Random Thoughts of a Fevered Mind

I suppose I SHOULD have titled this post "Random Thoughts of an Unmotivated Mind." I have a butt-ton of work to do here in my office, but the events of the morning have erased any and all desire to do it. Not to mention that the moment I showed up in the hotel for my weekend trip, I manifested a horrid, snotty, balloon-headed virus that kicked my ass all weekend and continues to rub my face in the dirt now.

I thought it was a phase, or perhaps a mild depression... but it turns out that I really don't like my job any more. I'm horrified on a daily basis by the malice that is perpetrated on the innocent (and sometimes not-so-innocent). I'm disgusted by a society that actually ENCOURAGES parents to abdicate their most important role. I'm incensed at the amount of time and money that is spent on people who are not only in this country illegally, but refuse to follow the basic rules of the place they wanted to be so badly that they had to break in. And I don't have much time with the kids anymore, the very people who I entered this field to work with. I have plenty of report-writing time... more than enough ridiculous Judicial demands time... an overload of deadbeat, whiny, drug-using parent time... lots of red-tape, jump-through-the-hoops-for-the-whim-of-my-Supervisor time... more time than humanly possible spent on the phone with schools who can't wait to pass the buck... but I have very little kid time. And the kid time I DO have is rushed and of little quality.

Disturbingly, lately I'm finding that I'm not really enjoying the little bit of kid time that I do have. Mostly because I'm realizing that, these days, I don't like the kids much more than I like their parents. Kids are like the canaries in the coal mines. And in case you haven't noticed, the times they are a-changin'.

The point is that I've been wracking my brain, trying to come up with something that I can do that will allow me to spend more time with my family, pay my bills, and offer SOME semblance of fulfillment. I've thought of a couple of Internet-based businesses, but the chances of success are slim. I have to get something going, though, because the California budget issue is going to get a LOT worse before it gets any better and next time I might not survive the cut. I'm looking at a pay cut for sure as soon as our contract is renegotiated this month. Hanging around for another ten years just to earn a retirement - that's in the toilet right now anyway along with the rest of the stock-market based world - is starting to sound downright masochistic rather than fiscally responsible.

I used to think I was working for the betterment of our society. I've since realized that I am actually CONTRIBUTING to its demise, because I am locked into a system that frowns upon independent thought and action. I used to think that the gifts I enjoy - and am so blessed to have! - meant diddly-squat if they weren't shared in service to others. I'm feeling stingier now, wondering if I've squandered the best of what I've been given in the protection of people who don't WANT to be protected, in the service of others who don't want help. How many days have MY children suffered and gone without something vital because I gave the best of what I had to this never-ending parade of irresponsibility that files in and out of my office? How much of MY life-force have I spent on those who hate me for reasons even they don't fully understand? How much of my love and light have I left on ghetto doorsteps, in smelly institutions, in back alleys and front rooms filled with filth, on shackle keys and spit socks, hoping it would be just enough to help a lost soul find a different, less difficult path?

And how much of ME is gone because of it??? A little? Some? ALL?

I feel so very empty.