The name of the game is subtlety, ladies and gentlemen. Have no doubt.
Subtlety is not my strongest talent. In fact, it's not a talent at all... it's more of a cultivated necessity. But the work I've done to nurture this trait that goes so very far against my nature has been worth every moment of practice.
For example: I heard some disappointing news today. So disappointing, in fact, that it broke my already battered heart on a number of levels and made me want to scream in frustration and outrage, and not just about the part that affects me directly. But did I? Oh no. I practiced the art of subtlety, despite my overwhelming desire to make things happen my way. Because throwing the tantrum that I was dangerously on the verge of would only make matters worse. I can wait for my way. That is the strength of subtlety.
Another example: What does one do with potentially harmful information gleaned surreptitiously? Here is the art of subtlety at it's best. A subtle snoop would keep that info in their "back pocket," awaiting verification, and then, awaiting just the right moment to use it to one's advantage - but NEVER directly. Confronting someone with this sort of information - especially before it's been verified! - is disastrous and can only result in a lose-lose situation. Once that hand has been played, it's over... and if one is wrong, well, it can be next to impossible to regain that advantage. Better to practice subtlety. I'm here to tell you: if knowledge is power, then my "back pocket" is a god. Confrontation is the nemesis of this sort of subtle power.
Yet another example: when one's feelings are hurt, what is the best tactic for resolution? Make a scene and cry about the injustice of it all? Project the whole dirty mess of one's feelings back on the emotional aggressor? Send the offender on a guilt trip so lengthy that they'll find themselves describing it to a therapist at some point in the future and at considerable cost? No, no, NO. This is the Crown Jewel of subtlety: Taking responsibility for one's own feelings. Practiced to perfection, this tactic will leave the opposition in such confusion that he or she will fall all over him/herself to rectify the situation because they have no idea that it was his/her fault. Emotional compliance is so easy to enforce when there is no blame involved. Don't believe me? Give it a try. I dare you to take full responsibility for your own emotions and NOT dramactically improve your relationships. Go on, I dare you!
Subtlety: it's the name of the game.
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3 comments:
Would love to know what's in your back pocket *wink*
Could you give me a example of 'Taking responsibility for one's own feelings'? I can't get a grip on exactly what you mean here. It sounds interesting, I'd like to know :)
My bulging back pocket contains secrets galore and thus, untold power.
:-)
Personal responsibility for one's emotions is one of the most difficult things to learn as a human being, partly because we believe that "every event has a cause." Our brains force us into this kind false inductive logic, because that is how we survive, regardless of whether or not this kind of thinking is logically sound. Therefore, when we hurt, it is natural for us to look for the "cause."
But, the fact of the matter is that no one can "make" me feel anything. If my feelings are hurt, it's MY problem, not someone else's. No one has any power over me - nor over my emotions - unless I give it to them. And my emotions do not control me - I control them. I feel what I feel - and am entitled to it, as we've discussed! - but I can not blame those feelings on anyone but myself.
Like I said, it's the Crown Jewel of subtlety, mostly because it is something so very difficult to master. And I don't think ANYONE is 100% successful. I know I'm not!
I'm rolling this post around. I'll be back when I wake up again.
:)
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