This week has left me wondering who I have to blow to get a freakin' break already? Apparently hard work, dedication to the cause, consistent sacrifice, and a willingness to work in one of the most toxic environments on Earth day in and day out isn't getting me anywhere. Apparently my ability - and willingness! - to do the jobs of four people on one person's paycheck and VERY limited time (with no overtime authorized!) isn't enough. And, as I've recently learned, apparently if I chose to be a mediocre employee rather than a stellar employee, my employer would be infinitely more willing to give me what I want instead of sucking me dry.
I spoke at length with my old Supervisor - who I trust implicitly - late last week. I told him how my Department had re-opened the Supervisor Exam under the same recruitment number as the exam I took and asked why the Department would need more that 40 applicants, especially since som many of us have already interviewed and 5 have already been promoted. I told him that I had almost completely lost faith in the system because 5 promotions had been made and none of them was a certain co-worker who has been doing the job of Acting Supervisor in one of our units for 13 months. I told him that I had interviewed for the new Youthful Offenders Unit project position and was feeling rather confident about my chances of being selected. I told him that I am floundering in my current position, and have had transfers in since early August, and wondered aloud why none of them have been honored.
With his "crinkle-face" (most serious face) on, he said, "There are so many things you don't understand. So many things you might not ever understand. But I'll tell you this, and not because I want to hurt you: You won't be promoted this year. You won't be selected for that YOU spot. And you won't be transferred. Don't take it personally."
Like the extrememly intelligent person I am, I said, "What?"
Patiently, he said, "Don't take it personally. It isn't about you. Keep hanging in there until next year or find another job. You are not going to get what you want any time soon. If you're wondering if you sold your soul, wonder no more: you did."
After I finished doing what I needed to do in that office, I chewed on that conversation all the way home and several times over the weekend.
Yesterday I found out that I wasn't, as predicted, selected for the YOU project. And I cried all the way home... not necessarily because I wasn't selected (yes, I wanted that job very badly and still believe that I am the most qualified for the job), but because if I still had the luxury of believing that I had just tanked the interview or just plain wasn't what they wanted for their vanguard project, it would have been very easy to NOT take it personally. But because my old Supervisor and good friend put the bug in my ear that it might be something else entirely, I now feel like the whole thing is just one, big, futile conspiracy. It would be easy to take the failure into myself and take some sort of action against the same mistakes "next time," but now I have to wonder if he's right? If every effort, every interview, every stupid thing I do matters not at all because I'm just the hulking, stupid pawn who takes the abuse and smiles like a dumbshit and is grateful for the paycheck. And it comes to this: if I were just like everybody else, if I just showed up and did just enough to get by, no one would try to prevent me from leaving this unit and no one would try to prevent me from coming into another.
Today I found out that I wasn't selected for the most recent round of promotions. The Deputy Chief informed me of this personally today. She also told me to "keep on plugging, there will be three or four more before March." I told her that I had already resigned myself to probably not being promoted this year because she had told me that I didn't do as well as I could have in the interview. And then I told her that I am drowning where I am and asked why, having had at least ten transfers in since August, I haven't been able to transfer? She said, "Don't lose faith."
Nice side-step, eh?
In general, it's been a tough week for me. I'm feeling something far beyond disillusionment, something beyond disenchantment. I'm feeling... caged.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
I feel like I'm missing a HUGE piece of this puzzle. And after reading this post, I ended up with the same word too: Conspiracy.
I understand staying in "your place" because of gratitude for a paycheck but it seems truly futile to stay where you are, doing what you do, as well as you've been doing it!
They are just keeping you there cause you'll keeping taking all the abuse with very little retort, aren't they?
As I read the beginning of this post I had a very funny comment in mind (funny to me anyway) but by the end I wanted to cry. I feel so sad for you, I honestly do.
To be held down because you're doing TOO good a job has to be about the worst thing you could hear. There is nothing you can do with that. :((
I don't know what stops you from showing up to work in a old robe, no make-up and your hair in rollers. Then just throw your legs up on your desk and listen to your Ipod all day. I might. *
Obviously politics are being played pretty hard. That's always sad and bad for those who don't "play that way". Short of leaving your job what are your options? This really SUCKS!!!!
(((((((Daughter)))))))
I feel like I'm missing it too, Jen. And really, it's out of my hands... so all I can do is keep pasting that stupid smile on my face every day and try not to let my clients down. Because it's them that I'm doing this for.
Seriously, RT, if I thought that finding the right person to blow would fix this, I'd actively seek out that person. And I have to tell you - I've showed up to work every day this week in jeans (strictly prohibited), no make up (not really weird for me), and a bad attitude. AGain, if I wasn't doing this for the kids, I'd call in sick every day until all my time was used up.
But that's just because I'm in a bad mood today and feeling really sorry for myself.
Tomorrow is another day!!!!!!!!!
THanks, you two. You made me smile.
Your a good woman, Daughter. Really.
To do your job, to the best of your abilities, in a shitty situation becausethere are people out there who need you, that's the ideal definition of a fantastic human being.
To do what they need, despite what's best for you... I'm 100% positive that no one you work with, and definitely no one you work FOR knows just how lucky they are to be on the giving end of your love, of your humanity.
Having said all that - even knowing all that - makes none of it any easier to swallow when your living it.
I'd hug you if I could.
:)
I don't understand these people you work for, at all. If I had an employee, who was such an asset to her position, that I couldn't afford to lose her to a promotion she deserves, I would damn sure be trying to make her happy in her current position. Like more money or change the things that are making her put in for transfers.
I can't see their plan here. We need her so bad we won't promote her but are willing to take the chance she will walk. Shitty plan if you ask me. These people need to pull their head out of their ass.
You're such a good person Amber. I truly hope you get all that you deserve.
p.s. Ha! What makes you think my funny comment had anything to do with your blow job comment? ;)
RT and Jen, y'all are too good to me, really.
That's the thing about working for a large bureaucracy (and I'm sure Jen can testify to this as well) - every employee is ultimately expendable. I could be the most fantastic superstar on the planet and there would still be someone waiting in the wings to take my place - and that someone would probably be less demanding, less "squeaky wheel," less of a catalyst for change, and thus less of a problem.
Not that I think I'm a problem, I'm not. But the County doesn't owe me anything (though I often feel otherwise) and I am still grateful to have a job that I adore.
I still feel fairly sour-grapey about the hwole thing, but there's no reason to give up... eventually SOMETHING will happen. it always does. If I can keep my wits about me long enough, I can probably ensure that whatever happens will be a positive thing (rather than losing my cool and blowing things up).
And if it doesn't, well I have other options. I don't necessarily want to go that route, but the options are there.
Thanks again, you two. I'm feeling better about it.
Post a Comment