I hear the song and I’m back. Just like that, like time doesn’t march on, like pain doesn’t fade, like I’m just seeing him for the first time and feeling thunderstruck and terrified all at the same time.
Oh yes, I can name that tune in three notes or less, and the first note brings a thrill to my body, the second joyous tears to my eyes; and the third a moment of blissful tribute before the whole of it comes rushing back like a Mack Truck toward a squirrel sunbathing on the Highway of Life.
God, but I can smell him and taste his sweet saltiness just like his skin is warm again against mine. He’d sing along with that song, somewhat tunelessly and under his breath, the percussion of his breathy syllables assaulting my eardrums as his hands kept time elsewhere.
It’s always the same… I can’t reach the iPod fast enough to stop it before it transports me, but I can’t bring myself to remove the song from my playlist (and therefore from my consciousness) either. I am blindsided every time: my own fear of never knowing that feeling again prevents me from erasing the materialization of it along with the suitcase of pain that it carries.
It’s over now: 3 years of torrential emotion relived in 3 minutes, and my body is slumped in the chair from the force of it. Beautiful and tragic, symmetric and discordant, wondrous and appalling, my senses are fully awakened and my insides are twisted into knots of frustration, shame, and remorse.
Some people never learn.
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4 comments:
:(
When I read this Clint Black's song
"Killin' Time" jumped right into my head.
This person must really suck at something to keep you away from the him. :(
((((Daughter))))
Yup, he sucks at everything but the beginning.
Too bad.
But it's not as tragic as the whole "Killin Time" concept... I was just trying to relate how funny the senses are, how such a simple thing can have an instantaneous and truly present physical response. Smells are like that, too. At least for me!
I figured as much :)
It was only the first few lines that jumped into my head
My nose doesn't work well (which in most cases, is a good thing :|) but I know what you mean. It's usually something visual for me that can have an instantaneous and truly present physical response. *sigh*
I know exactly what you mean.
' my own fear of never knowing that feeling again '
You will! :)
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