Open Letter to My Really Stupid Friend

I have believed in you, forgiven you, protected you and your family with every bit of cunning I possess, and have loved you throughout. I have offered you loyalty and unconditional regard. I have valued you as an entity outside of myself and have cherished you as the kindred spirit within. I have given freely of myself, without question or reserve. I have been accountable for my actions whenever they affected you and have endeavored to limit the impact of any unpleasantness associated with time we’ve spent together or apart. I’ve accepted responsibility for wrongdoing and have apologized for inadvertently inflicted pain. I’ve given my time, my effort, my love, and my power: without expectation of reciprocation and without reserve. I have called you “friend” and have treated you accordingly. I have asked for only one thing in return.

Over the course of our association, you have taught me with words and actions that you do not find me valuable enough to trust that I will love you for who you ARE. You have shown me that our relationship is transient and meaningless by denying me the pleasure of knowing you without your camouflage. Though we have often discussed the importance of trust – that faith being the very foundation of ANY relationship – you have consistently refused to allow me to act in a capacity other than “suspect.” Though my allegiance transcends any corporeal activity or temporary association, you have flatly refused to grant me the one thing – ONE THING – I have asked of you: the knowledge necessary to make informed decisions regarding my health, my heart, and the well-being of my psyche. In good faith – in TRUST - I stupidly allowed you to compromise the values I hold most dear, and now find myself heartbroken over my own gullibility and misplaced confidence. I am bereft; and though I thought I could recover and “step back” as I have done so many times before, I find that this time the abyss between what I desire and what I have cannot be bridged. I want more from you. I want more FOR you.

This is not a judgment; I am hardly in a position to make judgments of any kind and would not choose to do so if I were. What’s done is done. And, to give your generous heart the credit it deserves, I do think that you’ve done some of what you’ve done to be kind to me. I believe you think that you’re protecting me from the uglier side of you. But I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’m your friend no matter what – for God’s sake I’ve proven it over and over again - and you can’t be ugly enough, mean enough, nasty enough, drunk enough, faithless enough, deceitful enough, disgusting enough, or pissy enough to run me off. You invited me into your life and asked me to love you. Here I am. Here shall I be. I love you and that will never change.

I have protected you, sometimes at great personal cost (naturally I don’t expect you to understand what that means – only more to the point). I’m sick at heart because I contributed to your current situation, attempting with every resource I have to guarantee your safety along with my own, and have been rewarded with the LEAST that you can give. I watch you bend over backward for those who would rather see you lose everything for their own gain and wonder how much of the sacrifice you really understand? I refused to be selfish… refused to demand equilateral consideration… refused to put myself or you in a position where either would have to lie. And I look at what you have currently wrought and wonder why I put so much effort into it? I have taken your WHOLE LIFE into consideration and I have been repaid with lies, contempt, and condescension. And though I’m obviously fairly close to last on your list of priorities (and how can I be surprised? ‘Twas I who placed myself there), I deserve better. I AM better. Which brings me to the purpose of this letter:

Though the first page might belie it, I’m not writing this to further accuse you or attempt to elicit a guilt response from you. I don’t want to hurt your feelings and I don’t want to change your mind. I’ve laid all that out only because I want you to understand how your actions impact others – even when it might appear that those others are not impacted at all. My association with you has changed my life, and I am grateful (in more ways than I can ever relate and to a degree that I could never explain) for all you have given to me. But – how do I explain??? – spending time with you used to make me feel so necessary. Now even being in your proximity feels shameful, sad, and contrite. Make no mistake… I still want you in my life and probably always will – your adventurous spirit and fundamental courage are beautiful to me. But I KNOW you don’t need me. I KNOW that you currently continue our association only because you fear what I know and what I’ll do with it. I KNOW you would feel relieved if I –and all my expectations – disappeared. And I KNOW that living up to MY expectations is something that you have not been – and won’t be – willing to do. I refuse to compete for your attention and I can’t offer you the time, space, or material rewards that others provide so profusely. It was a beautiful thing when I believed myself valued by you… but my sick hope that you would learn to choose better for yourself and my tragic denial of the fact that you haven't ends here.

Now, it’s possible that I’m wrong and you really do love me and really do want to keep me in this capacity in your life. It’s possible that you are not blowing sunshine up my skirt and are really trying to fix what’s broken in all aspects of your situation. It’s possible that you feel about me the same way I feel about you. It’s possible that you’re just trying to make me happy and are too sweet to tell me that you really only wanted the challenge of what-might-have-been and now that there’s no option it’s boring as hell. It’s possible that you hate my guts and keep me around only because I may be able to do something for you in the future. At this point, after all these years, I’m really sad to say that I’ve allowed myself to be deceived so badly that I have no idea what’s going on in your head. Still, here’s the problem: I love you and can’t imagine a day in my life without you in it. But I can’t allow this to hurt me - or the others I love who also love you - anymore because it’s really starting to affect my life. So I have no choice but to ask you to help me find a new place in your life that doesn’t involve being heartbroken every time I know you’re lying to me. I’m hoping there’s a new day dawning and I’m hoping that it will bring a relationship where I don’t need to ask so many questions to keep my sanity and you don’t EVER feel like you have to have to lie. You can start this new, “no lying” phase of our relationship by telling me whether or not you and I really have a true friendship and, if we do, what we are going to do to keep it alive. I’m ready to go to the next level, whatever that may be. Are you?