My male spousal unit found my DeviantArt site before I was able to introduce him to it as I planned. My daughter was perusing and was concentrating so hard that she didn't notice him looking over her shoulder.
The rest did not go well. And I'll admit that I went into the conversation with an expectation - which, by the way, was right - regarding what he would be feeling and would say... and I'll also admit that I may not have been as receptive to his pain as I might have been if this exact same conversation hadn't happened a million times before... and I'll also admit that I didn't react well to the things he did say, more so because of the way he said them then because of their actual content or meaning. He so often speaks to me as if I were an unruly and unkempt child suddently shipped to boarding school. He speaks to me in a lecturing tone that says, "You just don't know any better and you'll come around to the right way once I tell you what it is."
Fuck you, cowboy. And that cayuse you rode in on.
All that aside, it boils down to this: he feels that I should have discussed the prospect of posting prior to actually doing it. He feels that some - not all - of the images are of proprietary stock - things that belong to him. His feelings are hurt because I was "indifferent" to how he might feel. Which, of course, is patently untrue, because I knew exactly how he'd react and that's why I completed a gallery first. I knew when he saw the work, he'd be proud. Which he did admit to being.
And though I'm pissed to be having this same discussion - this discussion that we've had many, many times before regarding many, many different types of artistic endeavors (not the least of which brought over $80,000.00 per year of extra income into our home for several years), I am regretful that his feelings are hurt. Of course that wasn't my intention.
But this is hurtful to me, as well. After all this time, he still expects me to ask HIS permission to act with MY body. And though I understand - if not agree with - his possessiveness, the consistent act of forcing it on me is not only unfair, but sick in a dark and sinister way that smacks of misogyny.
Of course, that's not his fault either. It's the way he was raised.
And that, I realized, is the source of most of our marital troubles. Our upbringings are so very different - our lifeviews are so very different - that we are unable to understand each other on the most fundamental levels, and that foundational discord colors everything else we do. He may love me, and feel passion for me, and want me to be "his" (eeeeeeewwwww, there's that propriety thing again), but he doesn't understand me - or how I view my self, my spirit, or my life. Which, in and of itself, is okay. I don't really understand him either, which explains my current consternation and many other consternations of the past and present. But I want to. I want so badly for him to live in my world for even a brief moment, for him to understand how bright, and free, and sweet my life really is. And I want to live in his, however briefly I might be able to stand it, so I can learn to relate to the turmoils he must be feeling and learn how to ease his mind and his pain.
The sad part is this: all this time, he hasn't wanted to try.
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12 comments:
Ok, I only had to look up two words this time :) so I might be getting smarter.
This is one of those times I wished I hadn't promised not to lie and I wish you would have posted the piece on abortion after you read mine, like you said you would try to find time for. Had you done that I might be able to better negotiate the mine field I fear I'm about to walk through. :) *big smile here*
Since I don't know your upbringing or your husbands and I don't know what you agreed to going into your marriage I think I will play possum here and act as if a I never saw this post *backs out of the room for the second time today* Some may call this tactic chicken others (me) thinks it's a smart move *shuts the door fast* :-o
"This is one of those times I wished I hadn't promised not to lie"
Is that a double negative? There's no other way to say it is there? *scratches head*
There is no mine field here. I know that what *I* think is right is not necessarily going to be popular among the XY crowd. I'm not judging my husband - or you - or any other man who happens to believe that his wife's body somehow belongs more to him than to her, I'm just venting my frustration that he and I keep having this same conversation.
I'm sorry he's hurt. I'm sorry he believes that his little ownership fantasy is a REAl responsibility when it, in fact, is not. I'm sorry that 95% (that's a guess) of men with significant others would agree with him, because it is apparent that NONE of that percentage have thought about how truly oppressive that attitude is.
SO, there's no mine field. My husband is entitled to his feelings and I'm not going to tell him that ANYTHING he's feeling is "wrong." But I would like it very much if he would get past "I'm okay, it must be you" when he does a self-diagnostic. His pain in this and similar situations is of his own construction and has absolutely NOTHING to do with ME and EVERYTHING to do with HIM.
And, as I've mentioned, he agreed to my terms before we were married. Folly on his part, perhaps, but he did agree. Funny how that seems to be swept under the rug more and more often.
Damn, why can't I listen to my own advice sometimes. Here goes nothing...
If he agreed to certain terms then I agree with you that he should live up to his agreements. Maybe frame them and hang them on a wall.
As far as the 95% (I'll go with your guess) of men who also feel as he does, I have to think we're right. The marriage I entered into was pretty clear cut. My wife and I wanted certain things to be ours alone. Nobody made her marry me under those terms, she wanted too.
I never think I own my wife's body but rather feel privileged that she has vowed to only share it with me. Don't 99% (a guess) of women feel the same way?
I understand your frustration that rules were put in place and he keeps wanting to change them but at least it's for the right reason (love). Still frustrating I know. :(
Oh, that's such a sweet assumption, but so unfortunately untrue. He hasn't loved me for years. How could he love someone he thinks so lowly of? None of this is about love.
It's about a slippery slope that exists nowhere but in his head.
And yes, I'll agree that 99% of women want things to be a certain way when they marry. If you'll remember back to my post that references the book The Erotic Silence of the American Wife, you'll remember that 75% of those women change their minds about that within five years of marriage, whether or not they choose to actually act on it.
But that's beside the point.
Thanks for listening to me vent. :-)
"I understand your frustration that rules were put in place and he keeps wanting to change them but at least it's for the right reason (love)." - Raw Thoughts
I don't think that him wanting to change the rules is necessary out of love. Possesion and love aren't the same things. And to have an open agreement before marriage only to change it later on isn't "love" it's because one person is uncomfortable with the bed he's made, and is trying to unmake it to suit his own needs.
Having said all that, I have no idea if that's the case here as I don't know either of the parties involved. But the way that a man treats a woman's body as property isn't right, no matter what the excuse. If she can be comfortable with her body it's his responsibility to support the way she feels. Her breasts don't belong to him because they're married. The fact that his feelings were hurt SEEMS to be more because she didn't get his permission before hand. And she doesn't need it.
Again, just my narrow opinion based to three paragraphs written by someone I don't know.
*shrug*
I think you have every right to be upset at the choices he makes. Esp if he doesn't try to see your side of it. That's just good for making a person, you in this case, feel low because of her lifestyle. :(
No one needs to feel that way from their spouse. ESP from their spouse.
::::pointing at nose:::::
You got it, Jen.
Sometimes it helps to just be understood, ya know???
:-)
Yeah, it helps.
:)
I typed this once a few days ago and deleted it because I knew the post was just a rant but now I'm going to be stupid and say a few things.
First of all I didn't assume the thing about (love) you wrote it "He may love me, and feel passion for me, and want me to be "his""
Second of all, I agreed in this case that agreements were made and should be honored but I don't believe a man or women wanting their mate to keep certain things private always implies possessiveness in most cases it is a sign of commitment. And yes he made his bed and he should have to lay in it but should you really expect him to be supportive and understanding of something he's against?
I think it all comes down to the values and traditions that both people entered into the marriage with, which is what you did say in your blog about upbringings but what about his values and traditions? Is he suppose to lock them away on every issue because he made an agreement? Did you really think he would when you married him? Are you really surprised he hasn't been able to?
I'm not trying to irritate you with this and I realize this all comes from me seeing things from my own upbringing and values but I just couldn't resist throwing in my 2 cents. I hope I didn't step on one of those mines that aren't here :p
Just to keep it fun give me a hug before you give me my whacking ;) *nervously clicks the mouse*
That was stupid.
:-)
{{{{{David}}}}}
Just kidding about the "stupid" part. You really aren't scared to stick your neck out, are you??? :-)
Thank you for your comments… I just want you to know that I do appreciate your point of view and understand that you are speaking from a place of love inside you where things make sense.
I also want you to know that I am, too.
No, I’ve never asked nor expected anyone to change on my behalf. I’ve only asked that promises made be kept. Isn’t that what you’ve asked as well? And others in “typical” marriages? Why do I – who made my expectations clear PRIOR to the blessed matrimonial event - not have the right to expect this?
{{{hug}}}
oh you're going to love my next blog post. You hit the nail on the head.
No, I don't mind sticking my neck out with people I trust. I figure that's the only way I'll ever understand anything outside my sheltered little world. Discussion usually leads to growth :)
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