20 years ago, I thought I had a pretty good handle on things. For example, choosing to get married again was a piece of cake because I had been there, done that, and knew so much better now. Oh, ha ha ha.
Now, 20 years later, I still don't know squat. The only difference is that I know I don't know squat.
So, I will continue to claim ignorance - especially since I seem to make the same silly mistakes over and over again - about all things but one: I know about being married. And I know, unequivocally, that I suck at it.
For example, it seems to me that being married requires a semblance of patience. Strike one.
I've noticed, too, that being married indicates a certain level of sexual understanding between the two parties. Strike two.
Perhaps most importantly, it has come to my attention that being married is easiest for those who actually like one another, or at least who like people in general. Yeah, Ump, I know. Thanks for the update.
You gotta give me credit for continuing to try, though. I really do try.
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You know I'm trying not to be a comment blog hog but I feel compelled to say something on almost everyone. If it gets /is annoying you might have to secretly move your blog in the middle of the night or just ask me to give someone else a turn or just say stop it damn it! I actually started a post on blog etiquette, I need some.
Oh your post, sorry I ramble. Let me just say I use to know squat too. Use to live pretty close in fact. and like you squat turned out to be more complicated then I thought. I haven't seen him in a while though...
I think the Beatles song "help" would fit nice here.
HELP! I NEED SOMEBODY HELP!
NOT JUST ANYBODY HELP!
YOU KNOW I NEED SOMEONE HELP!
WHEN I WAS YOUNGER SO MUCH YOUNGER THAN TODAY
I NEVER NEEDED ANYBODY´S HELP IN ANY WAY
AND NOW THESE DAYS ARE GONE I´M NOT SO SELF ASSURED
NOW I FIND I´VE CHANGED MY MIND I´VE OPENED UP THE DOORS
HELP ME IF YOU CAN I´M FEELING DOWN
AND I DO APPRECIATE YOU BEING ´ROUND
HELP ME GET MY FEET BACK ON THE GROUND
WON´T YOU PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME?
AND NOW MY LIFE HAS CHANGED IN OH SO MANY WAYS
MY INDEPENDENCE SEEMS TO VANISH IN THE HAZE
BUT EVERY NOW AND THEN I FEEL SO INSECURE
I KNOW THAT I JUST NEED YOU LIKE I´VE NEVER DONE BEFORE
Just like John I know less and less the older I get.
Strike one - is very, very true. (nothing communicates importance like the word very)
Strike two - is also true but I believe every married couple struggles with this as usually one person is unwilling to express their need therefor will hold out on the other feeling they are being cheated. I doubt any two people have the same exact kinks and desires so sex has to be more of a give and take than we once thought in our lustful years.
Strike three - nah that's a ball. Unfortunately when we get frustrated with one and two number three will be the pitch of choice. If you didn't like people you wouldn't be bitching about them. Communication is the key. If your man is the silent type write him a letter and ask for one back. Men don't alway like the face to face stuff. There must have been a reason in the beginning you liked him and he liked you, other than just plain love or lust, I'm sure it's still there, somewhere. My parents just had their 50th so you're only in the bottom of the 4th inning. Plenty of time left. So swing away, even the pitcher gets a hit every now and then.
This was so much longer but it wouldn't fit in the comment box :)
You can always email the long comments (that way you're not restricted by the box!!!)
That's for being the cheering section... but I gotta say:
No really. I suck at it. I'm not just feeling sorry for myself, here. It's amazing that I've made it this long and some days it's been pretty close. And some days I'm not sure it's even worth the effort.
But I'll keep trying!!!!! :-)
Go get em girl! :)
You know I was kidding about the comment box, right?
I have heard marriage is not easy. It's something I don't really want to do. I am 25 and the thought scares me - I mean I love my B/F but still do not know what I want.
Some of my friends are married, but I just feel so uncertain about it - feel it is a commitment made for life - or what should be made for life - this is what people forget and that is why some get married because they do not understand the concept of it.
It sounds like you try really hard and that is what marriage is about! Are you still happy? If you have come this far then it must be worth sticking to?
Lindsey, I wrote a loooooong comment in response to yours... and then it mysteriously disappeared as I tried to publish it. A sign? I'm going to assume so and just say this:
No matter what else you get from my self-indulgent little blog, I hope you know that I think marriage is awesome.
But you are right to take your time and be sure about what you want - because marriage isn't about LOVE at all. It's a business contract. Loving your partner just happens to help.
Marriage is a full-time job with intermittent pay and often unsubstantial benefits. And even if you want to moonlight (if you catch my drift), it's generally frowned upon... and sneaking out to augment your, ahem, "income" becomes a tough way to live your life.
But marriage also means that you don't have to go it alone... that you have someone to pick you up when you fall and to balance your strengths and weaknesses. It's someone to help share the burden and someone to double the joy.
There is no right or wrong and if you choose to never get married that's okay!! My life is happy because I choose happiness, and my marriage is part of my life but not the defining part. Your commitment to your own surety demonstrates a remarkable maturity in one so young - I applaud you!!
Amen sister!
I only just got your comment!
Thank you for that.
Obviously people have different ideas about marriage. Although I can see where you are coming from, I don't agree with it.
When you say "marriage is not about love" - well what is it for then? Sorry that confused me! I thought you married some one because you loved them?
My situation is different merely because relationships are different because you can walk out when you want - like you say marriage is a commitment!
Maybe I need to be married to realise WHY people stay married.
Don’t take offence to this – I am naïve and have a lot to learn – these are just my ideas and assumptions.
Lindsay, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts!! Don't apologize - ever!!! - for the way you feel. You are always welcome here. :-)
Yes, we decide to marry because we each love the other and want to ensure that person is integral to the rest of our life. I didn't mean to say that love isn't IMPORTANT in a marriage... of course we wouldn't even consider marriage if love wasn't a factor!! What I meant was that love, by itself, isn't enough to SUSTAIN a marriage. And marriage, by itself, isn't enough to guarantee love.
If love were all that was necessary for marriage, then anyone who was in a sustained loving relationship would have no qualms about marrying, yes? But we know that's not the case. And why not? Because we all also know that love - while amazing, strong, and even overwhelming at times - fades. It cools. It passes. And no matter how much you love someone, there is going to be at least one thing that drives you absolutely batshit about them. Your'e lucky if it's just one.
And I'll share another secret with you: I never know what love really was until I had children. I love my mom and I love my husband and I love my best friend, but all of those put together still don't come close to matching the huge, fiercely protective and in-your-face emotion I have for my children.
And I thank God that I've never loved a man like that.
You don't have to marry to have love. You can have that without the legal commitment of marriage. When you marry, it's more about choosing to face life - ALL of life - together. It's a business contract. It's a piece of paper that says, "You don't get to hightail it outta here when things get hard. This is a joint investment." And that kind of commitment isn't built on love - it's built on respect and sticktoitiveness.
Of course, that's just my humble opinion. But I've been married twice - once for a year and once for almost 20. And love notwithstanding, being married for 20 years is REALLY REALLY HARD.
My mother-in-law - who would have been married for fifty years if my father-in-law hadn't inconveniently died just before their anniversary - told me that the hardest thing she'd ever done was stay married to the same person for fifty years. This came froma woman who has six children (one of whom died from SIDS) and was a Navy wife her entire life from age 19 on.
So again, I'm not minimizing love. Love is awesome!! But it's not enough to base a decision to get married upon.
You've got time. Lots of it. ;-)
Ok thanks for that. You have helped. To be honest - I don't really know what love is anyway - there are so many different kinds. What your saying makes sense.
It is just scary because I fear so much about everything - marriage is one of them! How do you know who is right? etc etc.
I guess love does fade - my parents have somehow always made out that marriage = love and love only. I am not blinkered , maybe just a little sheltered in this area.
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