy that 750li I've been wanting. Ha!
(Of course I won't... but it's a fun thought!!)
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