I've been doing fairly well with my Dr. Laura epiphany. Much better than I expected to do, as a matter of fact.
In general, it's paid off big in a lot of little ways. I'm less stressed at home because I'm letting things go and not nagging about help. MSU is more prone to doing things without being asked because I praise him copiously every time he does something that helps me. The kids are doing better because their dad is not as grouchy all the time.
But today is another story. The squaw that stroked the camel's sac, so to speak.
I've mentioned before that MSU joined a gang. Foor the past six months, the gang has increasingly encroached on our family time, family duties, and family finances. MSU is now spending an average of two nights per week with his "homies" and also joining them for breakfast every Sunday at a place that's local to the rest of the folks, but 60 miles away from our house. Now, a gaggle of "mandatory" rides have been scheduled, at least once per week and sometimes twice. These rides are all-day affairs. And then there are the "mandatory" all-club trips, usually four days at a time and approximately $500 a pop. I think I mentioned that the last relapse I had was indirectly linked to the gang as well, as MSU never would have bought that stupid (and in the shop AGAIN) bagger had it not been for his association with his club.
So, now if I want to spend time with my husband - thereby practicing my Dr. Laura epiphany - I have to spend time with the gang, too. And if I want to go on the rides on the weekends, I have to spend the entire week trying to get my weekend chores done, not to mention having to farm out the kids and arrange rides to work for the two older girls. And buy gas and food and booze. And spend my precious weekends with practical strangers - fun folks, yes - when I really just want to curl up in my PJs and putter around the house.
All I can say right now is that everyone in this house is lucky today, because - guess what? - MSU is not home. He's - guess where? - with the gang. And I sat in traffic for two fucking hours on the way home today because his stupid Harley is in the shop - guess why? - leaking oil all over the place and he HAS to be on a motorcycle to go play with his little gang friends and this morning he took mine. Without asking. And I've been going along with my Dr. Laura project, letting him "do his thing" so his "emotional needs can be met," while I'm doing EVERYfuckingTHING else and he's enjoying his second (or third? Fourth? I've lost fucking count) childhood and pretending - again! - that he's free to abdicate his responsibilities because he KNOWS I'll do it for him. All this because I'm sooooooo fucking SUPPORTIVE these days.
Have I mentioned that I'm the primary breadwinner in this house? Anyone noticed me blogging about any wonderful long weekend vacations taken away from my familial responsibilities with friends that MSU barely knows (Okay, the 3-Day counts, but that's beside the point) as "stress-relief??" Remember any posts about me having all kinds of "extra" cash in my budget for "mandatory" luxuries other than the fucking roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, or food in our bellies? Suddenly, MSU's idea of a romantic getaway is fucking Vegas Bike Fest. Yes, THAT is the trip I took this year, and not necessarily because I WANTED to... I HAD to in order to take a trip with my husband. And instead of enjoying our kid-free hotel room, I fell asleep ALONE every night we were there only to be rudely awakened in the wee hours of the morning by his drunken stumbling, muttering, and puking. Now THAT'S romance, folks. That's a trip worth remembering!!
(okay, yes, I had some fun. But that's also beside the point.)
And the man has the gall to complain that he hasn't "gotten any" this week. Hey, pal, head's up! YOU WEREN'T HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
::::sigh::::
And now that I've ranted, I can go back to the Dr. Laura Project with renewed zeal. At least THIS relapse is (so far, anyway) wholly contained within this sacred blogging space. Hey, I'm learning!!!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
13 comments:
You know, I think trying to be more Zen in life, trying to let things roll off your back, realizing that the small stuff is really just small, and there's no controlling other people - even when it's the best, most productive way... all of those are phenomenal realizations. All of them are great assets to work into your daily life, and learn to practice by habit.
BUT.
To be that "one" with your life and your surroundings, doesn't mean letting someone else walk on you.
Throw the majority of Dr. Laura away! Keep what's worked best for you, get some good books on becoming a whole person - spirtually, physically and emotionally - and let things at home go as best you can.
I guess what I'm saying, poorly, is that there are other ways to find the "big payoffs in small ways" that you're finding now, without suffering the fool to live.
You know?
Jen, everything you're saying is very, very true.
WHat I realized out of last night rant is that there are SOME things that are working in my new marriage philosophy and some things that AREN'T.
So, I don't think I need to ditch Dr. Laura entirely, but maybe just take it to the next level: keep the supportiveness, but try to explore some compromise.
Obviously, this is not something I could do whne I'm angry!! But I do think that giving him a budget ("Look, honey: this is our"disposable" income for the next three months. I'll leave it up to you about which trips you're going to take and which you're not.), and maybe saying something like, "It's not a problem for me if you're out tonight, but I'd reallly like to spend some time with you soon!" when he lets me know he's going out with the gang might help him think about it a little more and allow me to vent my frustration without actually starting yet another war.
The fact is - and you know this as a mom too - that him being gone doesn't really change my life all that much. The family is my priority, and I'm going to do what needs to be done for them regardless of any help I get or don't get. So my frsutration is really all philosophical, in that *I* think that he should feel the same way i do.
Obviously, he doesn't.
So the challenge here is REALLY managing MY feelings abotu the whoel thing while trying NOT to totally alienate MSU, because I want him to WANT to come home. And the part of this that HAS been working has made him a lot more fun to be around when he IS home.
Some things aren't going to change. But I do think we've made a lot of strides, so I'm not going to give up yet. I think I'll just implement Stage 2!!!
"So, I don't think I need to ditch Dr. Laura entirely, but maybe just take it to the next level: keep the supportiveness, but try to explore some compromise."
This is exactly what I'm saying when I say keep what you like and toss the rest of her shit.
You need to find a path that works best for you!
I agree that doing what's best for your family will (and always has to) come first, so booting his silly ass isn't really an option. I guess my frustration comes from watching someone as WORTHY as you being treated so poorly.
Ah well, that always the frustration, eh?!
My first post was rash, and I spoke out of turn. Sorry for forcing my cut-and-run/choke-and-kill thoughts on you.
I'm glad you feel like you can vent here! We'll always listen!
:)
You NEVER speak out of turn, Jen. I treasure your input and feedback!
So I'm bummed that you deleted your first comment because i really felt vindicated by it. :-)
I listen to Dr. Laura on the radio sometimes and I would bet a million dollars she wouldn't say what the MSU is doing is right. In fact I would tell you to call her but I'm afraid what she might tell you to do with the MSU.
I think the point of the book was if you give a man his basic needs, he will be willing to swim through shark infested waters to bring you a glass of lemon aid. I don't think she had what the MSU is doing in mind, at all.
It seems to one sided to me. I think your word COMPROMISE is the only solution. For some of the time you spend with the "the gang" he needs to spend some time doing something you want.
You deserve a life just as much (if not more) than he does. Maybe he needs to go to some family counseling and hear how ridiculous he's being from an outsider.
I think it's time the MSU looks inwardly for his answer to what's missing in his life instead of searching for it with "the gang" and such. The whole thing is making me mad. >:(
{{{{{Daughter}}}}}
Rt, thanks for your thoughts!
We've done the counseling thing. the counselor told me to leave - which, needless to say, was NOT what I was looking for from counseling! Of course, it's been awhile since we've done that, so maybe we should try again.
I agree that my nemesis Dr. Laura probably didn't have my particular situation in mind when she wrote her book! So, as Jen and i were previously discussing, I think it's time to take this project to the next level - hopefully a level where there is some sort of a reciprocal relationship, or at least an acknowledgement of the inenquity!! As mentioned, my life wouldn't change very much if I were on my own - but since WE are here, I honestly believe there should be an actual WE.
Of course, both you and Jen know that I am just venting and that marriage is a challenge even on good days! Still, something's gotta give, or we'll be back to where we were just 6 months ago.
"As mentioned, my life wouldn't change very much if I were on my own - but since WE are here, I honestly believe there should be an actual WE."
I can't say enough for this sentence. Very VERY true.
*clap clap*
I sometimes find myself trudging through the rough times because MY life wouldn't change very much if I was on my own (from the lack of input I get from the man sometimes!) but my son's life would be turned upside down...
Ahhh, the joys of parenthood!
I think you feel that too (sometimes.)
:)
I'm with RT though all the way... the whole situation makes me ANGRY.
(I'm wearing my angry face right now just for you!)
No more angry faces!! :-)
The last thing either of you need is to worry about MY crap when you have families (and therefore crap) of your own to worry about!! :-)
But I am so blessed to have you to lean on and to rant to and to understand me. :-)
It's nice to be able to make angry faces about other peoples stuff for a change!!!
I LIVE for this break.
Ha.
*wink*
I'm interested that the counselor told you to leave. What did the MSU say about this? If an outsider I trusted told my wife to leave me I would give some serious consideration to changing my was.
I'm having a hard time understanding this. :(
LOL, RT... I know. I guess we can't expect our personal dramas to make sense to anyone else.
The only thing that our counseling experience changed was both my and MSU's willingness to attend counseling. :-) I wanted help staying, not help leaving!!
We shall see how Phase Two pans out. :-)
Post a Comment