A Requested "Definition of Marriage"

So, here's yet another opportunity for me to be unpopular. I've been asked to define "marriage."

Understand, before I even start, that I grew up in a non-traditional religion; or rather, I grew up in a traditional religion that didn't make the trans-Atlantic voyage with some of my "other" ancestors. I was taught to respect all paths to Godhead, and part of that teaching stems from the fact that some who bore my name before me stayed in the British Isles and some came here to avoid religious persecution of their Puritan beliefs. Those Puritan ancestors burned part of their own heritage with the "witches" (read midwives and healers) they accused during The Burning Times.

So I am personally unaffected by Judeo-Christian dogmas, though they are incorporated into my life by American society and by my husband's Catholic upbringing. I am stuck in the middle between the ancient and humanistic belief that I am NOT seperate from Deity and the rules of this society that stem primarily from years of religious teaching that separates the Human from the Divine.

And I think I've done really well in being fair about the whole thing.

Marriage, at its heart, is a business contract. People can - and do! - love each other passionately and for life without ever committing to the contract that is marriage. Marriage means that I am willing and able to give you my love, my trust, and my body... but it also means that I am willing to give you my paycheck, my medical benefits, the care of my children, and co-ownership of my property. It also means that I am willing to take on my spouse's responsibilities as my own and willing to share the burden of poor decision making when it comes down to a legal matter. In my opinion, marriage has nothing whatsoever to do with Love. Marriage is a partnership. It is a matter of mutual respect.

Love is something else. Something seperate and distinct. For some nonsensical reason we have incorporated this emotion with sense but no reference into a list of prerequisites for a business contract, knowing full well that the concept, by it's very definition, is wholly subjective and in general a poor state to make lifetime decisions in. But that's the "rule," so we go with it.

So, MSU and I met, each of us coming out of previous marriages wherein many life lessons were learned. In mine, I learned that "faithfulness" is an empty concept and an unreasonable expectation. I also learned that Love does NOT conquer all. Mostly, I learned that it's really, really important to come to the long-term relationship table with a comprehensive list of what the expectations are - because "vowing" to "love, honor, and cherish" becomes a relative set of terms pretty quickly.

In his, he learned the same. But his Catholic upbringing and ingrained sense of guilt did not allow him to realize the basic humanity of his decisions or those of his ex-wife. In this sense, he was unable to take the lessons of his first marriage to heart.

So, we decided that we loved one another. We co-habitated (under extrememly secretive circumstances, which may be discussed in a later blog) and found that we were effective living partners. We came to the conclusion that marriage - a formalized contract of the in-place living system - was the next step. Which, for me, was a huge decision to have to make at age 22. He had children from his previous marriage. He had an egregiously bitter ex-wife that was ALWAYS going to be in the picture re: the children. Neither of us had any money.

So, I asked for a compromise. We would marry in the normal legal contract sort of way, and then we would Handfast. Much to the chagrin of his parents, MSU agreed. And I advised MSU that I would not take "traditional" marriage vows, as it was my belief and my experience that they are empty promises - with no real meaning - and that the expectation to make promises that most human beings - flawed, biologically driven, animalistic human beings - can't possibly hope to keep "forever and ever, Amen" was an unecessary social control that I refused to take into my marriage bed. I asked MSU to only make promises in our Handfasting that he was SURE he was willing and able to keep, and I swore I would do the same.

If you've read the entirety of my blog, you'll see that this is where MSU went wrong in more than one sense of the word. For him, it wasn't really "marriage" unless he made a bunch of promises that he didn't know at the time if he'd be able to keep. I, again, blame this on his dogmatic upbringing. I asked for "realistic." I asked for "humanly possible." I asked for very little, in fact, because a promise is a PROMISE and I expect them to be kept. He felt that the marriage itself had no validity unless he swore to a perfection that is not humanly possible.

He promised "undying faithfulness." He promised "no others before you." He promised to "protect your interests as my own." He promised "I will love you and no one else until the day I die."

Very sweet, indeed. But words only, yes?

I promised "to love you." I promised to "care for your children as my own and incorporate your family into mine." I promised to "allow you the freedom to chase your dreams." I promised to "never decieve you and trust you to know the truth." I promised that "our family and our interests will always be my first priority." I promised to "honor your feelings, understand your beliefs, and earn your respect."

Not so romantic, I'll freely admit.

And despite what anyone may think given some of my actions, I have never broken a single one of these promises. MSU has broken every single one of his - and many more that came after. Do I love him less? Of course not. I continue to encourage him to be honest with himself, understand his limitations, and be gentle with himself in his own expectations.

With our agreements and promises in place, we completed our handfasting ritual with this ancient passage:

"Beloved, I seek to know of you; and ask that I be given the wisdom to see you as you are, and to love you as a Mystery. I will take joy in you; I delight in the taste of you.

You are to me the whispering of the tides, the seduction of summer's heat. You are my friend, my lover.

Grow old and wise with me! - a life before us of rainbows and sunsets... and a willingness to share sanity and sadness.

I love you."

That passage alone incorporates my "definition of marriage."