Should Have Known, Part II

I think most people walk through their lives without ever knowing perfection. I think we have, as humans, resigned ourselves to the fact that our also-human companions are never going to be perfect and neither are we. No matter how compatible two people may be, there is always going to be something that doesn’t quite fit. There is always going to be some wavelength that isn’t matched. There is always going to be disagreement, there will always be annoying quirks, there will always be differences in timing, viewpoints, sexual preferences, and social issues. No one is a perfect fit. We find someone that is close and consider ourselves lucky to have that high degree of compatibility.

I honestly believe that no two people are completely compatible. But I do think that there are compatibilities that matter and compatibilities that don’t. And if two people can line up the majority of the compatibilities that matter, the differences won’t be as obvious, nor will they be enough to tear the relationship apart.

Sexual compatibility matters. Really matters. And it seems like almost everyone I’ve talked to lately has compatibility issues when it comes to sexual relations. I met two married people over the weekend who stated that the sexual incompatibility was too much to bear in their relationships and their respective significant others had agreed to quit having sex entirely and offered the other partner their sexual freedom in exchange. Hanging out with married people who spent the entire weekend openly looking to get laid with strangers was disconcerting, to say the least. These are people who obviously found a great measure of compatibility in every realm of their relationships but one – and instead of ditching their relationships entirely, chose to try to deal with the one level where they could not relate in a way that was acceptable to both. Of course, these folks are the extreme end of the spectrum, but most people I have spoken with on the subject seem to be incompatible sexually with their partners to one degree or another. I think most folks have decided that this is the status quo – no one can be on the same sexual page with another person all the time because sexual expression is just so dang personal.

I don’t know how many times I’ve said it aloud… I don’t know how many times I’ve cried myself to sleep thinking the thought over and over… I don’t know how many times I’ve typed it in this blog or written it on scraps of paper or scrawled it somewhere random, but I wish I didn’t know. I wish I didn’t know what it’s like to be perfectly sexually compatible with another person, to be perfectly synced, to be perfectly fit, to be perfectly pleasured, to be perfectly intimate. I wish I didn’t know that the true meaning of cunt-magic is the forging of a bond that transcends the physical, a connection that blends the psyches into one and erases the separation of consciousness. I wish I didn’t know that it’s possible to lose hours upon hours of time in sacred space, without being aware of the moments passing or of the shadows descending. I wish I didn’t know that once forged, that bond is a gilded chain, a jewel-encrusted shackle worn with pride. I wish I didn’t know that it’s a joy I’ll never, ever know again.

Mostly, I wish I didn’t know that it’s just not possible with any other person on the planet. I wish I didn’t know so I could be just like everyone else and believe it’s not possible at all.