Never Talk to Strangers - Introduction

When I was a little girl, I had a book called "Never Talk to Strangers." As I remember it, it was rather a whimsical thing, rhyme-y and trite, but with a single message: A stranger has absolutely no business striking up a conversation with you, Little One, and when one does you run away and tell a grown-up that you trust.

A most simplistic approach, true. But for young children, it sufficed for years. It sufficed because when I was a kid, most grownups were truly looking out for little kids, even those that didn't belong biologically to them. It sufficed because people knew the other people in their neighborhoods. It sufficed because anonymity was rare and odd. It sufficed because people were paying attention, real attention, to children. It sufficed because people then, like people now, were avoiding the truth and thus ignoring the true issue.

The problem is, and has been, that one in every three females will be sexually assaulted before the age of 18. One in every twelve boys will suffer the same fate (and most experts believe that this number is under-reported). By and large, it's not strangers that are perpetrating these assaults, it's acquaintances. Usually adults. Most kids understand the simple message of "stranger danger." It's "family-and-friend danger" that's more difficult to address - and that's because, like any predator, the sexual predator will use the things you love the most to entice you, control you, and use you.

Looking at the statistics - and those are current numbers - it is clear that the messages we've been sending out in the schools and at home are not sufficient to address the problem, likely because the problem isn't strangers (though anonymity itself has taken on a whole new meaning for today's children given the prolific use of social networking). The problem itself can't be broken down into one empowering, simple solution because the problem itself is multi-pronged. The sexual predator knows this and will use it to his/her advantage. Are you prepared? Are your children?

The core issue here, especially for young children, is trust. Young children have no choice but to trust adults. Their entire existence has been built on their trust in those around them. Children grow up with their bodies as public domain, being dressed, changed, bathed, and fed by an adult. As they grow older and enjoy more and more self-efficacy, they still rely on adults for help with dressing, using the potty, and bathing. In essence, an adult touching their "private parts" is not odd, it's not threatening, it's not taboo or even worth mentioning. Now that so many families incorporate two working parents, children (and parents!) have had to expand their circles of trust to include day-care workers. How do we, as parents, hammer home the edict of "my body belongs to only me and that is final" to children who have no other experience than having to trust adults with those same bodies?

More to the point, how do we, as good parents who are putting forth heroic efforts to raise socially functional and responsible children, make the distinction between the times to be polite (most times) and the times where being polite isn't appropriate? Because don't we all use the same model for our children in this regard? Don't our children grow up with the expectation - indeed, the utter surety - that if they respond politely and appropriately to adults they will, in turn, be treated politely and appropriately? Don't our children grow up with the expectation that they will respect their elders? That they will mind their elders? That they will not argue or "talk back" to their elders? That if directed to do something by their elders they are expected to comply or possibly be reprimanded?

These, quite simply, are the tools of the sexual predator: the child's forced position as one-who-trusts and the child's social expectations. And, as most sexual assaults on young children are perpetrated by someone the child knows, you can bet that perpetrator also has knowledge about how the child's family works, what punishments are used, and where Mommy and/or Daddy are on a daily basis. Given that the perpetrator is also generally a member of the child's family or circle of family friends, frankly the odds are truly stacked in the predator's favor. In older children, the "shame factor" is often used to intimidate the victim into silence and, of course, more abuse.

How, then, do we make the commitment to raising both polite and assertive children? How, then, do we empower our children with the concept of "my body belongs to only me and that is final" without breaking the trust and security that they must have to learn and grow? How, then, do we open up a meaningful dialogue with our children about a subject that we ourselves shudder at the thought of? How, then, do we learn to trust our children as much as we expect them to trust us?

More to come.