And Now For Something Completely Different - NOT!

One of my best friends is the stupidest sonovabitch I'll ever meet. He's proved it, beyond a shadow of a doubt, today.

A bit of background: I've known him for almost 11 years. He and his long-time girlfriend married very close to the time he and I met; they already had a young son. He is a handsome devil, charming as they come, and with the gift of gab on top of it all. She is classy, lovely, demure, and built like a brick shit house. They remain married to this day. I met him the same way he meets all of his female friends: he flirted outrageously with me and I flirted back. I'm not dumb enough to qualify as a girlfriend, so he and I just became friends. Eventually our families became close enough that we all just consider ourselves one big family.

Until today.

See, my friend has never been one to limit himself socially. Nor has he ever been one to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. As a matter of fact, my friend is one of those people who can never just answer a question: he has to spend a minute or so trying to remember who he told what lie to and trying to calculate how easy it would be to check it before he answers even the simplest question. Though I appreciate the magnitude of intelligence this layered life must require, I must say that the constant evasion - not to mention the downright lying - grows tedious. I have to point out that the guy has absolutely no reason to lie to me: I'm not his mother, I'm not his wife, I'm not his God, and though he drives me crazy even on good days, I love him like no other.

Eight months ago he was stone-cold-busted having an affair with a co-worker. Approximately seven months prior to that, there were serious and probing questions regarding his marital loyalty, again regarding the same female co-worker. I knew about the liaison, in the academic sense, but didn't pry too much because I figured it was none of my business and the less I knew, the better. I met the girl once, under fairly normal circumstances (on the job), and had an interesting run-in in a parking lot with her several months later. I tried to run interference in a roundabout way, as friends do, but My Stupid Friend's stubborness and certainty that he could pull off the grandest of schemes circumvented any real communication in the matter. The fact is, he stopped being careful and started being , well, stupid. He and his wife came close to divorcing, but he agreed to cut all ties with the lady in question (including changing his work schedule) and vowed that he wanted to work it out. See if you can guess what really happened (please reference aforementioned notes regarding strong sense of adventure and serious lack of self-control).

The best part? The "lady in question" is a complete and utter psychopath. I'm not just saying that. In a movie, this situation would be disgustingly fascinating (especially if well-acted). In real life, it's uber-tragic and horribly predictable.

So, the long and short of it is that though he agreed to sever all ties with the crazylady, he chose not to. Which, I suppose, would have been fine if he had continued to be as careful as he used to be. But instead, he chose to drag me into it, putting me in a position where I would have to choose between lying to protect someone I love or telling the truth to protect someone I love.

We were together in a place where we never would have known we were together had My Stupid Friend not approached me to say hello. In reality, there was no way I would have known he was there otherwise, as I walked among 5,000 other people participating in the San Diego MS Walk. I had noticed that others employed by his employer were there, wearing shirts signifying their solidarity, but quickly scanned the faces for those I knew and dismissed the rest. Had he - or his little psychopathic paramour - been among them, I would have seen them immediately. Obviously they were choosing not to walk with their "crowd" during that time. About halfway through the course, my friend ran up behind the group I was walking with (comprised of several members of my family), and greeted us heartily, stating that he had agreed to participate in the walk because his boss was there and he was in the process of applying for a promotion (the parts about the boss and the promotion are true). We strolled along, chatting amiably as friends do, when I noticed that a certain young lady - who I had met before and have heard volumes about since - had begun walking along at my friend's opposite side. She leaned forward as she walked, as if positing herself into the conversation, smiling in an "acknowledge me" way. I gave her a rather censorial look, as if to say "I'm pretty sure you don't want to do this with me, how about just vanishing as quickly as you appeared?" No dice. And then, in the most ludicrous attempt at subterfuge I have ever witnessed - and this from a Master in the art - my friend turned to Crazylady and said, feigning surprise, "hey!!!," like it was the first time he'd seen her all day. It was a Herculean effort not to roll my eyes and casually break his nose with my water bottle. The kicker? Crazylady looked at My Stupid Friend with a territorial moue and whined, "Aren't you going to introduce us?" I stopped walking, turned directly to face her, stuck out my right hand, and said incredulously, "we've met." I shot him a look that said "we're gonna talk" and then summarily dismissed them both. I was, needless to say, furious.

And of course the inevitable was, well, inevitable... the hysterical phone call from the wife came, the questions were asked, the answers were given (as fairly and objectively as I know how, but no less incriminating), and the showdown was shot out with both parties lying bleeding on the fertile and forgiving ground that was once their marriage. And somehow, the entire situation has become - you guessed it - my fault. My fault because he was too STUPID to stay away from me during the MS Walk. My fault because I'm not dumb enough to buy the "I'm here to schmooze with the boss" crap. My fault because I'm not willing to lie for him.

What hurts the most is the fact that he obviously expected me to. Oh, ouch.