Lies, Lies, Lies (The Caveat)

Someone asked me if having a secret from a loved one is the same as lying.
"Funny you should ask," I said, "because I'm pretty sure it's not the same thing."

I have secrets. Lots of them. Some have been shared with trusted souls, but most I carry around in a big old emotional steamer trunk of shame, pain, and fear. I'm human, and I make decisions that occasionally I'm not proud of. Therefore, I'm not in a big hurry to share them with other people. However, if someone asks me a question, I'll answer it as truthfully as I can - and I'll even go the extra mile to attempt to refrain from excuses.

The reason I know that my best friend is truly my best friend is the fact that she knows most of my darkness and loves me anyway. Sure, some of my secrets will go with me to the grave (unless I find myself in the company of an extremely nosy and powerfully psychic person), but she knows most of them. And the rest she's smart enough not to ask about.

Secrets are not the same as lies. A relationship of perfect love and perfect trust has plenty of room for secrets, but not for lies. And most people who share a relationship of perfect love and perfect trust realize that it's pretty stupid to ask a question when the honest answer is better left unsaid. For in a relationship of love and trust, the truthful answer will always come. And sometimes it won't be pretty. Most times it won't be something that the loved one really wanted to know in the first place. Though it's said that knowledge is power, it is not power that can be easily wielded when the flaming sword of truth is freed from its scabbard and is getting down to the business of carving your heart out. Ugly, yes?

But... certainly less ugly than a lie. And I'm constantly amazed at the sheer number of people who don't know this fundamental truth. Or don't care. Or both.

Of course I'm not saying that anyone who walks up to me and asks an intimately personal question should get the full truth. I'm not going to lie to people, but I'm definitely not going to lay my pain at the feet of every person who asks for it. Ever notice the stunned look on the face of a person you've just told that something is absolutely none of their business? It occurs to me in these situations that people expect to be lied to. Why else would a person ask me a question that they themselves would be hesitant to answer? Or expect me to reveal a part of my psyche in a superficial conversation? Yes, I believe it's acceptable and appropriate to tell someone that something is none of their business... especially if you'd answer (just to be nice, you know) with a lie.

Keep your secrets, you've paid for them. Accept those decisions and love them for their contributions to your life. Share them if you think you or someone else will benefit from the knowledge. Lock them in your personal steamer trunk if nobody will, and know that you decieve no one by doing so. Keep the secrets that others have trusted you with as faithfully and carefully as you do your own. Love and Trust demand it.

As for lying? Scroll down. It's not the same thing at all.