I won't bore you with details of the last 48 hours, but I will summarize by telling you that during that time I have driven 1000 miles and slept only 7 hours.
Last night, as I lay in bed at the hotel with a pounding headache and the flickering hope that I would be able to finally get some sleep, the couple next door decided to make me (and others, I assume) privy to their latest round of coitus. Not a new thing in my experience with hotels, but with a twist:
The female part of the couple was performing the most alarmingly awful faking of an orgasm I've ever heard.
You're going to ask how I know. I know because nothing got loud until the guy got loud, and because the whole loud part, from start to finish, took less than 10 seconds. Also, there was no real passion in the voice. Also, it was "staged" to happen at the same time. How romantic.
Which was so profoundly affecting that I felt compelled to make this blog entry:
According to Jeanette Harper, surveys have shown that 75% of women surveyed over a period of several years stated that they fake an orgasm every time, 15% fake it most of the time, and about 9.5% said they occasionally fake it. That leaves about 0.5% who say they've never faked it. Those of us who are keeping it real are a decidedly small minority, yes?
(Just for the record, surveys also indicate that anywhere from 20% to 25% of men have stated that they've faked an orgasm at least once in their life.)
Men, empower yourselves with knowledge and hear me now and well: There is a 75% chance that your woman fakes her orgasm every single time. If you are like the poor hapless fuck who was the recipient of the marvelously bad fake last night, it can be assumed that you don't know the difference. Let me enlighten you.
No muscle spasms, no orgasm. If her pubococcygeus muscle is not contracting in a rhythmic fashion, she is not having an orgasm. If you don't know what that muscle is or what it feels like, use your finger (up to about the second joint), and ask her to "squeeze" it. You should be able to feel resistance all around your finger (in a normally functioning vaginal tract).
Or, you can Google it. There are some nice pictures on the web of the muscles of the pelvic floor.
Also, for those of you perhaps more adventurous than the norm (apparently, given the number of clueless men that seem to be out there), why not get to know your friendly neighborhood vulva? I mean, really know it. Because it undergoes some pretty significant changes at the height of sexual stimulation, changes that would be a sure tip-off to impending climax.
Just a thought.
Ladies: you could help a brother out by just keeping it real. Eh?
"Ní neart go chur le cheile." (together we are strong.)
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22 comments:
I knew you were off the grid for a while. I thought maybe it was time for the wedding. Guess not.
I stay in hotels about once a month or more and I have never experienced what you heard. (not the fake orgasm part but the sex part) :)
Great subject, being the near gyno I am,HA, no really, we've talked about it and came to the mutual conclusion there's no need for faking, if it ain't gonna happen it ain't gonna happen, there will be another time.
RT: not off the grid, just quiet. I've been in a strange transition period nad thought it would be better to just observe for a while. ;-)
Harbinger: Agreed. But, then again, I absolutely can not understand the impetus behind faking. Apparently this is just another area in which I would benefit from "Girl Classes."
NOT!!!
A
I could see hookers faking it since they're being paid and all, make the guy feel good. But that's about it.
In a real relationship it would seem pointless to me. And what kind of relationship would that be anyways, lame; I would say.
I'm not sure I'm in agreement with the two of you here. I've had to think about it and I probably should think about it some more but here goes...
If a woman wants to fake it so what? We all tell lies to our partners to make them feel better, how is this different?
No, you don't look fat in that.
No, she's not as pretty as you.
Yes I love this gift, it's just what I wanted.
If a woman fakes it, it has to be because she doesn't want to hurt her partners feelings or she's tired of it and wants to get it over with. Sure she could explain how to "make it happen" and yes he could work harder to understand how to "make it happen" but it just may not be that important to her, everytime.
But if you feel there's something about a woman I need to know, please continue. I'm all ears. ;)
True it may just not be that important to her everytime, that's my point so why fake anything. I say stay true, there will be hundreds of more times when it will all click,
hopefully.
I agree that a relationship in which either partner feels as though they need to decieve the other regarding the most FUNDAMENTALLY HUMAN thing we do is "lame."
And, RT, I agree with you to a point. However, the operative point in my post was that a whopping 75% of women claimed that they faked it EVERY SINGLE TIME. Not only is that figure incredibly sad, but incredibly frightening: it means we live in a society where it's MORE acceptable - perhaps even favorable - to FAKE an orgasm during sex than to actually HAVE one. Not only are women feeling like they are expected to DO this - regardless of whether or not they feel they CAN at any given time - but men are either oblivious to it or ambivalent (as you appear to be) about it. Which only serves to promulgate the "norm."
Or maybe you're only ambivalent because you assume that your wife isn't one of the VAST MAJORITY of women who claim to fake it EVERY TIME. :-)
So, I'm not saying that any woman who chooses to fake an orgasm should be judged or "corrected." I'm saying that there is something very wrong with our collective sexuality if more women are faking orgasms during sex than having them (which appears to be, in fact, the case).
And I'm saying that I think - all IMHO - that women would be better served if they would take responsibility for their orgasms rather than leaving that in the realm of "things he gives me." I don't feel the need to fake orgasms because I can snap one, two, or more off whenever I want to. Anyone who says that sex is supposed to be a "mutually giving experience" is doing it wrong (again, IMHO).
Oh, and one more thing: I don't expect anyone to lie to me to "make me feel good." If I take the time to ask a question, I want to hear the answer. The REAL answer.
Lying sucks. And faking an orgasm - whatever the reason - is lying. Plain and simple.
I just thought, maybe that awful mainstream porn is partly to blame. Maybe some women think that is how sex is supposed to be. All those unreal wailing noises those women are making. That crap is even dubbed in sometimes, like give me a break.
And it is absolutely lying, no question.
Hold on a sec here, :) I'm not talking about me here. Has my wife faked it? I have no idea. Every time? No. How do I know? For reasons mentioned in your post and discussions we've had.
I do agree with you on this point, if I'm doing all I can, paying attention to all the signals, and I'm open to any input she wishes to express then the rest is her "responsibility".
As far as the lying part. I pride myself on being an honest person but we all tell lies to keep from injuring people we love. I see no reason to be brutally honest with someone over trivial unimportant things like the size of someones ass unless the situation calls for it or you sense the person really wants you too. Some people just want to hear it, they know your lying but I think it makes them feel good that you're willing to do it. If a lie hurts no one then what's the harm? Let's just say someone once said I was as hot or hotter than Brad Pitt. We all know it's not true (especially me) but what's the harm? :)
Daughter you are unique in the way you feel about yourself. Most people are not as comfortable in they're own skin as you are. A sad but true fact.
RT - I don't lie to "protect" the ones I love. I really think lying sucks. People around me learn quickly to only ask the questions they really want to know the answers to. Lying, even "little white lies," protects no one and hurts everyone. IMHO, of course.
Ad, I wasn't lying about the Brad Pitt thing. I don't think Brad Pitt is hot at all. Every guy I know is hotter than Brad Pitt!!!
Harbinger: I was going to add something in the post about where women were learning to fake it... like, if you MUST fake your orgasms, please learn how to do it so it doesn't sound like the bathroom scene on "Skanks on a Plane." Sheesh!! Like any kind of lying, you're less likely to be called on it if you stick to reality as much as possible. :-)
Now that I think about it, maybe I should just jump on this bandwagon and capitalize on it... teach classes in fake orgasms. LOL.
To borrow a line from someone I like and respect...
Really? Wow. You wouldn't lie to protect someone you love? If a family member had a terrible scar across their face and you thought it looked like crap and they asked you how it looked you would tell them? Knowing they are trying to muster up the courage to face the world with it? I think honesty has to share the world with compassion and empathy. But that's just me.
We'll just have to agree to disagree about this. :)
If you ever do give those fake O classes at least tape them so I can compare it to what I have going on, you never know. ;)
No, I wouldn't. Not ever. Because, like I said, lying hurts everyone and protects no one. And I wouldn't think a scar looked "like crap" either. A scar looks like a scar and in every single case it looks a helluva lot better than the alternative.
(By the way, I DO have a family member with a terrible scar across her face. And no one has ever minimized it by saying it was less than what it was. She is not less beautiful because of the scar, she is more beautiful because of the scar. But if she asked me if I thought she had the option of being a supermodel, I'd have to answer "no.")
This is not a judgment... as you said, we agree to disagree. However, I have to tell you that now I'll always wonder if you're being honest with me.
And I agree wholeheartedly that honesty "has to share the world with compassion and empathy!" So, when my daughter asks me if she looks all right in these jeans, I can tell her, "I really like the black jeans that you wore to (insert place name here) the other day, because the fit is so flattering. Why not wear those instead? They'd look so perfect with that top."
In other words, I believe that honesty and compassion and empathy are not "either/or" propositions.
My friends know that I will tell them the brutal truth, and I have learned from them that it takes some getting used to.
What i'm trying to get at is, it's like you are saying if a partner does not orgasm it's going to injure someones feelings, what kind of relationship is that.
It's nowhere near,"does this look good on me."
Though I would tell my wife no if it didn't.
I'm saying that if faking orgasms is going on, which is no trivial matter, what the hell other twisted
sorts of lying is going on.
This brings up so many little glitches in relationships I could never stand for; Men that cannot look at other women as in porn or even a real head turner on the street.
Men that cannot have women friends or even chat with females on a blog.
Not be able to say what a beauty someone is on the t.v or wherever.
IMHO if those things are going to injure someone, I could not be with them. Those thing are not a threat.
:::::Pointing at nose::::: Yes!!
If someone will lie about an orgasm, what else don't I know? If someone will lie about how a dress looks on me (when they shouldn't be!! I want to know if I look silly!!!), what else are they blowing sunshine up my skirt about??? If someone tells me that the total hottie who just blew us both away with her dazzling smile isn't as beautiful as I am, what other total bullshit have I been the victim of?
Yes. Just so.
The lying is damaging... but perhaps not as much as a culture that promotes it instead of honest sexuality.
IMHO, of course.
daughter now you have me trying to bow out but unable to. LOL
It would figure you had a family member with a scar across her face.
I'm not saying honesty, compassion and empathy are always an either/or propositions but sometimes they are. What I was trying to articulate was that sometimes you have to pick which one is right for the situation, based on your knowledge of the person you're dealing with. I would hate to think that I was bound by the truth to the point of cruelty.
One day my middle son will come to me and ask if he is normal. I will take the time to explain how special he is, how normal is a term that you can't apply to humans, how we all make our world normal for our situation. That is a compassionate answer but it's not the truth. It's not the truth because I know he will mean normal compared to other kids he knows. He also won't ask until he already knows the truth or at least has a idea. There is noway I could tell him the truth, the real truth he will be asking for. If that makes me a bad person for lying then call me a horrible person.
And never worry about if I'm telling you the truth or not. The only promise I made to myself about blogging is that I would not lie. If I do lie I assume you already know the truth and I'm just having some fun. :)
HB: Apparently unlike you and daughter I rarely see the need to be brutally honest. Not everyone who ask a question has signed on for this idea that if I ask a question I better be ready for a honest, in your face, you shouldn't ask if you don't want to know answer. I still think you have to be able to take into account each situation. Sure if they say promise you'll tell the truth, hey they asked for it. I'm talking white lies only here. The kind meant to spare feelings when no harm will come from doing it. If faking an orgasm is an obligation, for whatever reason, then I agree there is something wrong with the relationship but I still see nothing wrong with it under certain situations. Such as, I'm just not into it tonight but I don't won't to end this on a bad note for him. What's the harm? I see none.
Just so you know, I write all this with a smile on my face as enjoy discussing diffrent points of veiws with people I respect. :)
Grrr.
The harm in the situation you describe is that she assumes that her "failure" to reach climax somehow "ends this on a bad note" for you. I'm really wondering when sex became about one participant and not the other. Isn't it enough that she has honored you with the gift of her body despite the fact that she's not "into it???" Why does she feel she has to lie to you too?
(I'm using the "you" as an example, not as a direct reference)
The harm is that the act itself has now become a service rather than a celebration.
Grrr!
I had no idea this would spark such controversy... good topic.
:-)
Very good topic indeed!
I think we're just looking at this differently. Under the terms that you just described I get the point you're making and it's valid but it's not what I'm talking about.
I think you're talking about faking it because she feels she has to or feels pressure but I can see situations that she may want to. The wife cooks a few meals a month that aren't really what I want. They're not great but she made the effort and I know on a different day she can make them perfect. I eat it smile and tell her I appreciate the good meal. In other words I fake it. No it wouldn't end her world to hear I didn't like it but why do that? To what purpose? Honesty above all else, no matter what? Again, if it's a choice, please show me the harm.
I guess in this situation neither one of us are willing to fake it. So maybe we should just agree to disagree :) again. LOL
and you sure have cute grrr, and that's no lie ;)
Okay, we agree to disagree. I still think saying nothing at all is better than saying something untrue...
But...
You keep asking "what's the harm?" And I keep trying to tell you that it is the fundamental premise that a lie is somehow okay in ANY sense that is harmful. When your children ask you why you told Mama that the dinner tasted fine to you when it needed salt, was overdone, was unimaginative, and could barely be labelled food, what are you going to tell them? That's it okay to lie under these particular circumstances? That it's not a lie if you tell it to save Mama's feelings?
Don't be surprised when that comes back to haunt you in the teenage years!!
It is a very dangerous premise. The "harm" is hidden in what you consider your noble motive. A motive can not be considered "noble" and "deceitful" all at once. They are distinct and opposed predicates. By nature of the concepts, you must choose between them. So, are you noble? Or are you deceitful?
You cannot be both.
:-)
And with that, I rest. :-)
I've read all of your comments, and I have this to say in retort:
When I am having a good time in bed, I often sound like a soundtrack for a badly produced porno. Sometimes I catch myself saying things like "Oh goD yes!" or "Harder harder".
And when it's all over, and my throat is dry, and my husband is picking up the pieces of broken furniture that we rolled through during the act, I often have to remain silent for the rest of the night, lest I sound like a door mouse with a mouth full of superglue.
As for the lying bit, I'm in between on opinions but I think it's a topic better left for dead.
Less talk about lying, and more talk about sex!! I demand it so.
*stomp stomp*
:-P
Oh, and I think that women are more prone to faking it because we are brought up with the idea that if we're silent the man will get the impression that we're not into it, thereby making sex less available to us.
AND.
And women are often (in my opinion) brought up to believe that talking about it makes us dirty/less ladylike/too forward/ect ect, so we settle for never having orgasms.
I've known women that weren't sure they could be brought to orgasm.
All that because we're made to be ashamed of what we have.
It's sad.
:-(
LOL, Jen, that's what I should have said. The first comment that is, well actually just the last part, not the harder, harder part or the door mouse part. :)
All though the second comment seems right as well. Sad. :(
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