The past few weeks have been very strange and very trying for me.
I am NOT perfect. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I have good days and bad days. I make good decisions and I make questionable decisions. I am just as human as everybody else and I am subject to the same desires, whims, and foibles. And when I catch myself being someone other than Who I am and/or Who I Want to Be... I make a new choice. Granted, sometimes I don't catch myself until I've fucked it all up proper... but there is always time to make a new choice. There is always time to re-manifest Who I Am.
Part of Who I Am is a loving and generous person who realizes that EVERYONE makes decisions in their lives in order to fully experience Who They Are. With some, I choose not to share in their experience and/or manifestations. With some, I do. And with those persons with whom I choose to share their experience, I try very hard to love them unconditionally - without limits, without requirements, without hope or expectation. For we are all just souls in pursuit of Who We Are. We are all actively engaged in the process of Being.
So, when I'm hurt by the actions of someone else, I try to experience the hurt and then make a new choice. A new choice that embraces that person's choice to experience themself in THAT particular way, a new choice that reminds me that my emotions are my responsibility alone.
Some people call this decision "forgiveness." Some call it "weakness." And some call it "stupid."
I call it "freedom."
Unfortunately, the past few weeks have shown me, in no uncertain terms, that I am more practiced at this skill than even I thought myself to be. I know this because it's come to my attention that when people do things - seemingly deliberately, but that could just be paranoia - that I feel hurt about, it's always the SAME people and it's pretty much always the SAME kind of thing. And forgiveness is becoming quite tedious in this regard. Sure, it's the path to my emotional freedom... but it seems like the path is only here because I've walked down it SO MANY TIMES. And I have to wonder: do these same people continue to manifest the same decisions that hurt me because they are truly experiencing themselves in this way over and over again? Or are they doing it because they know they can "get away" with it with no emotional repercussions from me?
Just another thing that makes me go, "Hmmmmmmm."
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4 comments:
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean there isn't a hungry demon just waiting behind that door, getting ready to chew your face off.
If you have to ask yourself these questions, there's probably something to it.
*hug*
Hell yes "hmmmmm", there is much to what wrote here.
What these people do, the ones who TEST your ability to forgive, is take a chance that every time they do it, you WON"T find the ability to forgive this time, that your tolerance for their actions will be so diminished by it's repetition you will either cease to care what they do anymore or feel your only road to freedom is a path away from them. The fact that they knowingly take this chance hurts. The fact that they keep doing it after seeing it's affect is astonishing and selfish. I can't say I agree with you that "my emotions are my responsibility alone" Well, in the end, in the purist sense of responsibility, I guess you're right. I have to decide how and who is allowed to effect my emotions but what a cold cold world it would be if we couldn't trust anyone enough to take responsibility for them too. ISN'T THAT WHAT RELATIONSHIPS ARE BUILT ON???? Isn't that why we seek out people, not just anyone, to share our life with? My idea of fully experiencing "WHO I AM" means taking all the parts important to me, the responsible part, the friend part, the caring part, the thrill seeker part... and incorporating them all into whatever experience I'm seeking.
Sorry about the rambling but it piss me off when people are selfish, which I'm only assuming is part of what you're talking about here.
I'm not sure it's selfishness, though that's part of it ... and we're ALL selfish to a certain extent.
I do find that people who make the same mistakes over and over and don't learn from the pattern really irk me... and then I have to realize that those things are "mistakes" only because *I* am judging them to be so.
I don't know. I'm really trying to live my life in an enlightened way. To be really successful, I'm going to have to learn how to let hurtful things go until I can achieve whatever spiritual level there is that allows me to just be wholly unaffected.
There's GOTTA be that level. Right????
ummmm, I'm going to have to disagree with you here.
Some mistakes are mistakes because they are OBVIOUSLY wrong or wrong because they break a previous agreement or understanding, spoken or not.
What's the difference between the people you let into your life and the strangers you pass on the street? It's the feelings you allow yourself to experience for them, with them and because of them. How can you negate half of the spectrum in your relationships and still care wholly? Still have balance? For me to experience something fully I must be willing to travel down BOTH ends of the emotional spectrum. Do I get the full satisfaction if a team I like wins if I'm not willing to be disappointed if they lose? I don't see how.
We feel physical pain not because we are not strong enough to ignore it but because it's a mechanism meant to let us know something is wrong. Does emotional pain not signal the same thing?
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