And what I lost? So difficult to explain in a way that's going to make sense to anyone but me. I'm not even sure I'm making sense to myself, now that I think about it. Either way, I'm fairly sure that I'm overreacting, but I just can't seem to help myself.
I don't want to revisit the history behind all of this, because it really is too painful for me, even now. My current frustration is that MSU's ex-wife just plain refuses to stay in the little, safe box that my brain has her interred in. This defiance of my "safety zone" only serves to bring stuff from the past flooding back, whether I want it to or not. And the common denominator of EVERY event that's occurred with MSU and his ex-wife since he and I have been married (almost 19 years) is DECEIT. By them. MSU in particular. Because he doesn't always make smart choices and he usually isn't proud of it. This, in his mind, gives him carte blanche to lie.
When MSU decided to return from Hawaii and our little "separation," he vowed that he was a "new man." He swore up and down that lying, deceit, and misinformation of any kind was a thing of the past. I praised him for this. I believed him. I was so proud of him, because an honest path is a very difficult one. I was impressed, because this was the thing that kept tearing us apart and it seemed that he had finally seen it, known it, and decided to change it.
Enter the ex-wife, again. Evidently she is in the process of trying to obtain a Top Secret clearance as a requirement of her current job. She sent MSU an email yesterday, advising him to expect a phone call and/or interview regarding her TS application, and asking him to call her. She wants him to call her because "the investigator is really only focusing on the last seven years, but I want to tell you what I told him."
There's only one reason that she would want to talk in person to MSU about this. Just one.
So I asked him flat out if he was going to lie for her. He said, "I don't know. It depends on what they ask me."
And I lost my mind and spent the next 20 minutes locked in the bathroom sobbing.
When I came out, MSU said, "This doesn't have anything to do with you, so I don't know what you're so upset about."
I said, "I'm upset because you just told me that you don't know if you're going to lie to a Federal Investigator to protect your ex-wife. I'm upset because you're telling me that the truth and your relation of it depends on what the question is. I'm upset because I want to trust you and if you get to decide what is and isn't okay to lie about, then trust isn't a word I can keep in my vocabulary. I'm upset because you KNOW full well that I'm opposed to lying of any kind. I'm upset because YOU DON'T OWE HER DIDDLYSQUAT and I can't understand why you would compromise OUR relationship - AGAIN!!!! - for her, just so she can keep a job she lied to get in the first place."
He said, "It really isn't any of your business."
True dat, y'all. None at all. Apparently the only thing that's my business is that I can trust NO ONE. MSU's got his ex-wife's back. Who's got my back? Hell if I fucking know.
7 comments:
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Nothing is fitting here.
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It makes sense. I don't think your overreacting IF the standard you AND MSU agreed on in your relationship was total honesty 100% of the time.
If that's the case, then you have a lot of room to be upset.
I don't know if I'm making sense now either, but that standard is a HARD one to live up to.
Important to you, but hard.
How do you feel about it now?
Have your feelings changed any?
I'm not sure if my opinion is going to matter here because I have previously stated that I don't think white lies are always a bad thing but in this case I agree with you on so many levels.
First, if he agreed to be an honest person then he has an obligation to honor his obligations.
Second, lying to a get someone through a top security background check is serious, possibly illegal. At the very least it's throwing out the rules and regulations put in place to keep... well, top secrets secret. Is the MSU ready and willing to take the fall if his ex f-cks it up somehow?
Lastly, out of respect for you, other than the promise he made, he should remember the fact that you are in law enforcement. Even if the situation is "none of your business", his actions, as your spouse, are a reflection on you, in my opinion.
So I can understand your ire and at least from where I'm sitting it it appears to be 100% VALID and that's the truth.
I do like the Meez, cool. :)
(((Daughter)))
Well, here's the thing: he was honest with ME. So I really have nothing to bitch about and he's not breaking aby promises. I asked him a question and he answered it honestly, which is somethinng that I've always hoped for.
Yes, the honesty standard is a difficult one. I know. So he's lived up to his promise to me, but in doing so has let me know that the honesty standard isn't an all-encompassing thing. SO while it MAY still be important for him to be honest with me (who knows for sure?), it apparently isn't important for him to uphold the truth to comply with the law... it apparently isn't the standard when it comes to his ex-wife, and I gotta say this:
The whole thing is upsetting to me because he's telling me that he's willing to break the law to protect HER. A drug-using, psycopthic (NOT an exaggeration), Homeland-security risk.
Jen, I so agree... nothing fits. I don't know why I'm so upset, but the fact remains that I am SOOOOO upset. He told me the truth and I thanked him for it. But I can't seem to convey in any convincing way how toxic it is that she would even EXPECT him to lie for her, not to mention how toxic it is that he would do it.
Either way, I can't do anything about it. He knows how I feel. I think the only realistic thing I can do at this point is just not ask any more questions about the situation. Because the less I know, the better. And I'm not going down with them, should the unthinkable happen. SOunds scummy, I know. But MY choice is clear and certain.
RT, that was part of my issue as well - I do my best to reflect well on him in his circles. It wouldn't be good for me - despite the fact that it has NOTHING to do with me - to be the one that's married to the treasonous bastard that lied to get this woman through the TS process. Though I doubt she would ever know anything that would possibly be that serious or that much of a compromise - *I* wouldn't be willing to take that chance. MSU obviously is.
I don't know. I still feel reallyl strongly about it. I'm just not really able to pinpont exactly why I'm so upset. I think the majority of it is because it's HER. I know - it's shallow. But I'm just so sick of the values of my familky being compromised for HER.
Someday it'll be MY turn to be the focus, to be number one, to be considered. I hope I'm still young enough to enjoy it.
I think being upset because he's willing to lie for her is reasonable. I think being upset because he's willing to help her achieve something she didn't earn is understandable. I think the MSU not realizing that his ex wife would be an issue for you is unbelievable.
That's just what I think. I guess it's not a situation you go to war over but it is close. ;)
No wars. Not over this, anyway.
It just kills me that 20 years later this woman is STILL an issue in our lives. Why? Why does she refuse to take her place? Why does MSU still allow her to affect us?
Then again, I guess it's really ME who is allowing it, just by reacting.
Hell, I don't know.
I think it's the old hero thing. Most men like being the hero for women. Since what we do for our spouses seems to be our obligation, expectation or duty, you don't always get that 'charging to the rescue to save the day feeling'. I'm sure it has more to do with him than her.
Is it right? No. Is it insensitive? YOU BET YOUR ASS IT IS! Have I ever been insensitive to the wifes feelings? unfortunately, yes.
You have every right to be upset. It's not you. It's the MSU and the silly gender he belongs to. The gender that likes to be the hero even when it's plain that we are just being used. Men are dumb that way. No excuse, just a possible motive.
Whatever it is, I hope it's over soon. :-) Sheesh!!!!
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