Stranger Danger

Training young children to stay away from people they don't know isn't a very difficult task. Most young children will happily stay within the line of sight of the adults they know and trust, and will naturally be suspicious of adults they don't know. At about age five, when children begin to become accustomed to the "everyday" surroundings, they will also begin to feel more secure manifesting their natural curiosity (though usually within limits). The all-too-obvious but for some reason usually dismissed issue with this is that young children define "know" and "trust" differently than adults or even older children do.

For example, if you take your four-year-old daughter to the neighborhood park every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, chances are you regularly see other parents doing the same thing. You will eventually come to "know" these other adults by sight, perhaps offer a wave of greeting after several contacts. You may chat with these other parents as the children play. Do you "know" these people? Of course not. Does your child? Absolutely. "Knowing," f0r a young child means that something has been incorporated in their every day expectations. And now that your child "knows" these adults, there is no reason at all for your child to not trust them as well, because that's what young children are forced, by their own helplessness, to do.

With this new perspective, try to list how many people your young child "knows." The mail carrier. The UPS guy. The Landlord. The rowdy kids skateboarding in your apartment complex's courtyard every day. The older gentleman a few doors down. The grandma-looking lady on the corner with the rosebushes you so admire. The parents that come and go from the daycare center. The older siblings of the other kids at the daycare center. The baggers at the grocery store. The barista at Starbuck's. Your boss and co-workers. Your parents' quirky neighbors.

It's a long and intimidating list, especially given the fact that this list has already been incorporated into your child's memory as a "known" quantity. And how many more people does your child "know" that you don't know about?

So when you solemnly advise your child to "never talk to strangers," your child likely solemnly agrees. But none of the people on the aforementioned list are "strangers" to your child, even though in your mind they most definitely are. If one of the people on that list asked your child if he or she wanted to come see the lizard/rock/race car/flower/stash of candy they just found, your child would probably consider that person "known" and "trusted" (because you, the parent, "know" that person too, right???) and might even agree to go along with them without checking with you first. Or your child might say, "okay, let me tell Mommy/Daddy," only to have the "known" person say, "I already asked your Mommy and she said okay." Does your child have any reason at all not to believe this is true? A child over the age of five, who is already quite secure in his or her surroundings and "known" quantities, would be very likely to accept this invitation.

And thus, long-term sexual abuse of a child often begins. A sexual predator whose preference is young children knows very well how to use a child's curiosity to gain a child's trust, and quite often it happens right under a parent's nose.

Though I don't wish to focus on abductions (frightening and horrific yes, but not as common as ongoing sexual abuse), here are two cases in point of "known" perpetrators:

Danielle Van Dam, 7 years old. Abducted by a neighbor, though it is theoried that she may have gone to his house of her own volition after waking in the night to find her parents not at home. Sexually assaulted, murdered, and unceremoniously dumped by a roadside. Other neighborhood children reported that the perpetrator would let the neighborhood kids play in his RV, which coincidentally was the vehicle which linked the perpetrator, now on Death Row, with Danielle.

Samantha Runnion, 5 years old. Abducted by a man who asked her for help locating his chihuahua and then dragged her into his car. The man had been a visitor around the apartment complex in the past while dating one of the residents and the children approached him without fear. Sasmantha's five-year-old playmate was able to provide a very good description of the perpetrator, which led to his arrest, but not before Samantha's sexually abused and asphyxiated body was found alongside a highway.

For parents, the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (www.missingkids.com) and OJJDP (www.ojjdp.ncjrs.org) have several recommendations. Sending a small child on an errand alone or allowing him/her to walk to school alone is never a good idea. Children are well advised never to approach an occupied car or accept a ride from anyone without a parent present. Children should be told to retreat from requests for directions, requests for help with finding something or someone lost, and persons in vehicles who ask the child to approach the car for ANY reason. Parents should pay attention to persons in the area, even if it appears that the person is there on legitimate business. Again, these recommendations focus on the notion of "stranger danger" rather than the clear and present danger of seemingly known quantities, and I would definitely modify these suggestions with regard to my own children.

Again, more to come.